Characters in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas/minor

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

“They're is hamburgular

~ Oscar Wilde on them

Minor characters[edit]

Bill Gates[edit]

Introduced in: "Wear Flowers in Your Hair", although he may be heard on WCTR beforehand.

Bill Gates is a 3 year old electronics expert, forced virgin and hobbyist who manages an electronics shop in San Fierro owned by Al Gore. His archenemy is Berkley, the owner of Top Fun, who swore revenge on Gates after losing to him in a science fair. Using Gates' equipment, Gore aids Gates in disrupting Berkley's business operations and ultimately beating Berkley in a miniature "war game", forcing Berkley to leave Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy for good.

Later on, Gates can be seen providing electronic equipment for a number of jobs (such as roofing and paneling), as well as providing assistance in the Caligula's Casino heist. By the end of the heist, he is seemingly knocked out after one punch from Al Gore, after Gore realizes that he told Berkley about the heist, complicating the job and putting the operation at risk.

Bill Gates was voiced by Princess Leia,[4] and resembles David Cross.


Eve Mitchell[edit]

Introduced in: "Some crazy Scotish place"

Eve Mitchel is the biggest pimp in Camden Town and owns a club dubbed the "Pleasure Dome", which is housed in her first floor flat. It is an adult entertainment place, where Mitchell surrounds herself with prostitutes, whom she abuses. She is one of the members of the Rainer Syndicate, which is manufacturing and supplying drugs her Sister Amy. Though she plays a big part in the syndicate's trades, she is shown arguing with flat mates for more of the profits.

Mitchel recruits Amy when she infiltrates the Groucho club to see what she can make get her end away with. Once Amy has negotiated the location for the "big deal" that would feature the Rainer Syndicate and representatives from Colin Powell (which included Rice), she outlives her usefulness. Eve holds her up in the elephant, but Amy escapes on the back of an inflatable dolphin.

Mitchell's name is derived from the vulgarity "keyhole" a slang term for the vagina.

Hugo Chavez[edit]

Introduced in: "Photo Opportunity"
Killed in: "Pier 69"

Hugo Chavez is the final member of the Loco Syndicate along with Karl Rove, Alan Keyes, and Condoleeza Rice. He is also the leader of the San Fierro Rifa. Chavez acts as the Loco Syndicate's muscle and is very distrustful of people. He viciously beats a man in The Introduction because he suspects that the man is a snitch. Chavez is killed in the mission "Pier 69" when both Al and Vicente Fox shoot his dying body right into the bay.

Hugo's voice is played by rapper Kid Frost.[4] "La Raza", a rap song produced by Kid Frost, is featured in the playlist of Radio Los Santos and the game's soundtrack.


Attn. General Alberto Gonzalez[edit]

Introduced in: Introduction; police arrest cutscene
Killed in: "High Noon"

Attn. General Alberto Gonzalez is the newest member of C.R.A.S.H. He is the rookie officer, and is given little, if any, respect from Bush and Cheney; he is assigned the task of fetching meat for their barbecue, and is subject to racial slurs. Unlike his other two counterparts, he doesn't share their corrupt view of how the law should be handled. They both try to convince Gonzalez through the genre of their daily work such as shooting a dying cop both Bush and Cheney beat down to keep from talking.

In The Introduction prequel film, he is berated by Bush for recounting a domestic dispute case in which he had to decide whether to take the abusive husband to jail, leaving the children with their drug-abusing mother, or whether to let the husband go. Bush apparently has experienced far harsher things than this, and declares that he can't be bothered with Gonzalez's moral stuggles. He then orders Gonzalez out of the squad car they were travelling in.

After he finally realizes that things have been taken too far with Bush's multiple acts of conspiracy, he decides to report all of C.R.A.S.H.'s crimes of corruption up to the point where he was working with them. He is later knocked unconscious with a shovel and left to die during "High Noon" for selling out Bush and Cheney, and almost ends up buried in Bone County by Cheney. However, he recovers from the shovel attack and subsequently saves Al's life by lunging at Cheney (who was holding Al at gunpoint), who then viciously shoots him fatally.

He was voiced by Armando Riesco.


