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Relinquish all you thought you knew about cats at this point, and prepare to have your mind blown.

“Meow, miew miew meow; mew miaow, mrrow.”

~ a Catten on Cattens

“What the bloody hell is going on here, now? Cattens? That's crazy! Egyptians built the pyramids!”

~ Smiley Johannsson on Cattens

“Uh, no; we just watched. Mexicans, remember? Quite efficient little slaves, them!”

~ Egyptians on Cattens
Egyptians practiced their walking whilst the pyramids were being built by the Cattens.

The term "catten" is now used[citation needed] as a slang term for the interim between a cat's kitten and cat stages; lost in history, however, is the true meaning of the term. The word is thought to have been made from the convergence of "cat" and "kitten", to form "catten".


It was of a glorious occasion that the cats of old Egypt had banded together to form their proudest achievement, the Pyramids. The Egyptians looked in awe of the great splendor erradiated by the towering monuments. The Cats had built these pyramids using only their innate cat instincts, and plenty of hired out workers. They were an attestment to the great victories achieved by the Cattens in their recent years, and they marked the building of the thriving city of Cattenia, the Catten metropolis. However, dark times would follow their most sacred of historic footprints.

Ancient Catten History[edit]

The First Cattens[edit]

The modern cat has no idea what is going on right now; a signature of the contemporfelsio, or modern cat.

The first Cattens were not Cattens at all; at least, not in the sense they are viewed today. They were a tribe of sorts of Egyptians that had taken to raising smarter-than-normal cats. These Egyptians called themselves the Avorfelsio, or the caretakers of the cat. The cats produced through their rigorous standards were known as the first Cattens in history. These Cattens held arresting abilities of power; they controlled the underlying plane of existence; Magic. They were magical beings that, at first, were used to supplement the faults in the Avorfelsio, but they soon took under a crusade of their own, the first Infirafels Cruxor. There had been minor inconveniencies before, but never had the Cattens taken over an entire Avorfelsio camp.

Infirafels Cruxor C: The First Crusade of Angry Cattens[edit]

The night was just beginning to fall upon the arid desert, seemingly awakening the land to a harsh future it was about to receive. One Catten stood tall upon a giant hill of sand, the last rays of light striking his face to subtlety; it was time. "Suductus!" The land was alight with the shining hand-made armour of the many Cattens ready to die for liberation. The front moved forward.

At some point in the history of the Cattens, the first crusade, Infirafels Cruxor Calico, was wrought by the furry paw of Sir Duxor Felinus; an army lead to fight an almost unbeatable foe, that of the Avorfelsio, the very same caretakers that had brought them into being. It was a battle ignited from unknown reasons, perhaps because of the ferocity which was bred into the Cattens, perhaps not. It was a brief battle, ending with the triumphant cries of the newly liberated Cattens. The walls wer-...

Catten Mythology[edit]

The Catten as a mythological animal dates back to 1720 and has its roots in Nordic legend. The Célan Gaupaillaer is the traditional story that used to be told to children who didn't like eating sardines. The story always begins with exactly these words: "You may not like your sardines...but there was once a family of polar bears, a Daddy bear, a Mummy bear and a Daughter bear who lived together on the very tip of an ice floe, and they lived chiefly on sardines. One day, the daughter bear said, "Is there anything else to eat but sardines?" Daddy bear said angrily,"Daughter bear, daughter bear. We are polar bears - and this is what we eat. You should be grateful for what the Sardine God has given us." Daughter bear stood up and said, "Look, I'm getting sick of this. Every day we eat sardines. Sardines for breakfast! Sardines for lunch! Sardines for tea! I'm sick of sodding sardines. This, like, totally sucks. I hate you. I'm gonna find some real food. There must be a McDonalds around here somewhere." Daughter bear left the meal table with her sardines untouched, and walked off in a huff, leaving her parents behind her. She walked and walked for miles on end, but all she could see was the cold white ice cliffs stretching out in front of her, and the hungry sea below. When she was starting to get very hungry, her empty belly let out a loud rumble, and a huge crack developed beneath her feet, and the chunk of ice that the daughter bear was walking on split from the ice floe. Daughter bear fell into the freezing cold tossing sea, and as she had not yet learned how to swim, she began to drown. As she floated beneath the surface, many tiny sardines swam up to her and to her surprise, they started talking to her very excitedly. "All our lives you bears have eaten us, and now it will be our turn to feed on your carcass. That's Karmic payback! You are on the menu." As the watery blackness started to envelop daughter bear, and she felt her blood turning to ice inside her veins, she remembered the Sardine God that her Daddy bear had told her about. "Oh Sardine God! I'm sorry I didn't eat your lovely sardines, but I really don't want to die. Save me!" Instantly, the Sardine God appeared and told her that he would sadly be unable to save her, as works of salvation are done by Gods that are less fictional than he. However, he mentioned that he might be able to pull off an act of reincarnation. He would bring her back as a cat, provided she ate lots of lovely sardines all through her life. However, the Sardine God was not terribly good at reincarnation, and the daughter bear came back into the world as a strange hybrid of human and cat...and as well as living an eternal life of eating sardines, she becomes very angry when other people don't eat their sardines. The Catten lies in wait under the dinner table, just as a cat does, and if there is any small child that doesn't eat their sardines, the Catten will start to eat them, starting at their toes, and nibbling the flesh of the shins, chewing on the flesh of the thighs and gorging herself on the entrails of the gut, gnawing on the bones until the only thing left is the brain and the eyes, sitting on the blood covered chair. Now, eat your fucking sardines you little shit, or I'll set the Catten on you."

Modern Catten History[edit]

The Catten Interim[edit]

What, Mr.Whiskers? You want to join a gang? Make sure you choose a nice clean gang, or they'll chainsaw your arse!

...Not that any of the Catten history is unimportant or anything, but they don't exist anymore, so it's time to talk about contemporary Cattens.

The catten stage is simply the equivalent of a teenage cat. Since cats grow up when ever you're not looking; one minute a kitten, the other, dead; the catten stage is hard to pinpoint. Most scientists believe it is the point that the cat/kitten/catten begins to understand its surroundings and listen to death metal music. If you ever notice your cat sitting around and watching TV, that probably counts, too. Once you identify the Catten, you must either wait until it grows up (takes about 3~5 seconds) or kill it by way of Good Old Rusty Concealed Chainsaw.

The Cattens know. O RLY? YA, RLY, BTCH.