“So after the double bond opens, the hydrogen attaches here. Then the chain inverts and... wait, the Bromine atom comes in, and THEN the chain inverts. Wait a minute, what the hell is that thing? Maybe the methyl group shifted? No, wait, that was a hydride. Wait a minute, I have TWO Bromines? But then the steric strain is - wait, I, uh, I mean torsional strain. So, uh, I guess that means... uh... SCREW IT, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.”
“Chemists who falls into acid gets absorbed into work.”
Chemistry (aka the science that matters, a reference for the rest of us.) is the science of blowing shit up, and was first invented by Sir Francis Chemistry, in 1625, along with stockings for men, bikini waxing and the electric centipede. Chemistry derived from the science of cooking. The first modern chemist was Alfred Nobel, whose edible dynamite (an early and futile design) started the whole discipline. Even today, though modern chemistry is considered a branch of alchemy (the science of randomly mixing anything together, like cats and cheese sandwiches, in the vain hope of making the element of Gold, or even better, the fabled element of Surprise), much of chemistry taught in schools is simply cooking (with explosive cats) and some older text books even refer to the subject as 'ye olde theoreticale cookinge'. Some experts, however, disagree, as recorded in the famous 847CE publication of Phlogging the Phlogiston, by Marcus Arrhenius Berzelius, famed Stoic and composer of the Classical classic Harold in Italy. These experts argue that, in fact, Chemistry is not about alchemy at all [i.e.; nascent chemistry] at all, but instead a somewhat clumsy reference to masturbation and surprise sex, or, as the French put it, le seul sexe que je vais avoir ce soir. Since it's French, no one really cares anyway. Chemistry made huge advances when Steven Spielberg noted that movies containing big booms did better in the box office than movies with small booms or none at all. After some initial success along these lines, chemistry became the subject of an unsuccessful hostile takeover bid by Physics. It must be noted, however, that although Chemistry provides far more ways, especially for the amateur pickup truck driver, to blow things up, Physics stuck it in poor Chemistry's eye with its accomplishments at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
The first chemistry concepts were thought of by a group of greek dipshits. However, the general public was so offended by the idea that everything could be broken down into smaller particles that high emperor Maximus Ur Mother Smells Like Old Eggs Deus ordered that they be decapitated for being so damn smart. Well I guess that says it all, they really did know how to deal with the nerds in those days. Consequently, the idea wasn't 'reinvented' until the early 1400's by a mongol. Unfortunately, the concept of particles was all too much excitment for Bong Gong, and he had a stroke. Later that year, Jesus figured the concept out, and came down from the heavens to visit with Queen Elizabeth MDCCCLXXXVIII. Unfortunately by the time he arrived, he had forgoten what he came down for in the first place and made his was back to the pearly gates. Finally, in 1872, spanishman Seur De Skia Bea Fallin wrote down the concept, and so the knowledge was passed on from one geek to the next. Unfortunately, this was all too much for the Greeks, and many couldn't control themselves, killing off the masses of nerds. They had to be detained by tazers, and sent to Quantanamo Bay afterwards to ensure that the human species, Homo Nedus was preserved. And so the concept was found.
Branches of Chemistry
Physics of molecules and chemicals explained by chemists because physicists don't understand the Schrodingers equation besides reciting the eqation. Their other main task is trying to explain to other chemists why their reaction formed a brown goo and what caused that explosion without considering the obvious of the instructions were wrong. Their additional work includes building way cool laser guns.
There is a shunned sub branch of this called electrochemistry which is mainly concerned with licking batteries and making batteries eventually strong enough and publically avaliable enough to kill any-one else who licks batteries.
They are also a bunch of Weirdos.
“They do stuff with metal. I don't understand it.”
This is the study of either what metal works best on a pipe organ; how human hearts and brains are affected by acid; or the chemistry of actually making stuff. Most organic chemists when presented with a recipe will ignore it entirely on the grounds that it look like it was written by a physical chemist; Organic chemists and Physical chemists should never be left in the same room together, especially not labs, as both can explain how something happens and neither way actually agrees with the other. The main task of Organic chemists is to make bits of stuff to give to biologists to play with to see if it actually was worth making, or to spend as much time and money as possible developing inherently useless molecules simply to have other organic chemists tell them that they could have done it better.
Environmental chemists are too lazy to actually study Physical chemistry and as such prefer to intake their chemicals physically instead, all the time walking round telling people how to live greener because it means they can then use more power and waste more.
