Channel 9

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The Channel 9 logo, the nine dots represents the nine individuals on the channel; Ray Martin, Don Burke (although sacked his dot still remains), Bert Newton, Eddie McGuire, Daryl Somers, Kerry-Anne Kennerley, Livinia Nixon, Jessica Rowe, Tracy Grimshaw and Molly Meldrum."
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Kerry Packer?

Nine Network Australia (also known as EddieVision or the Eddie McGuire Television Service) is the result of a drinking bet while drinking Boggs between the Liberal Party of Australia and Kerry Packer. The Libs thought Kerry couldn't run a TV network with a budget of $10.50, and Kerry thought he could. Brawling ensured, but in the High Court Case, Superman v. The Dark side (High Court XVIII iiiv xxxxi 34259348392 XXXX!!I) proved that Kerry gets the network and the government gets to grovel to him every three years to show a pissy "Prime Ministerial" debate that all Australians must ignore and watch Australian Idol. As a result, Kerry pays no licensing fees whereas Channel 7 pays $495 bil to make up the difference.

History[edit]

Channel Nine circa 2008

After Kerry got to broadcast for free in 1948, it was several years until he bothered invent TV in Australia in order to do this. By the time he could be stuffed, Channel Seven had been conned out of hundreds of billions of dollars a year to broadcast for three hours a day and appeared to be some sort of competition. Nine then hired all the staff at Seven, only to fire then the next week and claiming they all committed 'gross misconduct' so they couldn't get a job in TV again.

Nine then proceeded to hire Monkeys. When he realised people were sick of Monkeys on the screen, he hired Weasels, who were very unpopular. So he hired Ferrets, and to this day, the screen is littered with Ferrets (and Muppets if you count Ray Martin).

In 1785, Kerry was rudely woken at 11pm one morning by a door-to-door salesman named Alan Bond. Alan Bond was selling second-hand Electrolux's and incomplete sets of Encyclopaedias. When Bond found out who Kerry was, he said wanted to buy Nine. Kerry wanted $30b for it, eventually they settled on $41b. Then Bond sunk the $81b profit from Nine in Electrolux, he went broke, and Kerry agreed to buy back Nine for $10.20.

Since then, Kerry routinely fires the entire board and hires all the Ferrets to take over. The most recent time this occurred was in 2094 when Eddie McGuire took over as CES (Chief Executive Slave) after Kerry died of the mysterious "Kerry Packer Syndrome", of which he was named after. The Australian Taxation Office have still yet to prove that he's died, much to the amusement of James Packer.


The proposed channel nine logo by Eddie McGuire. Sadly Eddie did not get his way.

In 20063 the Today show got a new host and the studio was also filled with laughing gas to compete with Sevens effort of dancing cows and finance reports.

In April 2185, Nine brought NBN for $250 Million Dollars. But NBN would only be bought by Nine if Eddie Everywhere stepped down as CEO. A year later, Nine introduced the GO! Import channel, but it became known as "the Cartoon Network for people who can't afford pay TV" because most of the timeslot taken shows nothing but cartoons from CN. It is believed that Eddie is to blame for dealing with TimeWarner.

Structure of Nine[edit]

Nine is a mix of Monkeys, Ferrets and Weasels. This is because they work for less than peanuts and don't unionise. Between 1969-1978 the Monkeys successfully unionised, but then Nine bought it out and renamed it Burke's Backyard.

The Weasels sit on the Bored of Derektors and their hobbies include cutting budgets and throwing tools at Jamie Durie. Eddie McGuire is a successful Weasel.

The Monkeys write scripts and operate the camera. They are imported from Brazil and undergo a stringent 10-week training course to become staff. This training course can be seen in action in Survivor: Outback.

The Ferrets are often seen on screen, although all too frequently they are mistaken for Weasels. Eddie was frequently mistaken for one until everyone realised he was one.

People who really should never have been on TV ..... EVER!!![edit]

Bert Newton[edit]

Bert with his laser hair. Yeah Yeah.

