“Who the hell are you? Just get out of my house!”
“I'm not against Chessumism, I just don't like Chessum”
“In Soviet Russia, ism Chessums YOU!”
“Workers of the world, divide!”
“"If Chessum really existed, it would be necessary to abolish Him."”
“Chessumism was founded by Michael Chessum”
“That was a pointless quote”
“Dooo you like Michael Chessum? ”
“I possess a pun that could destroy the imagery of a thousand diamonds in a tempest of violent love. Chessumist! Hahaha! Chessum will be missed!”
“All your base are belong to us”
Chessumism is an ideology developed by leading Marxist revolutionary and Cheshire golf club member Michael "man of chess" Chessum. Its main aims are the establishment of a Chessumist regime, Michael Chessum in power, the establishment of a chessumist regime, free biscuits for all and the establishment of a chessumist regime. It also advocates through the development of class conciousness, the enforced speaking of Latin in all public buildings, except bus stops, and the establisment of a chessumist regime. It has been criticised by some beardy men in the West as being too idealistic, violent and generally silly. Many also resent Chessum's muscular physique, rugged good looks and obvious superiority. Other criticisms of Chessumism have included "Hey, you! Get out of my house", "Stay away from my children" and "I don't really like the establishment of a Chessumist regime, now get out of my house!". Many have also claimed (particularly philosophers) that Chessumism doesn't really exist but those making these claims are generally laughed off mainly because Michael can't hear them on account of their being very far away.
The first chessumist regime was established in The Formerly Undemocratic And Even More Long-Windedly Named Republic Of Somewhere in South America. It lasted 15 seconds in which time all the ideals of Chessumism were instantly forgotten. Most notably a policy of 'free bananas for all' replaced 'free biscuits for all' on pragmatic grounds.
Most modern Chessumists have taken a position of "Permanent Factionalism" and therefore nothing has been done since Tuesday tea time. Due to the fanatical belief in "Permanent Factionalism" held by many modern Chessumists, several offshoot ideologies have evolved from "True Chessumism" (or "The Muddy Path" as purists call it). The offshoot ideologies are as follows: Left Chessumism, Right Chessumism, Wrong Chessumism, Left Chessumist Tendancy, Left Chessumist Uncertainty, Campaign for a Chessumist International, Campaign for a Slightly Different Chessumist International, the Conservative Party and the Left Chessumist Campaign for a Right Chessumist International Uncertainty Tendancy for Worker's Control of Biscuits. There have also been rumours of a faction known as the Impossible Chessumist Tendancy, however, their existence cannot be proven as they are all invisible...and can fly. So there. This faction however, suffered from a drop in popularity after their leader, one Michael Chessum, was heard to be making insulting remarks on the radio about the leader of Chessumist Women's International Left Tendancy Institute Cleaning Ladies Tendancy To Be Left Chessumists - who's name was also Michael Chessum. Their popularity problem was further exacerbated when Michael Chessum was filmed live on TV beating small children and furry animals. This prompted great criticism from Michael Chessum, who had Chessum expelled from the party. Furious at this, Chessum rounded up his political allies, Michael Chessum, an innocent bystander, a blacksmith who had lost his way and Michael Chessum to set up a new party, of which little is now known.
During this period Chessumists pursued a policy of "Modern, Compassionate Chessumism" which has promised absolutely nothing of real value. But they all have wonderfully white teeth and are really very pretty. Modern Chessumists accuse Post-Modern Chessumists of being splitters. One of the leading Post-Modern Chessumists, Michael Chessum, was for some time considered to be one of the leading lights of the Chessumist movement (Michael Chessum dubbed him "The Golden Boy of the party"), but his career was tragicially cut short when, on a speaking tour of Ireland, he was impaled on the giant steel spike on O'Connell Street in Dublin, which some believe may have been consturcted for just this purpose, since it seems to have no other obvious use.
Present day approaches to Chessumism have advocated a return to "Permanent Factionalism", "not really achieving anything" and "the establishment of a Chessumist regime". They are hated, however, by more traditional Modernist Chessumists for their policy of rejecting the older "biscuits" campaign in favour of healthier snacks such as bananas.
The Chessumist Factions War of 1247
The most brutal period in the otherwise somewhat dull history of Chessumism was the Factions War of 1247. In this war, a man would be pitched against his brother (and occasionaly against himself, to make up numbers and to ensure that all factions were equally represented) in savage debate, henious pedantry and occasionally genocide.
The war started at around dawn on the morning of Tuesday the 43rd of June, 1247, and according to some historians lasted for almost four minutes (though this has been disputed by some Chessumist historians, such as Michael Chessum, who claim that as an extension of permanent factionalism, the war is still ongoing; and by Revisionist historians, who deduce that it finished at around half past three the following afternoon).
In the course of the war, several major strongholds of the various factions were sacked, never to be inhabitied again, such as Stornoway, New York, Methil, Isengard and Chessumgrad; others, such as New Chessumgrad, linger as shadows of a former glory. It is widely believed, though it has never been proven, that The Great Welsh Fire was started during this war, as various factions have either been accused of by others or proudly claimed themselves.
The nature, participants, duration, locations and outcome of the Factions War are not known for certain and probably never will be, but the following can be ventured (on the grounds of many minutes of slightly strenious research) as likely:
- Michael Chessum and several of the factions associated with him are believed to have taken part in the conflict.
- Some battles were fought, possibly.
