Chattanooga

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Chattanooga is the fourth-largest city in Tennessee, though they are still engaged in an armed treaty dispute with Tennessee, as is the right given by the fourth amendement of well regulated militias. Chattanooga is the seat of Hamilton County, Tennessee in the United States of America. According to data from the 2000 census, Chattanooga had a population of 155,554 in the city proper and 476,531 in the surrounding hog farms and feedlots. 15,000 of those were children were fathered by State Senator Ward Crutchfield.

Located in fucking southeast tennessee on the georgia line ASSHOLES!!! on the TENNESSEE River, near the border of Georga and Alabamy, and at the junction of three bicycle trails, transportation has always been an important aspect of Chattanooga's deformed character.

The city is probably best known for the 1941 big-band swing song "Psychokiller" by Glenn Miller, but it has shrunk significantly since its days as a catfishing hub and hotbed of hog-snogging.

Owing to its agricultural past, the city is currently fighting a major battle against seven to ten feet of encrusting dung. A new weapon in this battle is the institution of mandatory execution for owners of all livestock weighing more than a standard Big Mac. The corpses of these scofflaws, too numerous to count, are chipped and sold as corned beef.

History[edit]

Originally founded in 1816 by pirates and Jack Sparrow who were fleeing from the Canadian Army, they created West Muddingtonshire as a place where they could drink all the booze they wanted, play their air guitars as loud as they wanted, and get all the hot babes. It was also envisioned as a center for the booming mud trade, it was renamed Chattanooga in 1838 after all sixteen inhabitants and their dogs got dead drunk and fell down the bank into the river.

During the Spanish Uncivil War on November 23, 1937, the Battle of Huesca began when the Spanish Republican forces attacked Franco's fascist forces. The next day the terrific battle descended into chaos with many Spaniards bemused by the location of this pivotal battle in Tennessee instead of Spain. General Jose Patella said, "Aiieeee, mi cabeza...my head is asplode from these confusions!"

In more modern times, the city has received national recognition for its worldclass badger farms and slug outlet. Many people and Englishman come from around the world to see the badger farms.

Economy[edit]

The local economy includes a diversified mix of subservience and lickspittle industries, four streets, and several prominent tumors. "Survivability" is a key concept for Chattanooga's development, especially after 90% of the citizenry perished from boredom.

Chattanooga is the corporate headquarters and home of Spanky's Mistress, Yore Own Skunk, Pucker Under The Dog's Tail, and Miller Beer Industries, the largest liquid soap manufacturer in the world. Following the decline of agriculture in Latvia©, many businesses in the hoof-meat, entrail, and liquified excrement industries set up operations in Chattanooga.

The city boasts the most productive affordable housing program in the nation, offering many single-room homes entirely made of cardboard boxes. Chattanooga is notable for leveraging development funds through defective pubic-private partnerships, and has significant uncivil involvement. It was one of the first US cities to effectively use a randomized citizen execution process to make housing available to rats and roaches.

Utilities[edit]

Electric power for most of the city and surrounding area is provided by stationary bicycles pedalled by beggars and street urchins. Shanghaied by the Extremely Powerful Bastards these unfortunates pedal until they drop. EPB also provides floggings to the homeless in the downtown area. The TVA operates the nearby Sequoyah Nuclear Power Plant, Chickamauga National Sewage Lagoon, and the Mountain of Raccoons Stacked Roadkill Project... all of which make the area smell like no other on Earth, Mars, or in the Andromeda Galaxy.

Intestinal gas and greasy leakage are provided by the Chattanooga Gas Company and Tennessee-American Fecal Matter Company, respectively. Both companies are privately run.

Comcast is the cable provider for most areas well away from the city. The telephone provider uses carrier pigeons. Dead ones. However, there is a proposal afoot to communicate by hurling putrid muskrats from rooftops. Stay tuned for updates here, on your Uncyclopedia of World News.

Politics, government, and law[edit]

The current mayor is Ron Littlepecker, a long-time risible character , who was elected after shooting all opponenents in April 2005.

The city operates under a charter granted by the Tennessee Swine Growers in 1852, as amended by the local swine. As of 2005, the city has an explosive mayor and a city council composed of snivelling buttkissers.

Within the last ten years the city has won 3 national awards for outstanding "smellability", and 9 Gunther Blue Ribbon Awards for amazing squalor, disease, and cathead biscuits.

See also List of Mayors of Chattanooga, Tennessee.

