Cecil Christ III

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
No Wikipedia.png
Those obsessed with so-called experts should thank their lucky stars that Wikipedia does not have an article about Cecil Christ III.

Growing up in The Void[edit]

Cecil Christ III was born to Cecil Christ II and his beloved hunting rifle Maisie on September 5th 1942 minus 5 and a bit. It is said he was a distant descendant of Jesus. Cecil had a difficult childhood. His mother died of terminal rusting when he was 5 and in anger went on a murderous rampage with her corpse killing 52 people, a goat and a whole cartload of sentient matresses. As punishment for this brutal crime he was sentenced by Robocop to spend a few years in the void to think about what he had done. The void as it turned out was a very frightening place. In its darkened corridors and fluorescent elevators lurked many powerful beings like Celine Dion and Eddie Van Halen, doing time for crimes of their own. After 5 years the Galactic Senate decided his sentence was over and set him loose on an unsuspecting world.


Journey[edit]

Cecil emerged from The Void a bitter and violent man angry at himself and the world that had been so unkind to him. He left Earth in a space shuttle made out of skinned Super Moles and travelled many light years until he reached a town on the edge of the universe called Ultra-Hamburg which claimed to be the summer residence of Otto von Bismarck. Angry at the creator of the universe, Cecil attempted to assassinate him using a crafty scheme involving toothpaste and a walrus he had purchased at the local supermarket. Unfortunately Bismarck was too wise and powerful to be brought down by such treachery and with a flick of his wrist activated powerful magic that sent Cecil to a desolate part of the galaxy some call Rwanda while others remind them that Rwanda was in fact wiped out in the third Crimean War in 1948 and that the place he was in was actually called Kruxogo334432153dashdashcolondash. The place was indeed desolate populated only by several undiscovered species of homeless people and a couple of KISS members scattered here and there.


Political Aspirations[edit]

Using the vampirical abilities he had inherited from his part vampire/part Pokemon grandfather Boris Christ, he gained sustenance sapping the life out of homeless people. While out foraging for derelicts one blustery day in March he found a pair of magic shoes that enabled him to play basketball really well. More importantly they were equipped with rocket boosters and so after shooting a few hoops with Gene Simmons he blasted himself clear of the evil planets atmosphere and headed towards Earth which happened to be only a few miles away. Once back there he returned to his home country Samoa and formed The Racialist Deer Movemnt or TRDM for short, a radical right wing party determined to gain power for universal domination. Famous members of this movement include Oprah and Ronald Reagan. The top members of the party planned a glorious revolution to take place on the 5th of May 1967. Unfortunately the President of Samoa sent several thousand men to take care of the rioters and they were all killed. Oprah, Reagan and Cecil were exiled from the country.


Aimless Years[edit]

Cecil during the shroom years

Once exiled, Cecil lost all hope and went to Slovenia so that he could indulge in copious amounts of shrooms the country produced. Spending several years in a hallucinigenic haze he finally realized his prime years had slipped away from him. In honour of his late mother he formed the Slovenian chapter of the NRA and began shooting people on a daily basis. However after several years of shooting people as an alternative to shrooms, he became bored at this pastime and decided to mobilise all the NRA chapters of the world in a war against Otto von Bismarck as a payback for the mistake of creating the world.


Death[edit]

A picture of Frau Clinton

Unfortunately before the vast chapters of the NRA took on the Lord of Creation in a battle that could potentially been one of the greatest and most epic ever fought, Cecil decided to have a celebratory poker game with various world premiers such as US President James Woods and Militant Feminist Chancellor of Germany Hilary Clinton. However in the middle of the game Cecil got into a row with Zimbaweian premier John Lennon over who was the best 1970s stadium-rock band; Boston or Journey? The argument was finished with an incredibly disgruntled Cecil declaring war on Zimbabwe. He told the various NRA chapters to meet him for a warm-up battle at the Field of Gargantuan Bestiality in Zimbabwe, however somehow all the NRA chapters misheard him and turned up on the outskirts of Detroit clad in full battle armour and wielding unusual plumed trout that fired hardened corn kernels at potential foes. Meanwhile Cecil marched into battle wielding his trusty hunting rifle only to find himself all alone and greatly outnumbered. All that was left of him was a cherry flavoured skin-flake which caused hurricanes of gun-crazy rednecks over New Zealand.