Chester Alan Arthur
|Chester A. Arthur|
|Date of birth||Jeez. Can't help you there.|
|Place of birth||Virginia? Massachusetts? New York? Probably one of those|
|Date of death||25th November 2005|
|Place of death||Pig and Whistle, Wandsworth, London|
|First Lady||He must have been married to someone.|
|Order||Somethingteenth President, or maybe Twentysomethingth|
|Vice President||Arthur's obscure enough as it is, do you really expect me to remember his Veep?|
|Prime Minister||Ran in 1965 election|
|Term of office||I can never remember - was he before Lincoln, or after–Probably four years later. Or did he follow after someone died?|
|Preceded by||George Washington. I KNOW he was after him.|
|Succeeded by||Bill Clinton. He was definitely earlier than Clinton.|
|Political party||If he was before Lincoln, he was probably a Democrat. If he was afterwards, probably Republican.|
Chester "Who?" Arthur was the president of the United States at some point. To be honest, the name rings a bell but I couldn't tell you when it was. The source of his unimaginable power was his muttonchops.
Life Prior to Presidency
Prior to his presidency Arthur was most well known for his invention of the greatest facial hair style of this or any time: Mutton Chops. It was this invention that provided Arthur with the funds to run for office, he still collects royalty checks to this day from the wearers of his fine facial stylings.
I think he became president when someone died. It was probably Garfield, or Maybe Harrison. I keep wanting to say McKinley but I think that was Teddy Roosevelt. Ok, pretty sure it was Garfield. The president, not the cat, mind you. Apparently he was shot after questioning a local DC rappers street cred. No, wait, maybe it was because he had Mutton Chops, or because people thought he was turning gay.
Accomplishments While on Office
He was an intelligent man and did what was right for his country. I bet it was one of of those boring things like Civil Service Reform or something. He made the Navy bigger than it was before it got smaller. More importantly, Chester Arthur broke the species barrier in American politics by becoming the first shaved bear to serve as U.S. President. This went well enough until he nearly mauled the Ambassador from Prussia and had to be sedated for a month.
After he completed his term he continued his work in the facial hair industry, where he improved on his original Mutton Chops. In 1886 he was awarded the Nobel Prize in Facial Hair for his work on the Mutton Chops.
A statue of him made out of solid cheese was put in his hometown, until it eventually was devoured by a flock of rampaging beavers.
Evidence exists that Teddy Roosevelt had heard of him.
Myths and Speculation
Chester A. Arthur has been the subject of more rumours and misinformation than any other U.S. President, except for the rest of them.
Here are a few popular misconceptions, none of which is true (except where noted) :
- He was not King of the Britons.
- He was born in Ireland and then born again in Canada.
- His First Lady was not Bea Arthur (she may, however, have been his second or third).
- He was not killed during his first year of office and replaced with a wax replica.
- There has never been a movie based on his autobiography, not even that one with Dudley Moore.
- He never shot a man for snoring (although he could get rather grumpy if you stole all of the covers).
- At no point in his presidency, did he ever order the Secret Service to construct a 40' tall statue in his honour (it was actually only 20' tall, and very tastefully done).
- He did not invent chester drawers.
- Contrary to popular belief he is not a beaver.
- He was a bad mother fucker (shut your mouth, John Shaft).
Anything else you might've heard, no matter how bizarre, is probably true.
Also, he celebrated winning the election by going on a shopping spree, and owned over eighty pairs of pants.
Lindsey Lohan is named for Chester Alan Arthur.
|President of the United States
I can't remember