Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
| This article needs liposuction!
|This poor old lady is not in her better shape, but we wish we could trust |
your swift hands to bring her back to her former glory.
We mean rewrite it!
“You can suck it and suck it and it never gets any smaller.”
“My factory is a very special place for children.”
“I thought my son was crazy before, but a chocolate factory...”
“Most of the time use kids for experimenting new substances.”
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is a pornographic documentary in 2003 about the pop singer Michael Jackson selling his Neverland ranch to finance a chocolate factory.He commented that he created the factory to make kids happy with his candy.However,as revealed in the documentary,it was primarily made to lure kids in so he can have sex with them.The documentary discusses primarily a contest that Michael created that invited children to the factory.
History of the factory
Willy Wonka's chocolate factory is the name of the Michael Jacksons factory but its just an alternate name for Michael.He came up with it probably to avoid lawsuits if he had sex with any of the children in his factory.The cost of financing the factory cost 3 million dollars.Michael had to come up with multiple loans and go into massive debt in able to pay for it.He couldn't afford workers so he decided to make them.He collaborated with Tom Cruise to create people from plants.He succeeded and named them oompa loompas.He paid them by giving them one bottle of water every day.He worked them 24 hours a day,but they couldn't complain. They were slaves to Michael.Michael based the design of the factory on Neverland ranch.There were ferris wheels, video arcades and petting zoos.However,everything in his factory was made out of chocolate.Except for the animals in the petting zoo.He eventually got rid of the petting zoo because the animals kept eating too much of his chocolate.
The chocolate was mixed by waterfall.Magical trees grew that had candy apples.The candy was produced primarily on conveyor belts.Oompa loompas put liquid chocolate into a vat,then loaded the chocolate into a machine, which made it into bars and they wrapped them and put them in boxes to be shipped.However,some of the oompa loomas played around in the factory and took shits into the liquid chocolate vat.Michael noticed this increased the tastiness of the chocolate so he fed oompa loomas lots of burritos to make them defecate more.Michael's special product, milk duds were made by squirting his own breast milk into balls of chocolate.His milk actually tasted good,like honey.Other products include lsd bars and wonka-vite, a product that allowed adults to turn into a child again.Micheal is still working on it because the current products just make adults turn into midgets. Michael made lots of money from his candy.millions of millions of dollars in his first year.Children loved the candy.However, a lot of parents didn't like Michael because of his past accusations of child rape.To lure children and change conceptions about him, he created a contest in which 5 children who found a golden nose in thier candy bar would get a free tour to go to his chocolate factory.Each child would take a parent with them, to make it seem Michael was concerned about their safety,and each child would receive a lifetime supply of chocolate.it was really a lifetime supply of shit because of the oompa loompas pooping.
The Candy Contest
.There was massive publicity for the contest he created.Children all over the world bought millions of Micheal Jackson's chocolate candy bars.Michael didn't care about the money though.He just wanted the children to come to his factory and have lots of "fun".The news media promoted it every day for 6 months .Especially NBC.Unfortunately, 2 girls got one.He wasn't happy about it but he felt the public would revolt against him if he took the golden noses from the girls and gave it to somebody else.To prevent this from happening again,he made the chocolate make girls pregnant because of special drugs that Michael made himself so they would stop buying them.It had no affect on males.His plan worked.All the other winners were boys.The children were charlie bucket,Augustus Gloop, Veruca Salt, violet Beauregarde, and Mike Teevee.
Here is some info on the children that were publicized on the news and went to Michael Jackson's factory.
Charlie Bucket - Charlie Bucket was a poor 17 year old African American boy who came from Harlem, New York. He lived with his grandfather, his mother and his 2 other siblings: a brother and a sister who dropped out of high school and were unemployed. His entire family including him were drug addicts who mostly watched Ren and Stimpy and slept. He won the golden ticket by accident. It was originally a white kid in the same neighborhood but he found out where he was and got out his shotgun and gunned that nigga down. Nobody found out because he burned the body. In his interview when he won the ticket he commented: "Yeah, Son, I got the gold ticket but I wish the prize were a lifetime supply of weed and not chocolate. But I get the munchies a lot because of all the chronic that I smoke so chocolate was cool". He was taken by his grandfather, Grandpa Joe who was a crazy old man who thought Star Wars was real and JarJar Binks was hunting him down to kill him. He was excited as charlie to go the factory. He and charlie planned to kill Michael and convert the chocolate factory into a strip club that sold beer.
Augustus Gloop - Augustus Gloop was a 10 year old German kid who was the son of a butcher and his 500 pound wife. He was a 600 pound obese kid because his diet consisted of large amounts of chocolate every 3 minutes. His father was starving because he and his mother ate everything in house and only left crumbs for his father. Fat bastard. He was from Germany. He found the gold ticket trying to break a world record by eating his body weight in Michael's candy bars. He luckily ate a winning candy bar and won before defecating and filling up his entire room with shit that resulted from the massive amounts of chocolate he ate. He commented in an interview, "I won the contest. I'm so happy, I can't wait to receive my lifetime supply of candy. I pooped so much when I tried to break the world record for most Michael Jackson candy bars. But image how much I will poop when I eat my lifetime supply of candy. "His mother took him to the factory and was his guardian.