Please refer to "Pre-med".
Study of what chemicals make the best explosions and what other effects they have all to allow various special forces groups world wide to finally find a flash bang grenade that also causes people to shit themselves thus making it easier to take them down.
People studying Analytical chemistry are often kept as pets by other chemists due to their unique nature to operate machines built by physical chemists who are too lazy to write manuals for them and too complex and fiddly for other chemists to bother with. Due to working said machines most Analytical chemists develop a stoop,as Physical chemists find it funny to place buttons randomly on the machines in obscure spots; they also develop an aversion to light, due to being in dark rooms where said machines are kept and finally they develop irritability as the machines have the humorous extra feature of wiping electronic data from debit / credit cards and mobile phones, this often means when Analytical chemists aren't being Anal about forms other chemists need to do and they have finally got a cash from their account somehow they only normally hang out with other analytical chemists due to never having any friends in their phone. Their main job is to act as slaves for all other chemists.
Recent Groundbreaking Discoveries in Chemistry
Just a short time ago, chemists at Oxford University became aware of a new form of boding interactions which they deemed 'higher metal covalence.' The first compound demonstrating higher metal covalence was actually created on accident when somebody exposed argon gas to liquid selenium. The reaction that followed yielded Arsenic Selenide.
Ar + Se --> ArSe
After looking into this phenomena, they were able to recreate the same higher metal covalence by the addition of solid potassium to iron (but solely in the presence of carbon dioxide gas). The reaction must be performed in pressures exceeding 3000 PSI. The reaction is as follows:
Fe + CO2 + K --> FeCK + O2
These two compounds, ArSe and FeCK, were revolutionary discoveries, and their discoveries were celebrated across the United Kingdom. American scientists, looking to join in on the fun, sought to expand the new covalence theories to include radioactive elements. Through the addition of uranium and dioxygen to the FeCK compound, the electron-rich carbon could be separated from the iron atom and could then be bonded to the uranium atom. Fluorine was later added for stability. The multi-step reaction is as follows:
Fe + CO2 + K --> FeCK + O2
FeCK + O2 + U --> UCK + FeO2
UCK + F2 --> FUCK + F. (But nobody gives a shit about the leftover fluorine radical.)
Finally, the theory was expanded to the synthetic element technetium, Tc. When chemists figured out they could include technetium into the new theory, they had a freaking field day. After the hydrogenation of technetium, the formed compound TcH was found to bond with higher metal covalence to bismuth. The reaction is as follows:
Tc + H2 --> TcH + H. (But, again, nobody gives a shit about the leftover radical.)
Bi + TcH --> BiTcH
The next project on which some laboratories are embarking is an attempt at combining FeCK and FUCK while using BiTcH as a catalyst. But the path toward the new compound won't be an easy one. An Oxford scientist was quoted as saying, "Attempting to create the BiTcH-catalyzed FeCK-FUCK complex is going to be a real feckin' bitch."
Rules of the lab
Due to the high explosion content in chemistry labs, chemists have a strict set of rules that must be adhered to while in the lab.
- Don't wash your hands until after you have stuck them in your mouth
- Wear your labcoat properly. Leave the top two buttons open, and all the boys will want to have sex with you. (This applies for both genders)
- Any combination of acids and bases which is then evaporated will always result in a salt. However, this does not mean that your chemistry teacher will not force you to repeat similar experiments dozens of times.
- If you see a clear liquid in a beaker, it is obviously vodka. Drink up.
- If you don't know what you are doing, do it anyway.
- Avogadro's number works for everything - it's magic!
- When in doubt, convert everything to moles.
- If you can not convert to moles, convert everything into gophers.
- Alternately, convert everyone to Judaism.
- If you need a straight line plot, use only two data points. Or better yet, use one point and guess!
- When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
- Most chemicals can be distinguished by taste, or by huffing them.
- In case of prolonged exposure to water, treat exposed area with concentrated hydrofluoric acid, then rinse with sulfuric acid.
- Dry ice should be held firmly at all times, without gloves of any kind.
- Experiments must be reproducible. They should fail the same way each time.
- First draw your curves, then plot your data.
- Warning labels are for pussies.
- If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
- In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
- Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
- Liquid nitrogen is to be thrown at other people.
- The glasses and coat really do make you look awesome. Wear them to increase your sex appeal.
- The answer to number 2 is D.
- When unsure of what to do, just throw chemicals together until something explodes.
