“Just british niggas!”
“Just american chavs!”
“Degenerate thugs as niggas!”
The Chav, or Burberry Trogladyte (to use the correct anthropological phrase), is a subspecies of the human race that has become unfortunately far too common, as they breed like rabbits. These creatures are easily distinguishable; they tend gather in groups in towns, particularly shopping precincts, they talk some kind of bastard dialect of their own devising, the most important words being 'innit', 'bruv' and 'bare'. Several variants of this have been identified and most contain elements of black American culture. This is in spite of the fact that there is no evidence that any chav has ever figured out how to cross the Atlantic, except in the Great Chav Drowning of 1920, in which some of them washed up in New York but were supposedly lynched upon arrival. They tend to wear Adidas or Nike sports gear with white trainers and have baseball caps - frequently Burberry - permanently welded onto their heads at birth.
As well as the above traits, chavs somehow manage to completely destroy the concept of Natural Selection. If the world wasn't so fucked up chavs would have died out a LONG time ago due to every single one sharing the same degree of extreme retardation. A terrorist attack is being planned on the Stella Artois and White Lightning plants to dump shit loads of Digitalis into the supply of each drink so chavs will be exterminating themselves every time they send their mum to go buy their booze.
The Lesser Spotted Chav
A young chav (11-13 years old), who has just recently hit puberty, is identifiable by its outbreak of pussy carbuncles all over its face. Despite their diminutive stature, the Lesser Spotted chav is in fact virtually indistinguishable from the common chav. This has led many prominent scientists to believe (falsely – see ‘mating habits’) that chavs do not breed, but in fact split down the middle like amoebas. Mitosis reproduction in a chav has yet to be seen in an environment outside of Wigan.
The chav can be found most commonly in council estates; run-down areas in good need of a decent fire bombing. The chav will return to these at night to sleep, but spends most of its time in town with fellow chavs. George Bush was briefly in the process of organising plans for a mass demolition of the council house gulags at Tony Blair's request. Unfortunately, he realised that he didn't know what a chav was, and resumed eating his waffles.
The County of Hampshire in southern England contains a surprising numbers of chavs, possibly due to the fact that Basingrad, the birthplace of Burberry and chav culture, is in Hampshire. The town of Birmingham in Warwickshire is also heavily populated with chavs. According to Professor Possit of Birmingham University, Birmingham chavs are a significantly different subspecies classified by him as "Intimidatus Unemployedeus Rex". By contrast, Professor Smitten of Liverpool University has claimed that the "Intimidatus" subspecies is indeed common in many conurbations throughout the United Kingdom. In recent years, the chav colonies of Newport have steadily migrated to the town of Monmouth, where it is currently undergoing a siege.
Unlike their closest evolutionary ancestor, the Ape, fresh water is unrequired for the survival of a chav; indeed the feel of fresh water coming into contact with their skin will often aggravate them to no end. The Lesser Spotted chav will make do on Coca Cola and other fizzy soft drinks, although they have been known, on occasion, to unsuccessfully attempt to buy alcohol from off-licence vendors. The adult, male chav will usually content themselves drinking a cheap, mass-produced lager. The female chav, in an effort to look sophisticated to a potential mate, will usually drink Bacardi Breezers or a similar brand of alcopop. Sadly, this merely makes the female chav look more despicable to any other subspecies of the human race. Clinical trials indicate that cross-breeding between the chav and any other human subspecies has so far been unsuccessful.
The mating rituals of the male chav have become a subject of fascination to scientists and spectators alike. Firstly, the chav will attempt to ‘pimp himself up’, by adorning himself with his most expensive Burberry shirt, Burberry baseball cap and a Nike man-bag. He will then decorate himself with either fake gold jewellery or his prized Elizabeth Duke chain, known as "bling bling" – female chavs share genetic traits with magpies (and varying farm yard animals) and are attracted to shiny objects. He will then smother his hair with hair gel. The reasoning for this act is unknown – it does not have any aesthetic advantage, indeed quite the reverse. A beguiling theorem is that female chavs, on observing the excessive amount of grease in the male chav’s hair, will assume that he must be ‘loaded’ to use so much of a precious commodity, and thus become more attracted to him owing to his falsly-percieved social status. He will then proceed to a gathering spot such as a pub or a bar, and attempt to attract females by drinking, dancing and trying to start fights which he will invariably lose.
