Cock huffing

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One bird, post-huff.

Medicinal Uses[edit]

Cock huffing was widely used to cure lung disease in Europe until the early 1800s when its popularity caused many farmers to have their chickens stolen from them for the purpose of huffing. Farmers that were victims to these cock thieves would put their penises in a pot of boiling orange juice due to Cock Huffing Withdrawl.

Cock Huffing is also known as "The poor mans highs" as it effects are far less greater and less addictive then that of kitten huffing.

Cock Huffers, or Chuffers, or Chivers, or Chinfers, or Cheflankians, or disciples of the mysterious Trip Bulker would come to be known as . . . Austrians. They moved over to the Austria from their home, Europe, with as many chickens as they could find and bred them to be born in a powder form which they named Cocaine, and is often used as a powerful stimulant by trekkies and JFK.

I'll huff your cock!!! So I herd u like huffin....... Cock huffers have been known to contract many different mental disorders, including schizophrenia, obsessive-curling disorder (amongst Canadians and bored housewives), and meningitis. Furthermore, there is a major danger for cock huffers in the ever present risk of contracting Hadrian's flu, although this only affects huffers in eastern countries that nobody cares about, like China.

Recently, there has been a tremendous rise in the popularity of huffing canned whole chickens. Health experts agree this is a troubling trend, as the human nasal cavity is ordinarily not able to contain a whole cock, and has occasionally been linked to exploding heads and cactus malfunctions. It is highly recommended that if you intend to huff a canned whole cock, you first consult a diesel mechanic or His Holiness The Pope

Relation to Quack Snorting[edit]

In the seminal literary works of Gary Larsson it is told and illustrated how wolfs "snort quack". Instead of a cock, a duck is used. Similar to cock huffing, in quack snorting the duck is aimed toward either nostril and the head is inserted in the nose cavity, wherepuon the creature snorts effortfully. This procedure is then carried out repeatedly as long as the snorting yields a "quack" from the duck. When the duck stops quacking the duck is discarded. Sometimes the remainings of the duck is dipped in a Swiss cheeze fondue or soaked in a Japanese broth ("tori no dashi" meaning the bird's borth). In some traditions the creature that snorted the most quacks receives the privilege to eat the prepared duck(s). This practise is now banned and neither legal in Japan nor Switzerland. When ducks snort quack, it is refered to as "re-ducking" and is considered a cannabalistic activity largely popularized by Canadian ducks in the early 19th century. In Asia you can buy quack in the street.

Cock Huffing in Literature[edit]

The first instance in which cock huffing appears in literature is in the epic Gilgamesh, in which the principle character, Steve, throws an apple core at his life partner, the goddess Ishtar, and shouts "Lo, shall I huff/ the great chickens of the world/ which are laid before me, as a great/ buffet at Country Kitchens,/ the most affordable buffet restaurant south of Babylon."

Subsequent references appear all over the globe, as in the works of the ancient Persian poet Rumi and such French poets as Arthur Rimbaud and Verlaisne, who famously went on tour with Metallica, declaring "Give me twenty or thirty little boys in Catholic uniforms and I'll huff a cock to the bone!" Later scholars would puzzle over this for years, until the literary scholar Jacques Derrida decided it was "meaningless shit" and exploded into a flaming forty headed dragon which quickly laid siege to the land of North Dakota.

In the West, literature derived from or about Cock Huffing has principally been concerned with the act as a symbol for rebirth, or of the psychological state of the huffer. For instance, in the Henry James novel "What Maisie New About Huffing Chickens" the protagonist, a small girl named Maisie, takes over a giant robot and huffs thirty chickens an hour until the sky is filled with beautiful rainbows and poverty is entirely done away with. However, in the Dickens novel "The Pickwick Papers About Huffing Chickens", he paints the portrait of a cock huffer as Christ figure, constantly sacrificing the sacrosanct privacy of his own nasal passages for the betterment of humankind in general, boldly declaring that "One must huff as many chickens as one can, being as an unhuffed cock is a thing aberrant, a thing foul and worty of loathing. Nevertheless, I will not consent to be eaten by a grue, even if it does offer me a buck twenty-five." It is widely agreed upon to this day that Dickens was probably just insane.

Cock Huffing continues to be a popular and controversial subject in the arts and letters of many societies today, including the Japanese who have an entire line of manga comic books entitled "Huff Chickens On Tuesday", and the Swedish who produce the highest yearly output of mimeographed pamphlets on cock huffing. In the United States, the respected author Maya Angelou has recently published a novel entitled "You Effin' Bet I Know Why the Caged Cock Sings!", in which she acknowledges the long history of cock huffing in the production of canes, small shoes, and werewolf repellant. Such authors as Norman Mailer, J.D. Salinger, and that guy down the street have announced intentions to devote entire works to cock huffing.

All time record[edit]

The all time personal record for huffing chickens was established on August 21, 1958 by Colonel Harland Sanders at the Apaloosa county fair. The record he set for one session was 476,854,394 and a third chickens.

After setting this record the Colonel became obsessed with the practice and continued to "off" increasing numbers of birds on a daily basis, cooking and eating the birds he extinguished until he reached a point that even with frequently hosting large dinner parties he was unable to dispose of the number of chickens he processed.

This lead to his making and arrangement with a nearby Road Kill Cafe, to add his birds to their menu in a dish called Kentuckistan Fried Cock.

The birds were dismembered and coated with a spiced substance called batter which the cooks had invented to cover up the battered appearance of the fare which they offered to their customers. Indeed, these birds did develop considerable marks in their efforts to avoid their fate.

The recipie was presented as a plate prepared with a secret combination of herbs and spices but the real secret was the special flavor imparted to the carcass through the "offing." The dish was an instant success and became so popular that even the zealous Colonel was unable to keep up with the demand.

[more to come ....]

Cock Huffing in History[edit]

comparison of huffees over past decade (x1,000,000)

Warriors of the feared Genghis Khan frequently huffed the hens of the peasants when they plundered and pillaged following a successful conquest. They believed that sucking the life out of a bird would allow them to fly away from enemies when the need arose.

Comparison with Kitten Huffing[edit]

The principal difference between Kitten and Cock huffing is obviously the participation of a cock in place of a kitten, however, there are some subtle differences which may not be evident at the first glance.

In the first place, other fowl may be used in place of the cock such as a duck or a goose. In rare cases it has even been noted that some huffors have done a turkey huff. The essential element of huffing in any of these instances is the participation of a fowl of some sort, in which case the practice should be known as fowl huffing, however this term never has gained much popularity.

Apart from the difference in animals, it may be noted that there is a considerable difference in the shape of the portion of the body of the huffee which is held in the huffor's hands. Because of the long neck of most of the fowl which may be used for huffing, it will be noted there is a similarity in form to the form of a snake.

In the year 2003 archaeologists digging in Mesopotamia discovered some ancient drawings which indicate that snake huffing may have preceded even cock huffing, but more recently scholars have begun to theorize that the term huffing the snake is in truth a euphemism for the practice of fellatio based on the steadily dropping mortality rate of common garden snakes compared to the increased sales of cherry flavored dildoes.

See also[edit]

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