Bert Newton, at 1003 years old started out as a mop with a volleyball stuck on the top. Soon they drew on a smiley face, and The Graham Kennedy Show was born in 1293. Bert's latest escapade was to beg to go back on Nine, now he stars in Family Feud, a game where hungry families are stuck on an island with no food or water or chopsticks, ensuring survivor-like results. For this show, Bert had a special throne that rose from the ground at the command of his hairpiece.

Livinia Nixon[edit]

Livinia Nixon is a ferret. She learnt to read her autocue by reading the Herald Sun everyday, subsequently why she can’t handle words longer than six letters. She stars in every Nine show they can fit her in, including the Weather, Temptation of the Weather, Hey Hey It's The Weather, Getaway the Melbourne Weather, Who Wants to be a Weathernnaire and Honey I Lost the Temptation Weather.

I saw a YouTube video of her jumping into a swimming pool with her clothes on the other day. It did not disappoint. If you want to see the video, look for it yourself. I don't feel like giving you a link.

Eddie McGuire[edit]

The former head ferret at Nine. Also commonly mistaken for a weasel, but more often than Livinia. Eddie's job includes cutting down every show except Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and to pour all that money into generating a hologram of himself so he can not only run Collingwood Football Club, Channel Nine, and Millionaire, but The Board of HowDoesItWork.com, the Very Lovely Sock Company, and BP at once. Not to mention, Eddie is the devil, but only on weekends and on full moons.

Ray Martin[edit]

"Ray Martin"

The only Muppet at Nine. Frequently operated by Kerry himself. His hair was allegedly imported from Sweden by mistake, in the form of a hovercraft. If asked about the TV Journalist who is a Muppet has a fibreglass hovercraft on his head, Australians will respond it hasn't ever come up.

Jessica Rowe[edit]

Jess is the first skeleton to host a telvsion show. She was the host of the Today Show and used to inform viewers of what day it was, and who her best friends were. She got pregnant and used it as an excuse for being sacked. Former Best friends include Bert Newton, Prime Minister Howard, Georgie Gardener, Georgie Parker, Tony Abbott and Scooby-Doo. Also mentioned at odd occasions is her other former friend Karl Stefanovic. Jessica has now lefted the Nine Network due to laughing too much and her husband Peter Overton pushing her down the stairs and breaking her arm. She now works with Channel Ten

Kerry-Anne Kennerley[edit]

Kerry-Ann AKA KAK, in her recent publicity image surrounded by her minders Karl and Lisa

Kerry-Anne Kennerley, at 9586 years old is the oldes member of staff at Channel 9. She began as a weather girl, beofre becoming companion to Doctor Who in 1869. SHe he was forced to regenerate due to ill health, she returned to Australia and bgan as host of Morning's with Kerry Ann in 1908, almost 50 years beofre television actually bagan. Her favourite motto is 'Im Not Working til I Get Paid!!!"

Programmes[edit]

In 1987, Nine launched the National Nine News, a daily news program which was initially hosted by Journalist Ita Buttrose. Other presenters over the years have included Brian Bury in Brisbane, Don Lane in Sydney, Bert Newton in Melbourne, Georgina Allen-Thomas-Hangcock-peacock-McGunniss in Adelaide, and the Dixie Chicks in Perth. In 2005, Ray Martin took over and hosted all 6 news report nightly live because he is a time lord capable of Time shifting. In 2009, Peter Overton (superstar journo) took over and forced Ray Martin to do the shows on the weekend. because channel 9 was desperate to get 'a decent person on this bloody channel'

The Great Invasion Attempt of 2006 involved giant logos floating over Random Locations.

Important Shows that were on Nine[edit]

Hey Hey It's Saturday[edit]

A show invented back when people were too drunk to care what was on TV. In 1971, Gough Whitlam made his first appearance on this show while running for PM, on a unicycle whilst "juggling" (more similar to dropping) wads of money into the crowd. This was very popular for Gough until people realised he'd just given the 1972 budget to the Hey Hey it's Saturday Studio audience.