- Team work is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
- No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
- Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
- All unmarked beakers contain highly toxic, fast-acting poisons.
- If you hear an explosion, first check your pants.
- If you find something in your pants wash it out quickly with highly concentrated bleach to avoid the ridicule of other chemists.
- Look to political science or the church for help when you are stuck on a problem (good luck).
- After heating a substance, touch it to make sure it's cooled down.
- Do something stupid ONLY when the teacher is watching.
- Remember, open flames are the safest flames.
- For unknown substances, always rely on the three T's: touch, taste, and tequila.
- The only reason alcohol is an important experimental substance is because you are supposed to drink it, then experiment.
- Everything is better with big booms.
- Make sure to always change or make up data when they do not agree with your expectations.
- Always transfer chemicals using your mouth as a pipette.
- If you spill acid on the table, make sure to use your partner's lab coat to clean it up, preferably when they're not looking.
- The purpose of distilled water bottles is to squirt water at others.
- If you're not first, you're last.
- If you can't clean it, break it.
- If you can't break it, eat it.
- If you can't eat it, force someone else to eat it or light it on fire.
- If someone else won't eat it or else you can't light it on fire, say you discovered it and demand a reward.
- If someone discovers something new, steal their data. Plain and simple - they can't say they did it without proof, right?
- If you get over 100% yield sneeze until it's a reasonable weight.
- Don't let modesty make the injury worse, take off all your clothes.
- Mushroom clouds are not preferred; they are necessary.
- Try not to kill anyone. Unless you've found a clever, loud, chemically enhanced way of doing it. And the anatomy class is out of cats and frogs.
- But if you have to, at least make it look cool (preferrably explosive).
- Do not spill chemicals (until you have lit them on fire first).
- First make your data table then make your experiment validate it.
- Whenever possible, wear a gray, frizzly wig to make you look smarter during experiments. Adding a pair of glasses is even better.
- If it looks like you can make meth with it-chances are you can.
- Always tell the sluttiest girls in class that bunsen burners, when operational make great dildo's
- Before using a bunsen burner, always coat your hands with an alcohol-based hand sanitizer. You don't want your hands dirty during the experiment!
- Always have a scapegoat ready in case you get hungry during the experiment
- Always clean your hands with Hydrofluoric acid to remove traces of Basic substances
- If you get a basic substance in your eyes immediately flush it out with Copious amounts of a strong acid
- If you get a acidic substance in your eyes immediately flush it out with Copious amounts of a strong base
- Its always funny to put Cs in your lab partners pocket, especially if you "accidentally" spill HBr onto them.
- Remember that your professor is entirely composed of Cobalt, Carbon and Potassium. (CoCK)
- Partying is always acceptable in the Chemistry Laboratory (So long as you have notified the teacher, And it is after five.)
- If your yield is below 30% scrape some of the crap off the desk and add it to your compound to add to the weight.
- If you don't make the compound you wanted look round the lab and ask if there's any about, if not order some in and put it on the research budget.
- Add acid to water, never the other way around. Otherwise, it doesn't dissolve very well and becomes difficult to ingest.
Stuff you should do in chemistry lessons
- Throw up a LAN host of Slayer, Chill Out, first to 25, neutral host, on dell PC. Be sure to be playing even when the Good Dr. is behind you and can see your screen - he won't care.
- Steal people's weekend exercises.
- Mix every chemical in the lab into a pot and light it (if its not already on fire).
- Juggle large blocks of dry ice (you thought normal ice was hard).
- If short on blankets at your residence, the fire blankets are very comfortable and freely available.
- Cause as much random senseless destruction as possible, then blame the teacher.
- Show up with bags of fertilizer and diesel fuel and express an intense interest in government buildings (Science project???).
- Not satisfied with your grade? Report your teacher to your local counter-terrorist unit as a bomb maker.
- Still not happy your teacher was released 3 years later? Plant evidence and repeat.
- Create a forum account for your teacher on Al Jazeera's website just for kicks.
- Keep packets of artificial sweetener in your lab coat at all times. Every compound in organic chemistry is a white powder, and you never know when you will accidentally spill the chemical you were working with down your lab-partner's blouse.
- The varnish you receive is very useful when the girl(s) next to you is having her monthly period.
- Ask the teacher if you can thermite your old cell phone.
- If the teacher says that you cannot thermite your old cell phone, hit her head on the lab table and submerge it in acid.
