Charlie Villanueva

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“Charlie Villanueva? If you see him tell him I found his eyebrows.”


Charlie Villanueva (full name Charles Spock Villanueva, b. circa 1125, d. circa 2002) is an unknown alien creature who was born on the distant planet of Xinishkabula. Not much is known about his species, only that they are among the ugliest creatures in the universe, ranking up there with slugs and rhinoceroses.

Charlie during birth on the planet Xinishkabula.


Early Life[edit]

Charlie was born on Xinishkabula to his loving parents Flavor Flav and Mick Jagger. Many speculated that Steven Tyler was involved, but the DNA test proved those theories wrong. Although Xinishkabula was known for its ugly inhabitants, Charlie was still ridiculed by his classmates for his ugliness. They laughed at his lack of eyebrows and misshapen bald head. He flew into depression for a few years, until his two brothers were born, Joakim Noah and Sam Cassell. When he realized he was not the ugliest of the ugly, he grew more content. The happy family lived off the land for many years until it was time for the children to go off on their own.

Not quite the Brady Bunch...


Journey to Earth[edit]

“Charlie Villanueva is quite ugly. Just look at his face and head!”

When young Charles reached the age of 153, it was time to travel to the planet Earth. He came with his brothers on a flying toothbrush and landed in North Macedonia. He killed 84 Macedonians on impact. But his voyage was not necessarily ill-fated. Charlie found his way to Eastern Mongolia and lived his life among the Mongols. He eventually developed a deep friendship and feeling of kinship with Genghis Khan. They foraged the land together until Genghis came to an untimely demise at the hands of a bull-moose. Charlie was in anguish, but he ultimately found his brothers and settled in Sweden.


Married Life[edit]

“I wouldn't marry Charlie Villanueva even if I was Britney Spears!”

Charlie absolutely adored Sweden. It was cold and he was forced to cover his head and face so nobody could see his ugliness. It was here that his brother Joakim Noah slipped on some ice, hit his face on the ground, and put the gigantic gap between his front teeth. It was also here that Charlie met Janet Reno. It was love at first sight for him. They quickly married and led a wonderful life. Janet even won Man of the Year honors.

Isn't he/she beautiful?