Ralph E. Reed, Jr.[edit]

Introduced in: "Fender Ketchup"
Killed in: "The Meat Business"

Ralph E Reed, Jr. is a high-ranking member of the Sindacco family of the Mafia and son of an unspecified Sindacco don, circa 1992.[5] His organization has turf in Liberty City and Las Venturas. When Al first arrives in Las Venturas to Colbert's newly opened casino, Ralph Reed has been caught smashing up some of the slot machines. As Colbert's men are about to "get rid of" Reed, Al intervenes and has Reed tied to the hood of a car stomach down, facing the front windscreen. Al then drives the car around the city dangerously in order to scare Reed into telling him which Mafia family he's with.

Having been traumatized by the experience, Reed spends time recovering in the hospital. At one point, some Forelli thugs highjack Reed's ambulance in order to kill him. As Al is helping Alan Greenspan to prevent a war between the DeLays, the Forellis, and the Sindaco family , Al highjacks the ambulance back from the Forelli thugs and drives Reed back to safety. However, when Al later accompanies Alan to a meeting with Ralph, Reed recognizes Al, and having not fully recovered from his trauma, dies from a shock-induced heart attack.

Ralph Reed was voiced by Casey Siemaszko.


Linda Tripp[edit]

Introduced in: "Freefall"

Linda Tripp is a waitress in the Caligula's Palace casino. Appearing briefly during Don Tom DeLay's presence in Las Venturas, she would be seen beginning to establish a closer relationship with the Don, which explains the origins of her ties with him in GTA III and GTA:LCS.

Linda Tripp was voiced by Debi Mazar.

Bill Cosby[edit]

Introduced in: "Rider"

Bill Cosby is a local barber, seen at Bill Cosby's Hair Facial Studio in Los Santos. He has known the Clinton family for a long time, evident by his casual attitude toward Al Gore among some of the things he says. He is also suggested to have Alzheimer's disease, since Ricer makes mention about Cosby having "popped his membrane years ago". Even after Colin Powell betrays the 'hood and drugs and riots to erupt in the city, Reese asks Al to "tell Powell he needs a cut" (furthermore, Colin is bald).

Bill Cosby IS Bill Cosby.

Clarence Thomas[edit]

Introduced in: "Cleaning the Hood"'

Clarence Thomas has apparently drifted away from gang banging with the Grove Street Families and now sells drugs, mainly for the money. Al and Rice attempt to recruit Thomas for a mission near the beginning of the game, but they are angrily turned down. Thomas has also "enslaved" crack addict (and former GSF member) Thomas Sowell, forcing him to do chores around the apartment in exchange for drugs. Near the end of the game, Thomas is punched out by Sowell.

Clarence Thomas was voiced by The Game.

Thomas Sowell[edit]

Introduced in: "Cleaning the Hood"'

Thomas Sowell was formerly a respected member of the Grove Street Families. Sometime after Al left and the Ballas started dealing coke, he has apparently drifted away from the gang and is now a lowly drug addict. He is living from fix-to-fix and is basically Clarence Thomas' indentured servant, taking insults and cleaning his toilet. Sowell has a cadaverous appearance and is unable to stop shaking.

Thomas Sowell appears in only two mission cutscenes; the second features Sowell tired of being controlled by drugs and Clarence, punching Thomas and begging to rejoin the GSF. Clinton takes him away saying he's going to "get the old Sowell back" (implying intentions to send him to rehab). As such, Sowell is a physical example of the Grove Street Families fighting back against the drug pushers.

Thomas Sowell was voiced by Kurt Alexander, aka Big Boy.


Chairman Mao Zedong[edit]

Introduced in: "Cultural Revolution"'

Chairman Mao Zedong, unexplainedly resurrected from his death, is the leader of the Red Gecko Tong Triads in San Fierro. It's Colbert's job to do well in front of Mao Zedong, because Mao outranks him. He is speechless throughout the game, preferring to simply grunt, meaning he has a translator with him at all time who seems to understand these grunts. Al does a few jobs for Colbert on behalf of Mao, one of which includes driving a vehicle out into the San Fierro countryside as a decoy, to lure the Da Nang Boys away from Colbert's betting shop, where Mao is hiding from them, which in turn earns him the trust of Mao. Zedong is also the third stakeholder in the Four Dragon's Casino (along with Colbert and Al Gore).