When the reproductive urge is upon her (between around the ages of 8-12) and she is in heat, the female chav will naturally look for a mate – not a long term mate, but effectively a sperm donor. She will therefore ‘slag’ herself: This means putting on more make-up than a clown uses through its life, squeezing into a strapless top 2 sizes too small for her, and putting on a miniskirt that will best exhibit her pelvic regions without breaking any national laws. She will shower herself in cheap perfume, brush her hair tight to the back of her head, and once fully attired will sort to a gathering spot. Upon finding a suitable mate she will ‘come on to him’, allow him to cop a feel and get a few free drinks off him before suggesting the alley behind the pub as a suitable place to consummate. The female chav will repeat this ritual several times during the same night to ensure the maximum possibility of impregnation. It should be noted that female chavs do not consider having babies as a method of the continuation of their race, but view it as a competition between other females. The chavette who manages to successfully claim the most money off the Labour's benefit system, will be entitled to higher social status than the ones who only managed to claim benefits for a paltry amount of five children.
“Philfy Phat Chavses!”
Very few chavs have bothered to evolve into a stage where they are capable of undertaking paid work (see McDonalds); the reasoning being that they are remarkably financially acute and have long since realised that the government will pay them to lie around at home. Subsequently, chavs have an unbridled amount of free time on their hands. This will usually be spent by congregating at Home Depot in groups, or ‘crews’ as they are colloquially referred to, in an attempt to emulate African-American culture, despite the fact that they are white. As an effect of this, chavs will labour under the misapprehension that they are ‘gangsta’, as well as the bizarre notion that they are the ‘children of the ghetto’.
Contrary to their public image, chav gangs are usually quite docile when they appear. Besides the odd elder chav (often racist skin-heads masquerading as chavs), they do not have the courage to start a fight with a random bystander, let alone the guts to try and win one. Chavs can actually display some signs of social cohesion. For example, every once in a while, chavs will gather at a predetermined spot at night to show off their modes of transportatio; generally 20 year old Golfs or Vauxhall Chavelliers. Inspired by chav Lord Westwood's TV show Pimp My Ride, many chavs choose to ritualistically decorate their cars with vinyl, decals and body kits in the belief that this will improve a car's handling and engine capabilities. Sadly, mechanics and people who are knowledgable in motor vehichles will ridicule a chav owning £1000 car with £2000 worth of essentially useless modifications. When feeling competitive or wanting to gain alpha male status in the pack, they may even attempt to race each other. Some chavs can even be seen attempting to perform drifts in large fields and supermarket car parks.
All typical Chavs can be found out drinking by 11:00am, with Carlsberg or WKD serving as their primary breakfast beverage. The average Chav will consume around 14 - 44 units of alcohol a day to increase the chance of conception. Chavs are often seen socialising at the local park, terrorising small children, or loitering by the newsagent, with no intention to buy anything. If you are lucky enough, you may see one in or around Tesco. The chav's occurence in Tesco is possibly attributable to him being mistaken for a homeless person and being given money by a passerby. Either that, or he is about to steal some DVD players. Chavs are also rumoured to be fond of gang rape.
Chavs are often found riding stolen cars from the 80's round in circles on council estates or other residential areas, usually late at night (chavs fear the sunlight), sometimes using their 'pimped out ride' to burn rubber. This releases a large cloud of smoke, which groups of Chavs have been seen to run into after the car has departed, and then jump around, flapping their arms around. It is unknown why the Chav performs this action, however it is believed to either be a mating ritual or call, an attempt to look hard, or an attempt to get high.