Hey Hey It's Saturday ran for 40 years until it's budget exceeded $1.35 and less than 1.43 billion Australian Koalas were watching each episode. Kerry then canned it and replaced it with Australia's Only Home Video Show.

Currently it has been reincarnated by Rove McManus as a three headed-emu. Shortly, Rove plans to turn it into a show, but at the moment nobody's desperate enough to watch Rove on TV, and showed him so at last years' Buble commedy festival (held in Lower Plenty, Victoria) when he was pelted with rotten eggplants and broken copies of his 'Rove- The Best of' DVD. Sadly, for those who attended, most of them missed.

When the budget recovered, they gave Hey Hey a second Chance in 2009 with two reunion specials. Then they brought the show back full time for 2010, proving that reality television only exists during variety TV downtime.

Funniest Home Renovation Videos[edit]

A show where Jamie Durie is ceremonially disgraced every week by having tools thrown at him. It is deeply symbolic and - Jamie Durie is tied to a chair on the side of Mt Kosciusko to make sure he can't run away, and the tools are thrown to show how much of a tool he is. It too, started as a drinking bet between Kerry and Steve Vizard, who said it would be funny to watch Jamie Durie cry like a little girl. Kerry agreed. It is the most expensive show on the network, as the chair is paid tens of thousands of milicents to have to be sat on by a screaming Jamie Durie each week.

A Recent Affair[edit]

Kerry always prided himself on being the highest rating news program. When the show started it mainly reported on Kerry's lastest affair. When Kerry passed away they have been copying whatever Naomi Robson's Today Tonight show and being more outraged about it. Segments include cross-promoting Getaway and interviewing Politicians who couldn't get a gig on Lateline, or worse, Meet the Press.

Today Show: Rise of the Machines[edit]

The Today Show informs viewers of what day it currently is. The show runs from 1am through 1pm and displays the day of the week as a tattoo on the forehead of one of Jessica Rowe's best friends.

Other programs which 9 air include:

  • Hey Hey it's Monday!
  • Mornings with Kerry O'Brien
  • Mornings with Kerri-Anne
Mornings with Kerry O'Brien
  • Here's Humphry B. Bogart
  • What Year is It?
  • Bert's 20 to Family Feud
  • Burgo's Million Dollar Wheel of Time
  • Tonightline
  • Trevor Marmalade looks tired
  • McDonald's Daughters
  • Backdoor Burgs
  • Brian Brown's hour of Fiber
  • Horrendous and violently humorous home video.
  • RAA
  • Amazing Medicine Stories
  • Quizmania (Australia) (Former Quiz show, callers are usually drunk or stoned)
  • 60 Minutes and the Giant Peach
  • The show that was on yesterday but has been moved then after one episode cancelled.
  • Your Mother
  • Two and a Half Laughs, now showing Eight Times an hour.
  • Australia's Funniest Dubbed Filler Show
  • Australia's Horrendous and Violently Funniest Home Videos
  • That Eddie McGuire Show at the horribly inconvenient timeslot
  • Laughter Limited
  • ONE Vs. GO!
  • Undergut

Current schedule[edit]

6:00 PM 6:30 PM 7:00 PM 7:30 PM 8:00 PM 8:30 PM 9:00 PM 9:30 PM 10:00 PM
SUN National Nine National News Backdoor Blitz 60 Centuries CSI: Crap Scene Investigation Without a Trace of Viewers
MON A Recent Affair Two and a half laughs Life in David Attenborough The farmer wants sex CSI: NY
TUE Wipeout of Viewers The chef who always says fuck Man to Bitch
WED McDonald's Daughters Undergut Canal Highway
THU Get far away The chef who always says fuck Again The GAYFL Show
FRI Friday Night football (gropefest)
SAT Australia's Horrendous and Violently Funniest Home Videos Saturday Night Movie AKA get a DVD this is going to be boring and crappy

Note: News and Current Affairs are in Grey; Drama is in Blue; Sitcoms, Animation and Comedy are in Purple; Lifestyle programs are in Green; Factual programs and Documentaries are Yellow; Variety, Reality, Game shows and Talk shows are in Red; Sport is in Orange; Movies are in Pink. The above represents Nine's usual shit primetime schedule. It does not reflect one-off events or region specific programming, and program starting times may vary from those shown. If you don't like this line-up just watch a DVD.