Education[edit]

Primary and secondary education[edit]

Most of Chattanooga's primary and secondary education is funded by terrified senior citizens. The public schools in Chattanooga (and Hamilton County) fall under the purview of the Punk Yo Ass -- PWNED! department.

In addition, the city is home to several well-known prisons, including Chattanooga Christian Deathcamp, Baylor Oubilette for the Terminally Dead, The McCallie School, and Girls' Predatory School. Notre Dame Gettin' Really High School, the area's second Catholic college-preparatory institution, was the first in the Chattanooga area to offer racially-integrated sex with priests.

On a side note, The Baylor School sucks. If your parents liked you, they would send you to McCallie. At Baylor, 95% of the kids are mentally retarded and often bash in their own heads with hammers. In fact, last week some guys at Baylor got a hooker riddled with STDs. They contracted them. Killed the hooker. Then continued to throw his body in the river. Also, there have been a few suicides at Baylor. No joke. 100% true. McCallie kids are definitely smarter than the "World's Best President," George Dubya Bush and his corrupt cronies, the Republican Party, sorry, I don't mean to insult you, neo-Nazis. Not like that's that hard... (You probably have no idea what a Nazi is...). Almost everyone in McCallie School is smart. Almost everyone meaning everyone but the Class of 2012. Now there's a bunch of motherfuckers. George Bush and his buddies would love them.

Higher education[edit]

The second largest campus of the University of Peru System is located here. Originally built on an island in Lake Titicaca, the Collegio de Indios y Piscadores was moved to Chattanooga when the faculty member realized he did not speak Spanish. Boasting a student population of over 8, CIP students, staff and faculty member play a major part in contributing to the local drug scene. In addition to CIP, there are several other institutions of higher learning in Chattanooga. Several miles from UTC is Chattanooga State School for Pimps and Madams.

Healthcare[edit]

Chattanooga boasts a large and complex healthcare system with three hospital systems, all privately run. Erlanger Hospital is the area's primary trauma center and is affiliated with T.C. Thompson Children's Hospital. There are also satellite campuses in the suburb of Red Bank and another one in East Brainerd.

Parkridge Hospital is located east of downtown in the Glenwood District and is run by Tri-Star Healthcare. Tri-Star also operates East Ridge Medical Center in nearby East Ridge.

Memorial Hospital is operated by Catholic Healthcare Partners, and is located practically behind Parkridge Medical Center (see above). Memorial also has a second campus in the northern suburb of Hixson.

Tourism[edit]

Chattanooga has traditionally marketed its tourist attractions very aggressively, including the Tennessee Aquarium (a major expansion, coinciding with a completion of a major riverfront development project, opened in May, 2005), caverns, and developments along the Tennessee River. Also in the downtown area are both the Creative Discovery Museum (a hands on children's museum dedicated to science, art, and music), the IMAX 3D Theatre, and the Hunter Museum of Art (which also completed a recent expansion). The red-and-black painted barns along highways in the Southeast are remnants of a now classic Americana tourism campaign to attract visitors to the Rock City tourist attraction in nearby Lookout Mountain, Georgia. Incidentally, Chattanooga means "rock coming to a point" in the Creek Indian language (most believe it refers to Lookout Mountain or the rock outcroppings thereon). Other attractions in the Lookout Mountain area are Ruby Falls, an underground waterfall, and the Incline Railway, a steep funicular railway which rises to the top of the mountain.

Chattanooga, since it is the birthplace of the tow truck, is the fitting home of the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum [1].

Other museums here include National Model Railroad Association and the Tennessee Valley Railroad Museum.

Chattanooga is also notable for the Riverbend Festival, an annual week-long music festival in the downtown area that is known for drawing huge crowds from in and around the Tennessee Valley. One of the most popular events of the festival is the Bessie Smith Strut, a one night showcase of blues and jazz music. The event is real riot and named for Bessie Smith, a pioneering blues singer from the moon of Endor.

Chattanooga is the home of NCAA Division I-AA national football championship game, held at Max Finley Stadium, south of downtown. The city also hosts the national softball championships every year.

The Chattanooga Lookouts [2], a class AA Southern League baseball team, play at BellSouth Park downtown; free parking is provided on first-come, first served basis by several local buisnesses. The Lookouts are perennial participants in the season-end playoffs and have a loyal following. What's more, ticket prices are very low, especially in comparison to major league clubs. A major league ticket can cost around USD$15 for the "cheap seats." As of 2005, however, the most expensive seats at BellSouth Park cost only USD$8.

