If you contract chicken pox, DON'T PANIC. It just means that God hates you. With proper prayer, you too can overcome chicken pox. In a few lucky cases, it just turns into permanent acne, rendering you a teenager for life. BUT THAT'S OKAY! Consider the alternative: You will molt. Humans were not designed to molt. As my good friend Jerry Reinsfeld once said after a long night of drinking and prostitution, "Blueberry pie, but oh well." He was immediately arrested by the Mouse Police of the 1979 Green Party Revolution. But that's besides the point. If you truly think redeeming yourself in the eyes of God is worth the time and effort, take these few short steps:
- Play hopscotch while sugar-high against a team of professional Girl Scouts. This gets the oils beneath your evil skin jumpy/
- Find an ancient cryptic scroll or rune of some type and have it destroyed, along with your rock collection from Arizona. This will appease the Almighty into considering the matter.
- Learn how to fly. Hurl yourself over a rocky cliff just to prove it. This will show your faith (somehow). An added benefit is stinking it to your poxers, by succeeding where they failed despite the bio-mechanical advantage of birdishness.
- Become a prophet. Live out the rest of your days in a secluded manner, hiding under/behind a rock. Offer advice to random passers-by in Russian or any Cyrillic tongue.
- With any lock, God will shine His Royal Light on you, and draft you into the CCAPU under the leadership of Dan Murphy.
- Play for 18 years. Write a ballad about it.
- Find a cure for chicken pox.
- Stay away from sex, or commit yourself completely to a life of immorality and/or beastality.
- Give it back to those semi-bird failures.
- Eat chicken's flesh, which will give you bird flu and kill you anyway.
In Unburped Babies
The fact that most toddlers get chicken pox can be explained through the divine theory of original sin. Vis ì vis, God hates babies. Ergo, readers that contract chicken pox are also babies, on the inside. On the outside they are wusses. The commonly accepted cure for chicken pox is to douse the child with a bit of water, or gasoline if none is available. Sadly, the cure takes longer than the disease to run its course. No benefit has ever been observed.