A Chav's main mode of transportation is a Vauxhall Nova. Today, all Vauxhall Novas are bought by Chavs and they are rarely seen in their original factory condition. The reason of the use of Novas is unknown but chavologists believe it is because they are cheap, ugly and have enough passenger space for their pregnant 14 year old girl friend, £50,000 worth of heroin and a sub woofer typically seen in movie theaters and rap concerts. The Vauxhall Nova, although crap, is quite resilient to the constant vibrations of a 1000w sub woofer. A chav will often attempt to modify his car in an attempt to improve it and impress other chavs. Such modifications include:
- Huge exhausts that let out a deep noise letting everyone in a 20 mile radius know the car is running
- Blue lights attached EVERYWHERE
- Stickers of such car performance companies like K&N, Greddy and the like (no performance modifications installed)
- Ugly body kits that do not last long as they are so low to the floor they get caught on speed bumps and slight hills
Vauxhall novas will typically be seen at 3am in asda car parks blasting out music and doing handbrake turns. They are also seen at traffic lights attempting to race cars that clearly have a much more power. The other drive can sometimes win these races without knowing that they are participating in one, since the nova typically has the same horsepower as the average electric toothbrush.
Chav music is a delicate blend of monotonous bass and rudimentary keyboard synths artfully combined by unemployed 'spics' under the influence of poppers and vodka. The music is usually imported by a skinny pikey in a van who sells it to other chavs from the boot of his Ford Fiesta. This music is
only ever played inside of their cars now heard in every single bar and club in every single city in England, and is "never loud enough" until the exterior masonry begins to vibrate.
In order to appreciate the genius of the genre, fill your two-door hatchback with at least five inebriated school children in the back and as many chavs as you can fit in the space between the passenger seat and the handbrake. Adjust your seat to be as far back and as low as possible, then relax in style as your mates hang out of the window whistling at schoolgirls, safe in the comfort that you look proper 'mint'.
In the same way that insect colonies have Queens, chavs have celebrities; other chavs who have paradoxically achieved success. The so called ‘King and Queen of Chavdom’ are David and Victoria Beckham, the former a football player, and the latter a once successful singer until her group broke up and everyone realised her singing capabilities only sounded good when she was drowned out by four other chavettes.
There are other celebs; Wayne Rooney is a fresh-faced contender, seeking to usurp David Beckham from his Burberry throne. Almost every single FHM model has also sought to replace Victoria Beckham at one point or another. The high occurence of FHM models is most possibly due to the reverence of glamour models as the highest career path a chavette can aspire to. Most notably Katie Price (a.k.a Jordan).
The misguided belief that chavs have something to look up to in these degenerates of humanity, these genetic cul-de-sacs, these equivalents of urine in the gene pool is indeed laudable, or it would be if it weren’t so tragic. Chavs also worship every Big Brother housemate (except Derek, and especially Jade Goody).
Of great debate to chav scholars (chavs who CAN read), is whether Lord Tim Westwood could be considered a chav celeb. Admittedly, he wears burberry and creates repetitive hip hop music. But whether his belief that he is black is so strong that it actually renders him an African-American rather than a Wigger, is a main point of contention with chav philosophers.
Whilst it may seem paradoxical for the chav to receive an education, one has to acknowledge their futile attempts to become more educated. They can often be seen "studying" sport courses, especially the BTEC variety.
Predators and Enemies
“Where's my gun?”
The natural enemy of the chav is the police officer or the ‘LAPD’ as the chavs colloquially use in reference to the British police force. Chavs are in effect a group of stupid, nihilistic anarchists, and their society has not yet evolved sufficiently to understand the need for Law and Order. Hence, they find it physically impossible to accept that they have done anything wrong when they are dragged off to jail on a Saturday night for smashing a bottle in someone’s face. Scientists believe this might have been what civilisation was like on Earth 300,000 years ago, before intelligent life developed.