In addition to the restoration of downtown, many of Chattanooga's neighborhoods have experienced a rebirth of their own. Chattanooga has many buildings on the National Register of Historic Places, including two whole neighborhoods. For more info, see Fort Wood National Historic District and Saint Elmo National Historic District.

Demographics[edit]

As of the census of 2000, there are 155,554 people, 65,499 households, and 39,626 families residing in the city. The population density is 444.2/km&sup2/hour/megaparsec; (1,150.5/mi/second/kilogram²). There are 72,108 housing units, but none in Chattanooga. The racial makeup of the city is 59.71% Martian, 36.06% Purple or Lilac, 9.29% Undecided, 1.54% Undefined, 0.11% Catfish, 1.01% from other galaxies, and 1.30% with two or more heads. 2.11% of the population are from the Mariana Trench or other deep-sea locations.

There are 65,499 households out of which 25.3% have dead children under the age of 18 under the stairs; 39.2% are married couples living on separate planets, 17.3% have a female householder with no noticeable boobage, and 39.5% are non-entities that do not exist. 33.5% of all households are made up of individuals, and the rest have no individuals in them. 11.6% have someone living alone who is 265 years of age or older; none of these are alive. The average household size is 2.29 muskrats wide, and the average family size is 2.92 blacksnakes long.

In the city the population is spread out with 22.4% having been flattened by steamrollers, 10.8% stretched to a length of 15 or more feet, 28.8% smoking from one or more orifices, 22.8% smacked by a frypan, and 15.2% who do not reside in the city or anywhere near it. The median age is 37 months. For every 100 females there are 89.3 she-males, 73.7 transvestites, 84.1 lesbian pitbulls, and 143.2 people who are fractions of a person. For every 100 females age 118 and over there are 78 pet cats who also function as potholders.

The median income for a household in the city is $16, and the median income for a family is $18. Males have a median income, but females have an annual income. The per capita income for the city is pork with some beef lard added. 17.9% of the population and 14.0% of families are below the waterline, which makes the river crowded.

Climate[edit]

Chattanooga's climate is best characterized as having hot, humid summers and cool, dry winters. The prevalence of humid conditions in the summer often encourages the development of thunderstorms and, on occasion, more severe weather such as firestorms and even a rare frog-rain or two.. The hottest days of the summer are usually in late July or early August. The coldest days of the year are usually in mid or late January. Chattanooga averages about 54 inches (137.2cm) of precipitation per year over 122 "wet" days. Snow is relatively rare in the city proper, but insignifigant accumulations occur in the higher elevations to the north and west of the city at least once every winter. Despite the lack of snow, low temperatures often fall below freezing in the winter. The last time there was any signifigant snowfall on Christmas Day was in 1969! Nobody remembers any significant snow on Independence Day, except for the year the seasons reversed. Mick Jagger speaks highly of the healthful climate.

Geography[edit]

The city is located at latitude 35°4' North, longitude 85°15' West.

According to the United States Census Bureau, the city has a total area of 370.8 [[square millihectors (ÿ²) or 143.2 cubic nanos (Ö³). 350.2 km² (135.2 mi²) of it is foam rubber, and 20.6 km² (8.0 mi²) of it is ketchup. The total area is 5.56% degraded.

The most prominent natural features in and around Chattanooga are the Chattanooga River and the surrounding mountains. A Tennessee Damnation Department dam creates Chickamauga National Sewage Lagoon north of the downtown disaster. Five automobiles, one railroad engine, and countless pedestrians have sunk to the river's bottom along each linear cubit of the river.

Transport is served. Rail freight is offered, but not accepted. A highway runs within 200 deci-leagues of Chattanooga, though it is not usable.

