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“They kill vampires in Philadelphia

~ Tamia
Famous statue of Rocky Balboa eating a cheesesteak.

The Cheesesteak is one of the famed delicacies of Philadelphia, along with Tastykakes. A properly made cheesesteak consists of thinly sliced meat (make sure there's nothing crawling in it) and melted cheese, all on a foot shaped roll. Theorists believe because it tastes so irresistibly delicious, it is impossible to leave Philly without eating one unless you're Amish or suicidal. Even Jesus can't resist their amazing goodness! Outside of Philadelphia, it is called the Philly Cheesesteak, Philadelphia Cheese Steak Sandwich, or Da Steak n' Cheese Sandwich of Philadelphia Hoagie, just to sound cool and hide the fact that it definitely isn't a real cheesesteak.


The first cheesesteak was created in Philadelphia by an Italian American named Tony Massimo in the 1920's. At the age of 14, sick of his mom fixing nothing but pizza and pasta for every single meal, he took up the martial art of cooking. His other food inventions such as water lice and olive juice didn't turn out well, but the steak sandwich became a huge phenomenon. When Tony's friends found out about his cooking, they laughed at him for acting like a homosexual. Soon, they were no longer laughing, since they realized their moms also fixed nothing but Italian crap for every single meal, and his friends wanted him to cook for them too. As years passed, facing pressure and threat of a lawsuit from cheeseaholics, Tony started to add cheese to the steak sandwich, creating the cheesesteak. He opened up a restaurant called "Massimo's Steaks" to sell the cheesesteaks at, and for years had the most lucrative business in South Philadelphia.

Obesity Controversy[edit]

By 1974, the cheesesteak accounted for 82% of Philadelphia's cases of obesity, and 93% of Philadelphia's heart attacks. The city passed a law to close down all cheesesteak selling shops in Philadelphia, except for the one inside City Hall. The ban was uplifted a month later, when an angry mob marched to City Hall and ransacked the cheesesteak store in City Hall, resulting in the mayor getting cheesesteak withdrawal symptoms.

Opium Scandal[edit]

In 1989, a Philadelphia Chinatown restaurant started selling cheesesteaks with opium. In response to being demanded to stop selling the opium cheesesteaks, Chinatown started an Opium War. Chinatown, with the help of ninjas and Bengal tigers, proceeded to annex most of the city-states of Philadelphia, including Kensington and Germantown. Philadelphia responded by launching the West Philadelphia offensive, in which it paid Nigerians to scam Chinatown out of all its money. Forced to surrender, Chinatown retreated to its present day boundaries.


Mmmmmm! It looks so tasty! I'll bet that cow doesn't even know it's about to be butchered!


Not to be confused with lead, bread is used because of its abundance in Philadelphia. Because of all of the bread, Philadelphia is often considered to be in the "breadtrashcan" region of the United States. Bread must be foot-shaped and of top quality. Bread should also be slightly stale to add a delicious, crunchy texture.


Animals make everything taste better, including cheesesteaks. Cows, which are regularly imported to Philadelphia on slave ships, give restaurants an abundant supply of beef. Beef should be fattening and flavorful, to ensure the maximum risk of suffocation. Sometimes, other animal meat may be used instead of beef, such as horse meat or rabbit meat.


By also includng cheese, Philadelphians ensure that cows suffer as much as possible from the making of cheesesteaks. Common cheeses used are provolone and Amerikan cheese, but the use of Cheez Whiz has also become acceptable. Cheez Whiz is a liquified mix of asparagus and lemons, and is popular among die hard cheesesteak fanatics.


Whether put there by accident or on purpose, drugs make everything taste better. Even though drugs are illegal, Philadelphia police won't mind since they earn more money for issuing traffic tickets than catching drug abusers. Common drugs put in cheesesteaks are medication, sleeping pills, steroids, spices, and coke. Your breakfast cereal has hidden drugs in it and you may not even know it!

Where to get a cheesesteak[edit]

Pat's King of Steaks and Geno's Steaks are sweat shops in South Philadelphia, which are famous for their cheesesteaks. Their cheesesteaks are especially delicious from the added taste of dirt and tears. Many locals, opposed to the inhumane labor, claim other hoagie shops to have the best cheesesteaks, such as the Philadelphia Zoo. There are also decent places to get cheesesteaks in Philadelphia suburbs, due to the temporary, yet controversial cheesesteak ban of 1974, however they suffer in quality due to the lack of Italian immigrants. Despite the abundance of cheesesteaks in the Philadelphia area, it is impossible for cheesesteaks to be made elsewhere due to the lack of love. Since it is only possible to get a cheesesteak in Philadelphia or its suburbs, restaurants in the rest of the United States serve imitation cheesesteaks. These are usually made out of paper or plastic, depending on whichever's cheaper, but modern technology may make holographic cheesesteaks finally possible.