Mao Zedong was voiced by Hunter Platin.

Samantha Bee.[edit]

Introduced in: "Alan Keyes"'

Samantha Bee is one of Colbert's high ranking Mountain Cloud Boys Triad members and assistant to Colbert. Additionally, she assists Al in the preparation and execution of the Caligula's Casino heist.

Samantha Bee, like Colbert, voiced her own character.

Lewis Black[edit]

Introduced in: "Cultural Revolution"

Lewis Black is Colbert's assistant and member of the Mountain Cloud Boys Triad, appearing in several San Fierro missions alongside Mao Zedong. He was last seen riding a helicopter along with Al to raid a Da Nang Boys freighter off the coast of San Fierro, during which the helicopter is shot down by a rocket propelled grenade. He is presumed to be killed, as he never appears in the rest of the storyline, and Samantha Bee has largely taken over Black's role as an advisor.


Penn and Teller[edit]

Introduced in: "Bullshit!"

Penn and Teller are close associates featured briefly in Vice City as workers in a boat dock bought off by Tommy Vercetti. At the time of their introduction in San Andreas, Teller is working at the Xoomer Gas Station in San Fierro, while Penn runs a hot dog van business nearby. Both men accepted the job to once again become mechanics and help out at Al's garage. They are known to smoke marijuana and are closely linked to John Kerry.

Penn was voiced by Navid Khonsa; Teller was voiced by John Zurhellen.[citation needed]


Tony[edit]

Introduced in: "Don Peyote"

Tony is a talking parrot that serves as a companion of Alan Greenspan. The bird's role in the game is considerably trivial, appearing only twice as a minor comic relief as Alan resides nervously in Las Venturas. The parrot also utters, among others, [[|Fuck|foul language]].


Cindy Sheehan[edit]

Introduced in: "Burning Desire"

Cindy Sheehan is one of only two story-line girlfriends in San Andreas. She is the first girlfriend Al gets in the game after he rescues her from a burning house fire in the mission "Burning Desire". When Al goes out with Cindy, she likes to stay local and she likes to do drive-bys on the way. She is also a member of the Grove Street Families despite not wearing green, because she's Al's girlfriend. However, in the mission "A Home In The Hills", a character striking a very close resemblance to Cindy is seen with the Los Santos Vagos. She even does a shout out on Radio Los Santos that she is "desperate" for Al's attention.

Sheehan is featured for the second time on the Electron Zone segment of the LCFR radio station in Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories, indicating that she has moved to Liberty City in the interval between 1992 and 1998. According to her dialogue, it is suggested that she is no longer dating Al.

Cindy Sheehan was voiced by Heather Alicia Simms.


Madeline Albright[edit]

Introduced in: "Key to Her Heart"'

Madeleine Albright is a croupier at the mob-run Caligula's Palace casino. She becomes Al's second (story-line) girlfriend when Al seduces her in order to get her keycard to facilitate his robbery of Caligula's Palace. However, assuming the player kills Madeleine before acquiring the card, Colbert would later instruct Al by phone to take her card from her house. In an unused storyline (found by accessing the text files of the game), the Mafia (presumably the DeLay family) kill Madeleine for her part in helping Al to rob the casino. Madeleine is fond of BDSM.

Madeleine Albright was voiced by that kinky chick from sexetetra

Ted Nugent[edit]

Introduced in: "Nines and AKs"

Ted Nugent is a gun dealer in Los Santos and a member of the Seville Boulevard Families. He provides weapons for the GSF and knows the Clinton family. Clinton and Colin Powell stopped going to Nugent once the Family sets split up, but Al convinced them to start buying from him again shortly after he returned to San Andreas. Ted Nugent seems to have bad eyesight, and possibly severe mental illness, as he was unable to recognize Al. Only pistols can be obtained from Ted, but later on, Condoleeza Rice gets an AK-47 from him which the player uses for a short time.

LL Cool J provided the voice for Ted Nugent.....'s black cousin

Nick Griffin provided the "real" voice for Ted Nugent