- Or, failing that, too, convert everything to gophers.
- Use a scale to balance equations.
- When bored, drop a penny into a beaker of concentrated nitric acid.
- Never be afraid to experiment with new things (such as kittens, puppies, and your teacher's babies).
- Change a fellow pyromaniac friend's flowchart to include multiple, unnecessary flame tests.
- Make up your own data; for reference, say Nikola Tesla was your homeboy.
- Note, only do this if you're a first class swinger: have sex with your teacher. This will vary depending on your age, sex, your teacher's sex, etc. Though if your teacher seems fuckable, is good looking, and knows how to get down, it shouldn't be too hard to get the idea in there. Once you've made your move, be a little patient, and do something that you can build trust over (optional, you may blackmail him/her). Either way, having sex with them can't hurt your grade, now can it?
- Whenever making anything explosive and/or dangerous, always slip some into your teacher's bag. Then, proceed to make a mess; during the process, if you've become detained or questioned, plead the fifth and point at your teacher's bag. Case closed: you're out of trouble and you may get a new teacher!
- Ask your teacher if you can go to the washroom during an experiment. This way, you can sneak some experimental stuff with you and steal it.
- Question everything your teacher tells you; ask for specific proof and examples. If this doesn't drive him/her up the wall, your lab behavior should.
- Ask your female teacher if she's into double or triple bonding. If she says yes, YOU'RE GOOD TO GO!
- Make a bomb and destroy France.
- Steal a Bunsen burner and retail it - the value of these gas thingies are amazing!
- Secretly start a game of squares at the back of the room and when told to stop complain loudly.
- Use your 4 kg textbook as a weapon - face it, you'll never have any other use for it.
- Take some test tubes, proceed to use them as shotglasses.
- If the teacher doesn't explain it, they're a witch... Burn them.
- Remember, those squirt bottles of Acetone make great flamethrowers if you have a lighter.
- Smoke pot and say you're discovering a new organic compound.
- Never pour Nitric Acid down your old boy as this may lead to what is called Mal Bryant syndrome.
- When finished with chemicals, dispose of them properly,dump them all directly into the sink. the fish need to practice chemistry too!
- Steal the mercury out of the barometer and have fun with it, that's why it's there!
- Whenever you get the chance, stick that screwdriver in the plug and turn in on, just to see what happens.
- No running in the lab! But who gives a shit?
- Remember bunsen burners are not funny to mess around with. BRING IN THE NITROGEN!
- ACID+SUPLHUR+BUNSEN BURNER+TEACHER= LOT'S OF FUN FOR THE LESSON!
- Fill the bunsen burners with pencil sharpenings, then watch the pretty fire works when someone uses one.
- Drink the lab alcohols, they are pure so you'll get drunk on them much quicker than normal alcohol, so go on drink up.
- Swallow a pound of lithium, research has concluded it greatly improves memory.
- If in doubt, round to 0 significant figures.
Lab etiquette rules
- If someone wants to use your stuff make sure its in the most disgusting state possible and then tell them they can use it as long as they bring it back clean.
- If its in your cupboard, its yours.
- If its in some-one else's cupboard and you need it, then its also yours.
- If you're name is on it, then its yours to keep.
- If someone else's name is on it, Acetone removes the evidence it wasn't yours.
- Always transfer and measure out chemicals over someone else's lab book, this shows how competent you are at pouring chemicals and helps liven up other people's experiments.
- Labcoats are mostly said to be flame proof; This can be tested by dropping a lit match in your friend's pocket, especially if they have left important data and print-outs in said pocket. Or by spraying a small amount of Acetone on your own arm then lighting it.
- Labcoats are white so you can use them to drawn on, be immaginative.
- Ice is only to be used to put down other peopes backs or to leave melting in their lab coat pocket its a sign that you respect the person.
- Broken glassware, especially expensive items was the fault of the person on the next bench or the clamp being broken by someone else.
- Sneezing into a partner's experiments helps improve their yield.
As recognized by the Republican Party and the State of Texas, the elements of Mendeleev's Periodic Table:
Professional chemists working in the chemical weapons, insecticide, weedkiller and food industries have to synthesize new chemicals on a regular basis. This is done by first designing the chemical as a 'ball and stick model' (made from ping pong balls and Pocky), then shrinking thousands of these down to molecular size with a shrink ray beam (which chemists don't want to admit was made by those jolly chaps over in Physics). The individual atoms are assigned elemental values by painting them different colors.