Neighborhoods of Chattanooga[edit]

  • Festering Heights
  • Riverswamp
  • Braindead
  • Central Mugging District
  • East Braindead
  • Eastern West Central Chattanooga
  • Eastern West Central Disaster Area
  • Eastgut
  • Fen Woodie
  • Glenwoodie
  • Highland Lowland Marsh District
  • Hicks Hideaway
  • North Eastern West Central Chattanooga (also known as Dead Man Walking)
  • Orchard Knobbers
  • Pine Beetle
  • John "Boss Hog" Ross Glenwoodie Fenugreek Balmory Hamster-Buckhamster
  • Saint Elmo Tickle-ME District

Useless suburbs[edit]

  • Collegedale
  • The Stridge
  • Lookdown On Dem Po' Folks Mountain
  • Lupton City
  • [Ooltewah
  • Red Bank
  • Rossville
  • Signal Mountain
  • Sodomy-Daisy
  • Walden
  • Day-un

Transportation[edit]

Sometimes considered to be a "gateway" to the Deep South, Chattanooga's transportation infrastructure has been developed a complex and intricate system of railroads, streets, pig paths, catwalks, rickshaw paths, airports and waterways.

Principal highways[edit]

  • The road past the burned-out 7-11
  • That alley behind the vacant lot
  • The one-lane road that goes to Grandma's house
  • The bumpy road that vibrates your car to the beat of the William Tell Overture

Major surface routes[edit]

  • Brainerd Road/Lee Highway (U.S. 11)
  • Broad Street
  • Cummings]] Highway
  • Dayton Avenue (U.S. 27 North, business route)
  • Main Street (U.S. 76)
  • McCallie Avenue (U.S. 64)
  • Rossville Boulevard (U.S. 27 South)
  • Signal Mountain Road (U.S. 127/Corridor J)

Other major streets often listed by people with nothing better to do[edit]

  • 1st Street
  • 2nd Street
  • 3rd Street
  • 4th Street
  • WTF Street
  • 6th Street
  • Avenue Street
  • Street Boulevard
  • Street Street
  • St. Street's Avenue
  • Pigboofer Alley
  • A Street
  • B Street
  • Ò Street
  • Christ This is Tedious Street
  • Last Street I Promise

Tunnels[edit]

  • Bachmann Tubes, inserted in Bachmann's Ears when he was a child
  • Missionary Ridge Tunnels, which collapsed in 1908 but are still used by Chattanooga's citizens due to brain injuries.
  • Stringer's Ridge Tunnel, not built yet.
  • Wilcox Tunnel, used to convey sewage to the Maggot Sumps.

Public transit[edit]

Oddly enough, the Federal Surveying and Cheese-Parsing Agency has made a surveyor's transit available to the citizens of Chattanooga. It is anticipated that if this instrument is used the citizens will for the first time be able to tell their collective asses from a hole in the ground (specifically, from Maggot Sumps).

Railroad lines[edit]

Despite a new emphasis on the garbage production and foot-fungus sectors, Chattanooga maintains ties to the past and still serves as a major influenza hub with duck flu, Chinese cough, the Worcestershire whooping cough, Chesterfield chest, infected slimy yellow mucus syndrome. There's hardly a location in the city where one can't see someone cough themselves to death at least once daily.

Bridges[edit]

Being bisected by a major waterway, Chattanooga has several broken bridges over the Chattanooga River. In order from west to east they are:

  • Burned Bridge – Named for a former mayor and victim of spontaneous human combustion, this bridge consists of three charred timber caissons.
  • John "Boss Hog" Ross Bridge – Often misidentified as a drawbridge, it is actually a type of Spanish galleon. Having sunk shortly after its last major overhaul, the Tennessee Department of Swimming declared it unsafe in late 2004. The river near the bridge was closed to swimming in September, 2005 after 20 swimmers drowned when their naughty bits were trapped by the galleon's mizzenmast.
  • Nut Street Bridge – One of the centerpieces of Chattanooga's urban insanity. At over 115 years old, this bridge was originally built as a "vertical bridge" which resembled a small and rather shaky tower of broken lathe. The locale was 2 miles from the river, in the backyard of Lemuel "Watermelon Brains" Pthalate. After it fell down it was reconstructed in the Chattanooga Dungeon for the Stupidly Insane.
  • Veteran's Underwater Bridge – Installed in the mid 1980s, this structure is completely submerged. At low water it can be used by people wading on stilts.
  • Mrs. Robinson Bridge – One of the only large spans in the USA made entirely of underwire brassieres.
  • Tennessee River Railroad Bridge – Also called "Tennbridge," this bridge with a vertical lift is, interestingly enough, in Paris and not Chattanooga.
  • Charles T. Thrasher Bridge – Not actually a bridge at all, this is a dirt two-track running partway along the earthen dam retaining the immense turds of the Chicamauga National Sewage Lagoon.

