Cedric Diggory

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Edward Cullen?
Cedric's dead, baby!

Cedric Dickery, better known by his stage name, Cedric Diggory (b. 1865, died in the stock market crash of 1932 and 1945), attended Voldemort's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry during the late twentieth century. He is renowned for his contributions to the world of neuroscience, having discovered that cell phones cause sudden adult onset stupidity after beating himself over the head with one repeatedly and forgetting Mandarin Chinese. After having escaped from Alcatraz, the worst and grimiest of all the Wizard prisons run by J.K. Rowling, he briefly participated in the running of the bulls, where soon after, the Wicked Witch of the West and her right-hand man, Lefty, performed the Avada Kedavra curse on him and promptly turned him into a zombie as he refused to rip his shirt off.

He spends most of his free time trudging about England offering Zombie! Hugs to all the little zombie children of the nation. At Christmas time, he gives kids everywhere ever copies of his favorite book of all time, Lord Voldemort and the Wankiest Wizard of All Time, in which the demigod, Lord Voldemort, vanguishes the mortal, the wanky Harry Potter, once and for all.

According to fans of the Harry Potter series, his favorite color is Pallid Grey, his favorite food is Brain-Filled Hot Pockets, and his favorite movie of all time is Professor Snape On A Plane.

Early Life[edit]

Cedric Diggory was born Cedric the Entertainer at the same exact moment Abraham Lincoln shot John Wilkes Boothy in the complex conjugate universe. Throughout his childhood, his fathers toiled endlessly to ensure he wouldn't grow up to become a zombie. Ironically, he did become one, but not right away, so they kind of did a good job. Cedric is EXTREMLY afraid of vampries. He became potty trained at the age of 5 and toilet trained at 12. Events of Cedric wetting his bed during night have occured, afterwards claiming that a "sparkly vampire named Edward Cullen" stalked him and watched him sleep.

Theories[edit]

There are actually discrepancies over whether or not Cedric is dead. Of course, he is dead, but there are in fact people who believe Cedric is not dead.

Cedric Is Dead[edit]

This, of course, is true. Cedric is no more. (Well, he's a zombie.) He's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. Cedric is an ex-wizard. Which just plainly sucks, doesn't it?

Cedric Is Not Dead[edit]

Many reason that since Cedric isn't aware of his death, then he cannot be dead. But they don't understand what a zombie is now, do they? People these days...

Cedric Relived[edit]

Cedric Diggory died and became Edward Cullen... and died yet again when Voldemort poured holy water on the vampie guy. Oops, did that hurt? No? What else have I got here... glitter?

Cedric lives on[edit]

Cedric lives on through the power of Edward Cullen fan's, taking a bit of their soul from each one

Cedric's Possessions[edit]

Cedric's possessions can be found on display at the Metropolitian Museum of Art. They are listed below:

  • His collection of over 1000 zombie movies.
  • His collection of his favorite books ever, the Lord Voldemort books.
  • His LPs of Sgt. Pete's Lonely Heart's Club Band.
  • His Sony diePod.
  • A copy of his very own biopic, Harry Potter and the Goblet of CEDRIC'S DEAD on DVD.
  • The underwear he wore during the entire filming of Harry Potter and the Goblet of CEDRIC'S DEAD.
  • The underwear he wore during the entire filming of Harry Potter and the Chamber of CEDRIC'S NOT DEAD YET AND HE HAS APPEARED FOR THE FIRST TIME.


Harry Potter
Characters Hairy Potter · Ron Weasley · Albus Dumbledore · Severus Snape · Sirius Black · Luna Lovegood · Dobby · Lord Voldemort
Books List of Harry Potter Books · J.K. Rowling · First Draft · Catholic Church Version · Worst 100 Harry Potter Spin-off Novel Series of All Time
Places Hogwarts
Misc. Spells · Ripoffs · Snape kills Dumbledore · Dumbledore's closet · Potter's Sexuality · Inevitable Musical (Sequel)