Another natural enemy of the chav is anyone with money, most likely as a result of their own feelings of inadequacy and lack of self worth. The third enemy of the chav is purportedly the punk. There are reports which still remain unverified, that the ancient punk rockers would nourish themselves from the blood of young chavs.
Another enemy of the chav is the foreigner; chavs are intensely jingoistic and when they go on holiday will only stay in British holiday resorts to prevent contact with any foreigners. Indeed, the chav can go to Spain and never be exposed to a single word of Spanish for the duration of their trip.
The most deadly of the enemys of the chav is the Bus Stop, chavs feel that by smashing up these Bus stops, they will be honoured by society with an ASBO, a medal that commands respect in the chav underworld. There has yet to be a bus stop that has not been smashed, pissed on, bottled, set on fire, rammed, exploded, radiated, or eaten by a chav.
Chavs also have a vitriolic hatred of the Middle classes due to the fact they lord over them and have better weapons than them. They often end up fighting each other in major riots with the chavs losing almost every time. After being killed, chavs are then mocked with a satirical article published in the Daily Mail the next day.
Chavs and the Lotto
Chavs are becoming more and more accustomed to the lottery due to a fellow member of the club winning over £9 million. A revolution in chav society is changing as they are now finding small jobs to earn enough money to buy at least 2 lottery tickets a week. However, the consequences of losing are far greater than before. Chavs are now taking out their anger at losing on small corner shop and newsagency owners.
Attacks on ice cream van drivers have begun to rise too, especially on Saturday nights. They are also known to "nick" Lottery tickets from newsagents thinking they've exponentially increased their chances of winning. Little do they know that not only have they not entered the Lottery, but they have made a complete and utter fool of themselves in the process, seeing as Lottery tickets are pieces of paper left laying around shops which can be taken without any need for any transference of currency whatsoever.
Love for Jeremy Kyle
All chavs love and worship the self-appointed 'TV hero', Jeremy Kyle. They regularly apply to be abused on the show and keep applying until they do so. If they are not invited to appear, they threaten to sue ITV for £50.94 (A week on jobseeker's allowance; a phenomenal amount of money to the chavs) and burn down the television studio. Chavs who are considered degenerative enough to be on the show spend most of their time talking about their adventures exploiting the benefits system, impregnating fellow council-house estate members, and being heavily dependent on drugs and alcohol.
The Chav Language
“Oh my god so I was talkin' to Stacey today right, and she was like oh my god, and I was like oh my god what is it baybz and she was like oh my god I'm preggerz and I was like oh my god no way baybz, innit, so like, how long have you been preggerz and she was like I dunno mate, I was just in Maccy-Ds and this guy was like nice one on avin' a baby innit, and I was like oh my god SHADDAP, I ain't 'avin no baby or nuffin so you can just like SHADDAP but then I took this preggo-test what you take when you 'avin a baby, an' I was avin' a baby an' then I came over 'ere to tell you, init! And then I was like, oh my god you total skank.”
If you have ever had the pleasure of talking to a chav on MSN, Bebo, Myspace or anything else children and semi-illiterate people are into, you will know full well that it is a confusing and gruelling task to complete.
First and foremost, they never succeed in saying a complete sentence. If they wish to know how you are feeling, they will use the two letters "uk?" which can be most confusing for the MSN beginner, as they may believe the chav is enquiring as to whether or not they are currently in the UK.
Even though it sounds Incoherent enough to be a Different Language, Chavs Actually Speak an extremely Borked Version of English. Some Chav scavengers slowly learn other languages, Most likely Welsh, Cockney, Scouse or Txt spk, Depending on where they have decided to rent a flat room.
The female chav seems to enjoy referring to others as "baybz",(pronounced babes) as does the male chav when trying to get someone of the opposite sex to come for a ride in his "flash motor." They all seem to prefer the use of numbers over traditional letters. This is said to be due to the fact numbers do not come in both capital and lower case form, so they are easier to remember. When a chav must resort to actually using letters, they generally put a capital letter at the beginning of every word just to make sure, and don't actually have to remember when they should be used.