Current Presenters[edit]

The following is a list of Nine's current presenters and the programs they present.

Presenter Program
Eddie McGuire Hot Eddie
Eddie McGuire Hey Hey It's Eddieday
Eddie McGuire Eddie B. Bear
Eddie McGuire When I Grow Up ... I Want To Be Eddie
Eddie McGuire What's Good For Eddie
Eddie McGuire Mornings With Eddie-Anne
Eddie McGuire 20 to Eddie
Eddie McGuire 60 Eddies
Eddie McGuire National Eddie News
Eddie McGuire The Eddie Show
Eddie McGuire Eddie's Gift
Eddie McGuire Eddie's Backyard
Eddie McGuire Money
Eddie McGuire Domestic Eddie
Eddie McGuire Eddieaway
Eddie McGuire Today Show
Eddie McGuire Power of Eddie
Eddie McGuire Eddie's Wide World of Sport
Eddie McGuire A Current Eddie
Eddie McGuire Who Wants To Be An Eddie
Eddie McGuire Missing Eddies Unit
Eddie McGuire Eddie's Family Feud
Eddie McGuire Temptation
Eddie McGuire Australia's Eddiest Home Videos
Eddie McGuire The Eddie Block
Eddie McGuire Eddieline

Poll[edit]

The Nine Network is forcing us to see what is your favourite Station.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Channel 9.

WARNING: if you don't vote for Nine Kerry Packer will haunt you from the grave. <poll> What Television Station do watch the most? ABC1 (Australian Bullshit Crap Number 1) ABC2 (Australian Bullshit Crap Number 2) ABC3 (Australian Bullshit Crap Number 3) ABC News 24 (Australian Bullshit Crap Number News 24) Nine (The Eddie Channel) GO! (100% More Seinfeld) 7 (The Kochie Channel) 7TWO (Or Fourteen in Simpler Form) Ten (Nobody watches us but teenagers) ONE (Number of viewers we have) SBS1 (Some Bastard Station) SBS2 (More of the same) Channel 31 (If YOU don't vote for us, who will?) Foxtel (The Pay and still get ads Network) </poll>

Anniversary celebrations[edit]

In 2006, Nine Celebrated the fact that over the past 80 years, they have been broadcasting for at least 50 of those. A number of sepcial events took place, including a show which will highlight to top 50 stars and shows which 9 wish they had on their network. the top 5 were...

  • 5: Sandra Sully (Channel 10 presenter)
  • 4: The AFL Grand Final (The AFL Grand Final)
  • 3: Kochie and Mel (Co-host of 7 Sunrise)
  • 2: The AFL Grand Final breakfast (The AFL Grand Final breakfast)
  • 1: The Channel Nine Show (ABC Variety Sow, with Roy and HG)

Policies at Nine[edit]

  • The number 1 policy at Nine is to stay within a cent of the $10.50 annual budget.
  • The second most important policy is to only show 70% American content, and 20% British/Kiwi content. Kerry was understandably thrilled when John Howard made all Australian TV providers show at least 70% American content a day in the US-Australia Free Trade Agreement. Kerry and Eddie aim to get that percentage up to 80% in the year 2010.
  • The third most important policy to have the most prominent watermark. Currently, it occupies 30% of screen Real Estate, and Eddie has declared he aims to get that up to 115% by the year 2012.
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Channel 9 is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.