Chaddesden

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Chaddesden, commonly known as Chad by the local community, is a large area of tiny 'houses' squashed together to make everyone feel like one big happy family where interbreeding is traditional. It is famous for having an unknown crime rate as the figure can not be counted, written down, calculated as it increases faster in one minute than the Zimbabwean inflation rate does in a week and is the only area in Europe where being sensible is punished by pulling up their tracky bottoms which are forever 10 inches below their waist line.

Chaddesden: Home to Chavs and Old people[edit]

Cedesene village[edit]

The old village of Cedesene is situated 2.012345 miles east of the city. In 1086 is a manor in the possession of Henry the Ferret and was worth the impressive sum of three pounds?. This is strange as most of the inhabitants of Chad have ever heard of it and will have no clue where to look for this mythical place.

The focal point of the village is probably the ancient church of St. Mary's. It is important as a dated example of church architecture before the advent of the perpendicular style. It was rebuilt by Henry Chaddesden, Archdeacon of Leicester, around 1357. The tall and spacious chancel running from its nave and aisle, dates from this period. Its west tower is perpendicular in style with its big west door and window. Restoration work on the chancel was carried out in 1857 by G. Place.

The church contains a rood screen and an unusual chalice shaped font, believed to be over 600 years old. There are monuments to the Wilmot family who were local landlords. In the church yard is a small mound, where 6 almshouses used to stand. They had been founded by Robert Wilmot. The family lived at Chaddesden Hall, which was demolished in the 1920s when the Wilmot family sold its estate. The grounds are a well used park, which contains a children's play area as well as facilities for sports like cricket and golf.

Redevelopment[edit]

Chad acquired much of the land when it came up for sale in the 1930s by the Wilmot family who in foresight saw the invading chav families invading and the now current recession looming ever closer, and started to build 'houses' on it. The shopping area on Nottingham Road was developed around the same time as was Chaddesden Park Hotel, which is suspected by the Derbyshire Constabulary to be a nightime brothel. Ever since the sale, its all been down hill.

Notable Residents[edit]

  • Colonel Sir Henry Wilmot: received the V.C. for bravery (bravery, for taking on the CLF (Chavy Little Fuckers) who just wouldn't 'Get the fuck off my lawn you shit heads'). He was born and is buried here and shall be dearly missed for hard headed bravery against those 'Lil shits!'.
  • CLF (Chavy Little Fuckers): The chief gang in chad. This groups contains the rejects from the local schools who formed a fraternity of idiots whose favourite pastimes include standing around the local shops, intimidating the Oakwoodians and trying to prove how really hard they are, but get beaten up by Oakwood's two most honoured protectors (shall not be named for security reasons) another way of 'being hard' is also being given an ASBO. There are subgangs such as CLFY (Chavy Little Fucker Yobs), and CLFJ (Chavy Little Fucker Jackasses) both subgangs aspire to become normal CLF (Chavy Little Fuckers) by demonstrating their stupidity by rank. Their enemies include The Pigs, tracky bottoms that actually fit them and of corse the ANC (Alvaston Night Cunts). Some members who consider themselves to be CLF (Chavy Little Fuckers) are ashamed they do not even live in Chad but in their neighbouring area, Oakwood.
  • Elderly: Old people seems to be the majority of residents here as the recession has hit hard on their pensions so they have to resort to living in a lower class area but having to spend the rest of their lives clearing their front gardens (if privileged enough to have a garden at all) of the local youth's empty cheap cider bottles 'cleverly' disguised sometimes in a lemonade bottle.

Places of interest[edit]

  • Beaufort Street: Probably the bleakest and most dull part of Chaddesden, hosts absolutely no amenities at all. Due to budget cuts, Derby Shitty Council are currently considering if it is necessary to keep this road in the local community, or if it should be shut down and turned in to a big rehab centre.
  • Sussex Circus (aka "The circus" or "the big raand thing near co op"): Basically the bit of Chaddesden that was deemed so shit that it should be tarted up a bit to make it appear nicer. This was achieved with a big patch of grass, some trees, a new commemorative kerb stone near the chippy and a smattering of benches to sit on if you really want to hang around for a bit.
  • Chets stores: Any person who has gone within 30ft of this vicinity automatically receives a telegram from the queen and an award from her for "extreme bravery". Any person who is from Oakwood or Breadsall who has stepped foot in the store also gets a visit by the queen for a lovely cup of tea and some Happy Shopper digestives.
  • Chaddesden Racecourse (aka The Rec): Hardly a racecourse, more of a big patch of grass, with the Chad estate at one end, and Derby Shitty centre at the other. Put it this way, whichever way your eyes look, you will be morbidly depressed and will subsequently end up dazed and upside down in a bin. Either that or Pregnant.
  • Hilltop: What stupid cunt decided to build the shop at the TOP of the hill to make people walk up it just to come back down again?! Those people up the top of the hill already have the Co Op in the circus, greedy fuckers...
  • Lees Brook Community Sports College: was a potential location for the shooting of The Shawshank Redemption in the event of Frank Darabont being unable to find another prison which was gay enough. The school is also in partnership with the local brothel, as 20000% of students are at a significant risk of suicide, herpes and Stockholm syndrome because of shit dinners and corporal punishments by the gang who prey on 12 year-old students from the school. As a result of the extreme amount of pregnancies amongst students, the school now has its own delivery ward which was opened by Chuck Norris. A redevelopment was due in 2008 but was rescheduled for 4078 due to the lack of donations from the staff. As a result, resources for education are cut short, reducing the students' IQ's to lower than Zimbabwe's economy. There are several distinct themes among students, including Chav-istianity, Emo-gelicanism and Paganism.

Local Shops and Takeaways[edit]

Wood Road/Nottingham Road (a Roman road for some reason?). Here are many focal points and small shopping centres, such as the below mentioned takeaway places. The largest being on Nottingham Road Chad has many amenities including a Tesco Express (you grab what you want and expressly head to towards the exit), Aldi (cheap food and household items for people on benefits), Pizza Hut (just dont go here) and the famous 3 Chefs (here a its a case of 'What doesn't kill me, make me fat', the latter being true with the Doner Kebabs).