However, after 4 generations of Incest and English that would make even the most unprepared immigrant cry, in 2016 David Cameron declared all Chav variations of english where turned into one official language called Chavspk. It spread rapidly in Mediocre Britain and soon replaced Txt spk as not only the most recognised language in Britain, but soon replaced english as the compulsory education language of Britain.
The 'X' key on the chavs keyboards is generally worn out because of putting it after every sentence ever used. It is assumable that they do not realise that if their conversation was in person, the person opposite them would be covered in the chavette's bright red lipstick. It is recommendable to avoid adding someone under the category of chav on any social online networking system.
An example of a typical MSN conversation between a chavette and a legitimate human being:
<pre.raw style="border: 0px;">
- Chavette: Hey Baybz uk xxx
- Person: uk? oh, i get it! yep, i'm fine thanks. you?
- Chavete: f9 Fanx Baybz Wubu2 xxx
- Person: huh?
- Chavette: Loolz Nm Aint Got Nufin Too Doo Lmao xxx
- Person: oh... er, good. so how's your sister?
- Chavette: She Such A Fukin Bitch Mayyteee An She Sed She Preggaz Agen xxx
- Person: um, ok. isn't your sister 12?
- Chavette: Yea An She Only Got Lyyk Wun Kid Lool Wot A Tard
- Person: what?!
- Chavette: Omdzzz Yooh No Kayla Tbh She A Fukin Stunnah Mayyteee An She
Gave Hed To Dat Mingaa Dave But Hes A Geek Wtf Y She Do Dat He Mingin Mayyteee xxx
- Person: he's my friend actually
- Chavette: Aaaaah Yooh Gona Get Propaa Merkd Now Mayyteee Tbh I
Fukin Hate Yooh Y Yooh Bein Mayytees Wiff Dave He A Fukin Mong xxx
- Person: ok, i have no fucking idea what the hell you're saying, so i'm leaving this conversation now
* Person leaves conversation *
- Chavette: Ok Baybz Luffooo! xxx
Chavs are, in fact, parasites, leeching off society to feed their lecherous habits and providing nothing but detriment in return. Therefore, a modest proposal for a practical solution is the immediate sterilisation of all chavs. We will keep a small colony for breeding; after all, we do need some in order to keep supermarkets going, although truth be told foreign imports are better, but the vast majority will be made infertile and allowed to die off. Those who remain will be sub-categorised into ‘slaves’, and will perform all menial tasks in return for a dingy council flat and basic feeding – two meals a day, at least one containing meat, or at least something described as such on the packet. In doing this we can not only purify humanity but also remove the need for unemployment benefit. With no unemployment, crime rates will fall, cities will become Utopias, Atlas will shrug and humanity will evolve beyond its wildest dreams. There is also the theory that due to the lesser quality of their fake barberry, come the winter season the chavs will lack the necessary insulation and die. This theory however has not been tested, and the current guidelines for chav control involve the use of a high powered rifle.
The Scotland Plan
The Scotland Plan involves moving all chavs to the filthy wasteland known as Scotland (especially Glasgow). This is to be done by cutting-off the main means of survival for the common chav. All Argos, JJB Sports, Somerfield, McDonalds and Halfords stores will be moved to Scotland along with all known supplies of White Lightening and Stella Artois. The chav will therefore be starved of resources and forced to migrate in their chavmobiles to Scotland along with their numerous bastard children. At this point, Hadrian's Wall is to be expanded so that it is 40 metres high and electrified. All ports, airports and golf carts will be destroyed so that there is no possible way for the chavs (or any other Scots) to return. The chav society will grow anarchic and chaotic since they will have no superior society to leech off, eventually dying horrible and painful deaths.
The England Plan
As of June 2009, plans for a special chax, or chav tax, has been proposed. For more, see the section on "Taxes outside Amerika" in Tax.