Veruca Salt - She was a 13 year old girl from who was from a wealthy family. Despite her age she was something of a dominatrix she was able to break any man's abilty to resist her by using sexual torture. When she failed to win the contest she kiddnapped Charlie and dressed him in dresses and pink tights. She fed him dog food and took him for a walk on a leash every day she whipped him when he disobeyed her and made him sleep in a cage. Charlie eventually gave up resisting and married her its been fifteen years but she still won't sleep with him which puts a strain on things. Veruca lets Charlie run things during the day. She makes all the real decisions and is responsible for the city's organised crime. When the police came they arrested Charlie as Veruca pointed out that he was still legaly in charge. She is now seducing Wonka to gain further control.
Violet Beauregarde - She was a 13 year old girl white girl from Chicago who liked to chew gum a lot. She was breaking the world record to chew a piece of gum the longest. She was also a gymnast. She started when she was 3 years old. She loved to compete in everything. This was because her father was the basketball player Shaq. She only won the contest because Shaq was hired by Michael to promote his candy in a T.V. commercial with Ben Stein. Shaq ate the candy bar he was promoting in his hand and got a golden nose. Shaq liked chocolate. He wanted to go with Kobe Bryant but a child had to go so he begged his daughter to go with him Michael's factory. In return he would buy her more chewing gum. Here are her comments in regard to winning: "I am the best, I am a true winner, I will show Michael that I am the "sweetest" child. He will "love me" more than the other children.
Mike Teevee - He was 10 year old kid who was addicted to tv. His father was a mentally unstable cable guy named Jim Carey and a mother who worked in an office. His parents were not home a lot so he looked to tv to stimulate him. His favorite tv show was The Jeffersons. He got interested in Michael Jackson's candy bars by looking at the tv commercials. He was brainwashed by the commercials into eating them. He bought lots of candy bars and eventually won a golden nose. Here were his comments: "I know Michael Jackson. I've seen all his videos on tv."
The Tour of the Factory
On August 2003, a filmmaker Forrest Whitaker went with a camera to document on what had happened inside michael's factory.Michael Jackson allowed it so he can show the world that he loved children and would never do anything harmful to them. Millions of camera men watched as the 5 children went to the factory.Michael made his entrance.First he did the moonwalk and suddenly collapsed.A doctor came in and commented that michael jackson was dead from drug overdose.Within 3 seconds Michael jumped up and did a 360 degree spin.He told everybody it was a joke.He did it to gain media attention for himself.Sadly,in 2009 Michael died and it was no joke.First he introduced himself to the children and their parents.
"Hello,charlie and welcome to my factory,you are a big "strong" boy.michael then starts massaging his back to try to seduce him.
Charlie:nigga, get the fuck off me before i blast you with my piece
veruca,and violet walk by and Michael says nothing to them.He sees shaq."Hey,I know you, you and Ben Stein are making a movie together.i look foward to seeing it."
He then showed them all to a small room with a tiny door with an ant only be able to fit in.With his magical powers he magically gets them.He then leads them to a candy garden.It was paradise.He then sings a happy song to the children,
Take a drink, And you'll sink, In a state of pure inebriation, You'll be tanked, Like the whole Irish nation!
When you drink enough of my beer, You will find this magic rule, Make your every joke a jewel, You'll drive drunker than Oskana Maiul!
Go on buds, Drink my suds, Till you've reached that pure inebriation, Though the beer may be free, You're just renting it from me,
After the song,Michael then tries to pluck a hair from veruca's head and accidently takes her $300 dollar weave off and shes bald.All the children go check out the candy.They gorge themselves on candy apples, gummie bear's and michael jackson's special Chocolate Milk Duds.Augustus goes to the candy river to drink from the chocolate river.
"Michael-augustus my boy, dont drink that,that is my "special" chocalate.Drinking too much of it can kill you.
Augustus-yuo can never have too much chocolate.He drinks for 3 hours and suddenly hiccups.He then walks like hes drunk and falls face first into the chocalate river.
Mrs' Gloop-save my baby.
Michael-im sorry,your son is dead,.He died from drug overdose.that chocalate consisted of over 3 tons of coke and angel dust Oh , well, come on oompa loompas,tell everybody what they can learn from what just happened.
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do I have a perfect puzzle for you, Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee, If you are wise, you'll listen to me, drugs are your friends so put a needle in your arm, Getting really high wont cause you no harm., What are you getting at smoking a bonk??it feels so good so your doing no wrong
I want to smoke all of it.
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-da, if you get get wasted, you will go far You will live in happiness too, Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do
This formerly savage article is brought to you, and your Christian God, by your resident Lobsterbacks. You can join them on their next Colonization at Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization.
Andrew Jackson | Bo Jackson | Jackson Pollock | Jacksonville | Janet Jackson | Jerry Jackson | Jesse Jackson | Michael Jackson | Randy Jackson | Samuel L. Jackson | Stonewall Jackson | Who The Fuck Is Jackson Pollock?