How to properly order a cheesesteak[edit]

John Kerry demonstrates how NOT to eat a cheesesteak.

Even though ordering a cheesesteak comes natural for Philadelphians, non-Philadelphians may find it excessively difficult, but anyone can learn how to properly order a cheesesteak. The biggest mistake many New Yorkers make is accidentally mispronouncing cheesesteak as cheesecake, which results in a random man named Giacomo giving them directions to the nearest Olive Garden in rapid Italian.

Learn the language[edit]

  • If the employees hear you speak one word of Spanish, you will be deported back to Los Angeles Mexico where you belong!!!
  • If you just got deported, don't worry since there's a small hole in the border fence you can crawl back through.
  • You may think you know English, but to order a cheesesteak, you need to speak like a Philadelphian. Start by learning to say "wooder" instead of "water".
  • Next, start saying "iggle" instead of "eagle" and "biggle" instead of "beagle". South Philadelphians get physical if you can't pronounce the name of the city's football team right!
  • Say "cawfee" instead of "coffee" and "wit" instead of "with". Philadelphians are too lazy to pronounce all those extra letters.

Deciding what toppings you want "wit" your steak[edit]

  • If you pause for longer than 3 seconds to decide what toppings you want, don't worry. Just go to the back of the line and start over again.
  • The important part is the cheese. If you're a cheesesteak veteran, you know what "cheez whiz" is. If not, just go to the back of the line and start over again.
  • Just decide already whether you want onions or not! It's not like you're making a marriage proposal or anything! If you can't decide, just go to the back of the line and start over again.
  • There may be other topping choices you may not expect, but don't be overwhelmed. If you need more time, just go to the back of the line and start over again.
  • If you pause for longer than 3 seconds to decide what toppings you want, don't worry. Just go to the back of the line and start over again. Aren't Philadelphians friendly?

Variations of cheesesteaks[edit]

Anti-cheesesteak- Anti-cheesesteaks have the amazing ability to defy gravity and logic. Their existence can only be explained by the "anti-cheesesteak postulate".

Barbeque cheesesteak- This is basically a cheesesteak with barbeque sauce and some hidden marijuana smothered onto it.

Cheesecake cheesesteak- Have you ever accidentally ordered a cheesecake at a restaurant when you wanted a cheesesteak or vice versa? Well, now you get both in one.

Cheesesteak hoagie- Oh yeah! Two great things in one! This is different from a normal cheesesteak since it also has lettuce, tomatoes, and other fattening things usually found in hoagies. This cheesesteak is especially tasteful, and especially prone to cause heart attacks.

Chicken cheesesteak- Chicken cheesesteaks are extremely popular among Hindus and cowphobiacs.

Vegetarian cheesesteak- What? A vegetarian cheesesteak? That's a contradiction in itself! What next, non-vegetarian vegetables or a vegetable rights group?

Famous people to eat cheesesteaks[edit]

Bill Clinton- While on his campaign trail, Bill Clinton ate a cheesesteak in a publicity stunt. Ever since then, he has developed more of a love affair for cheesesteaks than that bitch.

Barack Obama- Inspired by Bill's publicity stunt, Obama found a shop in South Philly that makes halal cheesesteaks. The cheesesteak was so delicious, he now worships cheesesteaks.

Donovan McNabb- He eats cheesesteaks before every single Philadelphia Eagles home game, just because it "tastes good".

Ed Rendell- Former mayor of Philadelphia and current governor of Pennsylvania, he is also Pennsylvania's official cheesesteak inspector and official critiquer of the Eagles.

John Madden- John Madden just loves Philadelphia, and can you guess why? Because of the cheesesteaks! Madden can eat 10 cheesesteaks in a row and still have room to fit a bucket of fries.

Chuck E. Cheese- When he's not scaring little kids, he's busy scaring customers trying to order cheesesteaks. He is notorious for stalking people and his constant, off pitch singing.

Will Smith- West Philadelphia hoagie born and raised, on the playground he used to spend most his time dazed, he used to eat cheesesteaks after pickup games, after snortin' some coke up in West Oak Lane.

See also[edit]