- Stornoway was utterly destroyed by the Left-Right-Hokey-Cokey Chessumists under the command of Michael Chessum, after a valliant but doomed defence led by Michael Chessum.
- Methil was abandoned by all factions who destroyed the place on the grounds that it was not worth defending due to lack of biscuits. It has remained a hellish, bombed-out ghost town ever since.
- Several memorial tombs said to contain the remains of unknown soldiers were fashioned. They in fact contain the remains of several biscuit stashes (and in one case, a banana stash).
- The victorious Michael Chessum united the warring factions and promptly told them to get back to splitting peacefully.
- The defeated Michael Chessum lost face and was never a force in politics again, appearing on several reality TV shows before being imprisoned for an assassination attempt on Michael Chessum.
- Michael Chessum, having allied himself with Chessum during the war, fell out with him over whether a Jaffa Cake was cake or a biscuit and also over the correct pluralisation of "biscuit" during the translation of Das Chessumal into Faroese. He later committed suicide by eating poisoned caramel digestives, tying himself up, garrotting himself and setting himself on fire (he was a very thorough man). This was reported by several Chessumist henchmen, who saw it all but were unable to save him because...um...
- Wales was set on fire, to the amusement of all non-Welsh survivors of the War.
During the Chessumist Factions War of 1247 new economic policies were temporarily set up in Chessumist regimes. These included "Biscuit Requisitioning", "Grain Stealing" and "The Establishment of a Chessumist Regime". The latter caused great confusion however due to their already being a Chessumist regime in place. This may have been part of a lean towards the ideology of "Permanent Revolution" an offshoot of "Permanent Factionalism".
Opposition to Chessumism
There is no opposition to Chessumism. Either that or no one's noticed it yet. However, there is an instant shooting for anyone who does oppose. This may be why there has been no opposition.
There are many theories, most of them have nothing to do with Chessumism, being as they are mainly centered on science, history, religion, higlighter pens and other such irrelevant things. Many of those that actually concern Chessumism claim that Chessumism does not in fact exist and is just a story made up to scare children. This theory tends to fall down as in reality many children are not scared of political theories, apart from those concocted and espoused by Robert Kilroy-Silk.
- Tony Blair "That's an interesting question but - y'know - I think what we really have to look at here is something more expediant to the real concearns of the British people - like invading shit!"
- Hans Blix "There are no Chessums of Mass Destruction in Iraq"
- Hitler "He's so rugged and good-looking and also RACIALLY INFERIOR AND GAY AND MUST DIE"
- Captain Obvious "I oppose Chessumism"
- George Galloway "How dare he steal all my cat biscuits!"
- Michael Chessum "I know - I didn't want to be a critical Marxist theorist anyway - I WANTED TO BE A LUMBERJACK!"
- God "He's a total wanker."
- Barry Jenkins "Eh? Whit? Yer gay man, Ah dinnae want naething tae dae wi yer regime, likes."
- Tommy Sheridan "He's a splitter. Thanks to Mikarl (sic) Chessum's vanity, the Chessumist movement has been set back by as much seven thousand, three hundred and twelve years. Bloody splitter, now if you'll excuse me I need to go and do some shouting."
Michael Chessum, the founder of Chessumism wrote many books, pamphlets, tracts, love poems, scrawls and death metal songs about Chessumism, as did Michael Chessum, and according to Chessumist legend, so did the great Michael Chessum himself - though he is believed to have used a ghost writer, whose name is unknown. The most significant and influential of these writings have been lost, stored as they were in Cardiff, destroyed in The Great Welsh Fire. However, the titles of these books have been remembered, and a record of Chessum's considerable (or considerably silly) output is presented here:
- Das Chessumal
- Mein Chesspf
- Political Chessument
- The Life and Likely Death of Michael Chessum
- Biscuits: Why Workers Must Control Them
- Putrid Corpse Of Rotting Worker Who Died From Lack Of Control Of Biscuits (Death Metal Album)
- A History Of The Chesslish Speaking Peoples
- A Chessum's Tragedy (Poetry Anthology)
- The Lord of the Rings
- Shmernoy Chessuminitiry Robliemoblie Spliggle di Norge (How Chessumism can win in Norway)
- Betrayal: How Chessumism Lost in Norway
- The Great Welsh Fire: How it Wasn't My Fault.
- We're Not That Desperate: Why We Have Not Attempted To Win Support In Wales (article in The Spectator, though it may have been Private Eye)
- The Aeneid
- Chessum Physics: A Chessumist Interpretation
- The April 1st theses.
- Limp Biscuit: incidents from that trip to Singapore that I just want to forget
- Chessumator - Starring Arnold Chessuneggar
- Oliver Twist
- Michael Chessum
- Edward de Bono
- Oscar Wilde (supposedly)
- Robert Kilroy Silk (a closet chessumist).
- Michael Chessum
- Boris Johnson (but no one's had the heart to tell him yet)
- Karl Marx (he stole all his ideas)
- God (see above)
- Michael Chessum
- Adolph Hitler (who also opposes it, "All things to all men")
- Grand Pope Tarkin
- Michael Chessum
- Original Jesus
- All of the Jesii
- Michael Chessum (though we're not sure about this)
- William Shakespeare (Wrote a play about it called Chessumlet. Opening quote - "To be or not to be? - that is the Chessum")
- The Welsh (
nobody caresalthough unfortunately they are on fire)