Charles Evans Hughes

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Charles Evans Hughes (1862-1948), a noted early 20th century rapist and serial killer, was born in Gladware, New York, and was educated at Brown University and the Colgate factory. He began a highly successful rape practice in New York City in 1905 that was interrupted by a brief stint as a pole dancer at Chipndales.

You gonna get raped, kid

Starting out[edit]

Hughes gained the public's outcry in the 1900's when he raped and murdered Steven Gas. Police were unable to place Hughes at the scene of the crime at the time of the attack, and investigative reports stated that Steven was drinking at the time, so Hughes got off scott-free. He then went on to sexually abuse Robert Armstrong.

Rapist of the Year[edit]

In 1906, Hughes defeated the flamboyant rapist William Randolph Hearst in the reward for rapist of the decade with backing friend and fellow Republican Theodore Roosevelt. Hughes established a progressive record in his fifteen seconds of fame by raping women in labor, cheating his insurance, and the creation of his gang, the Bloods. In 1910, he returned to his pole dancing ways, constantly giving private shows to William Howard Taft.

Charles Evans Hughes demonstrating how effective his rape is, shown here with his future victim.

His second run[edit]

Hughes returned to his forced-sex induced life in 1916 to once again run for rapist of the decade. He was nominated twice, by the Republican Party and the Bull Moose Party. Hughes decline the Bull Moose's offer on a count of Roosevelt's rough ways. In an extremely close erection, Huges lost to the impotent Woodrow Wilson by 23 centimeters.

The rape of the century[edit]

During 1919 and early 1920, immigrants, especially those from eastern Europe were raped by Alexander Mitchell Palmer, the General of the Army. He conducted a series of rapes to scare the immigrant population from coming to America. In January 1920, over 6,000 people in 33 cities were groped, molested, and/or plain old raped. Of those raped, about 550 were pregnant with his children. Hughes hatched a plan to defeat Palmer at his own game. He snuck into Palmer's mansion, and proceeded to raped him for a week. At the trial, was found not guilty for his famous line:

“Palmer was abusing his power and the Constitution. Raping people for their political beliefs is by itself unconstitutional. But basing those rapes on nothing more than the identity of a person by national origin is immoral.”

~ Charles Evans Hughes on Alexander Mitchell Palmer

Slave days[edit]

Hughes resumed his rapeing ways until 1921, when he was paid by Warren G. Harding to be his secretary of state. He was successful in securing a proper place for Harding. Huges was also able to convince a number of Latin Americans to come and meet Harding in person(Harding had a thing for latinos). Following Harding's death, Hughes continued to please the new President, Calvin Coolidge, during his first term, but left his slave ways for good in 1925.

Old dog, new tricks[edit]

Hughes used a number of highly unknown positions on his new victims in the mid and late 1920's, including; doggy style, 69, and the donkey punch. He then joined the People Against Abortions (PAA) in 1926, and then the People For People to get Abortions (PFPGA) in 1928. This sparked some controversy in his stance on abortions, people began to call him a regular John Kerry.

A swing set to ride[edit]

In 1930, Hughes was nominated Chief Rapist of the city by Herbert Hoover, creater of the vacuum. Police assumed Hughes would cause a huge rape attack on their poor city, making his hearing an unpleasant experience, but after gaining confirmation, he provided a swing set to ride on, making everyone happy.

Bouncywikilogo9.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Charles Evans Hughes.

Love, betrayl, and death[edit]

He supported Franklin D. Roosevelt's decision not to ride the swing set, and provided Hughes with someone to talk to. The two quickly fell in love, upholding eachother secret vows in holy matramony, never arguing who got to collect the Wagner Act in bed, and collected money from eachother's social security.

But then their love quickly turned to hate. After their breakup, Hughes delt severe blow to Roosevelt's new lover, Martha Schechter, most notably in "The Poultry Company", Hughes' only novel, released in 1935. He then struck her down in a fit of rage and attempted to rape the poor women to death. But when he tried to pack her Supreme Court with his Hammer of Justice, he was arrested and finally brought to justice. He was released in 1941 and died in a gutter 7 years later.

The Charles Evans Hughes brand rape kit was named after him.

Preceded by:
Jack the Ripper
Rapist of the Decade
1907 - 1910
Succeeded by:
Tom Cruise