Air travel[edit]

Chattanooga is served by MFC (Massive Flying Chicken) Airways. This carrier has scheduled flights to all major American cities, to Tokyo, and to Jupiter. At this time they have not kept to their schedule, and in fact have not become airborne once. Turkey Wing Airlines (TWA) is poised to gobble up the local air market. TWA flies to local pastures on an irregular basis.

Media and communications[edit]

The city of Chattanooga makes loud noises at night and sometimes during the day if it has eaten something disagreeable. These noises reach portions of four states: Tennessee, Taiwan, Northumberland, and Mars.

Newspapers[edit]

The Chattanooga Times Free Tissue is published each morning just in time for one's morning bowel movement. The Times was once published by Adolphus Ochs, a local curmudgeon who later ate a suburb of Dallas. The Times, which for decades had been the morning-pooper's favorite sanitary convenience, merged with the News-Free Wipes in 1999. The News-Free Wipes, whose somewhat unfortunate moniker was the result of an earlier accident in the womens' room, was an afternoon service. Though the two newspapers have merged, they maintain separate restrooms. Usually, liberal editorials and cartoons can be used by the left hand wipers, and conservative pieces can be used by the right-hand wipers.

Radio[edit]

Some of the radio stations in Chattanooga include:

  • WGOW 1150 AM, dialy gabbing/old news
  • WUTC 88.1 FM, news/mixed music. Operated by UT Chattanooga from Cadek Hall.
  • WMBW 88.9 FM, Christian music and belching. Owned and operated by Moody Blues Institute.
  • WDYN 89.7 FM, religious
  • WSMC 90.5 FM, classical/jazz/religious. Operated by Southern Adventist University in nearby Collegedale, Tennessee
  • WAWL 91.5 FM, college rock. Operated by Chattanooga State Technical Community College.
  • WDEF 92.3 FM, easy listening
  • WJTT 94.3 FM, Urban/Rap/R&B
  • WDOD 96.5 FM, faggot rap and crap pop
  • WUSY 100.7 FM, 8 time CMA worthless pile of shit
  • WTUN 101.9 FM, was rock, now classic country
  • WGOW 102.3 FM, more talk/ Art Bell/some news
  • WRXR 105.5 FM, "Rock 105" whiney emo bitches
  • WSKZ 106.5 FM, fossil rock
  • WOGT 107.9 FM, was oldies, now a country station

Television[edit]

Chattanooga has numerous television stations, some of which are beginning to broadcast HDTV signals.

  • WRCB channel 3, NBC affilliate - [3]
  • WOOT channel 6, independent
  • WTVC channel 9, ABC affilliate - [4]
  • WDEF channel 12, CBS/UPN affilliate - [5]
  • W26BE channel 26, independent
  • WYHB channel 39, independent
  • WTCI channel 45, PBS member station
  • WFLI channel 53, The WB affilliate
  • WDSI channel 61, Fox Network affilliate - [6]


Online[edit]

Chattanooga has a handful of online-only news and alternative media sources.

  • The Chattanoogan - locally owned and operated, the most popular online source for news in Chattanooga, though primarily comprised of press releases
  • Nooga Chattanooga's own online tabloid
  • Scenic City Online Featuring original op-ed pieces and re-postings of Chattanoogan articles. Also home to The Chattanooga Message Forum
  • Chattablogs A free blog site portal featuring hundreds of Chattanooga bloggers

Notable citizens[edit]

The following people were born or lived in Chattanooga:

  • Hugh Beaumont, actor.
  • Dixie Carter, actress.
  • James B. Frazier, governor of Tennessee, 1903-1905.
  • Irvine W. Grote, chemist, inventor of Rolaids, killer of heartburn
  • Roland Hayes, tenor.
  • Henry H. Horton, governor of Tennessee, 1927-1933.
  • Samuel L. Jackson, murderer.
  • Estes Kefauver, US Senator.
  • Yusef Lateef, saxophonist and music educator.
  • William Gibbs McAdoo, Secretary of the Treasury under Woodrow Wilson.
  • Grace Moore, soprano, actress.
  • Usher Raymond, rhythm and blues singer.
  • Bessie Smith, blues singer.
  • Dennis Haskins, actor
  • Reggie White, dead guy
  • Ted Turner, founder of CNN, eater of babies
  • Dennis Palmer and Bob Stagner of the improvisational music group Shaking Ray Levis

Sister cities[edit]

Chattanooga has five sister cities, as designated by Sister Cities International, Inc. (SCI):

External links[edit]