- Some brave scientists are performing research to determine if chemistry itself mutates those who practice it. Such mutations include: purple skin, Infertility and erectile dysfunction, unicorn horns, significant increase in body fat, hair covering every inch of the body, and the scent of vinegar, onions, and corned beef combined.
- Scientists at the Miskatonic University for Deranged Caterpillars have recently begun research in to the uses of treacle in Chemistry. Reasoning that the fumes are probably explosive... or possibly this is just an excuse for more students to sniff treacle.
- George W. Bush is an expert in chemistry, and supports funding of peaceful chemical research, opposing the wholesale funneling of money into obscure DARPA projects.
- American Chemists are currently working on new weapons of mass destruction, which will later be used as evidence against Iraq.
- Dr Sham Ali of the institue of outdoor markets is currently working on producing Blue Tooth Technology for everything that exists and then some.
- research into making a portable custard bridge is under way for possible military applications
Example of an I(r)onic Equation
As3+ + Ta2- + B2- + Rd+ -> BAsTaRd
Arsenic forms with Tantalum, which fuses with Boron (and Radium is somehow involved) to make Boroarseneradotantalum, also known as Unobtainium.
Branches of chemistry include:
- Orgasmic chemistry, the study of mating (and entire orgies) of carbon atoms.
- Biochemistry, the study of carbon compounds that wiggle.
- Cognitive chemistry, the art of blowing up brain cells.
- People chemistry, to study which combinations of which people are explosive (see porn).
- Pharmaceutical chemistry, blowing up bank accounts of old and sick people.
- Agricultural chemistry, the art of using fertilizer to blow up government buildings.
- Cosmetic chemistry, how pretending you are a soap factory can lead to bulk nitroglycerine manufacturing.
- Hollywood science, the study of ignoring the fact that frozen orange juice concentrate and petrol is a waste of orange juice and petrol, not an easy way of making napalm.
- Quantum chemistry, how ethanol parties opposing normative curvature explode producing incoherence and incompetence.
- Reaction stoichiometry, the most diabolical thing ever invented, in which the laws of mathematics no longer apply, and everything you know is wrong.
- Theoretical Chemistry, blowing up stuff on a computer.
- Nuclear Erections, erecting substances like Hydrocarbonoxyium.
- Frankenstein Chemistry, the study of resurrection of the dead and making em' masturbate on electrodes.
- Chemical Esplosionology, the study of chemical explosives. Those in this field have identified Yoda as the inventor of Rdx.
- Mafubiism: the study of the god Mafubi and all his many forms. An all-encompassing term, it especially emphasizes explosions and death. And failure, as all Chemistry Gods must.
- Inorganic chemistry. Specifically designed tool to make the student discover the intricate and elite art of blaspheming.
- Physical chemsitry. For people who are truly too pussified to study actual Physics.
Problems With Chemistry
Chemistry is a science that suffers from TMGL Syndrome. This malady, Too Many Greek Letters, creates mass confusion to most readers, and unless you have spent approximately 2.1 days staring at the textbook, you will fail to comprehend what the hell your test means, stare at it blankly and cry inside, especially if you're missing sex. Research by the AYAF (Are You A Freak Ltd.) has shown that extended periods of exposure to chemistry can result in the shrinking of anatomy size, hair loss and severe bullying. Special cases include tumours growing on the hands shaped as suitcases and on the face shaped as spectacles. Also, condition known as 'invisibalitus' can develop where other members of the human race no longer seem to associate with you, often ending the victim's life with social suicide.
Accomplishments Chemistry has Made for Average People
... Um... windex? ... maybe duct tape as well... nah. Though Lube development is a major acomplishment admittedly as if figuring out how to make alcohol strong enough to make you not remeber studying chemistry
Chemistry, in connection with other hard sciences, has conclusively proven the absence of any sort of free will.
What Chemistry Has Accomplished for the Everyday Person
... Um... *thinkthinkthink*...Well, uhhh...It's the reason people can't get into Harvard! Their useless Chemistry class renderd their GPA to smitherines of its former glory. And alcohol...wait no that's biology. CRACK COCAINE!!! TAKE THAT PHYSICS!
The everyday person is made out of chemicals. Everyone else is made out of your mom
- Idiotic Table of the Elements
- Botox Reactions
- Bario Draga and the Avogadro's number
- Chemical nomenclature
- Molar heat capacity
- Chemical bonding
- The Indestructible Properties