“Keep a Child Alive - donate”
“The only thing worse than children are most diseases! ”
Children are an STD. If not for children, people would not stop having sex, except to eat, and defecate. Therefore, by their very nature, children are the ultimate form of contraception. Unfortunately, sex culminates in a complex form of nuclear fusion. This reaction results in the creation of a bizarre form of Dark Matter, called carboniferous hereditary invetro lesion dipocyte or C.H.I.L.D. SEX! Ha, got you. These "children" are beings of condensed energy which actually propels time, making them "the Future". Detection involves the woman undergoing an ultrasound, a procedure, which picks up the immense amounts of hypersonic noise (inaudible to the human ear) these creatures make. If your woman tests positive for a child, get as far away from her as you can, as the explosion form the matter's manifestation into the corpreal universe can destroy entire city blocks. An alternative to this reaction is an abortion, in which a heroic doctor bravely attacks the child with some "cold hard steel" and then quickly sucks it out through a miniature black hole. Or, you can use protection. Mr. Marco, an expert on the matter of sexual protection said, "No thanks, I don't like guns" and got four children later.
WARNING: Children may cause headaches and/or extreme drowsiness, children may cause upset stomachs so they should not be consumed immediately before swimming.
Children - The Demonspawn
Children are a genderless formless mass , like a fungi or moss. They have black hearts and thieving hands.
Children generally leech off society generally not giving anything back, until they get a part time paper round in early teens, except, may be when they are getting hit in the head from a ball on some video show ...!
It should be noted that Nihilists regularly eat children, not because they find them particularly distressing, but because they rarely possess the discipline or motivation to hunt fully-grown humans to feed to their pet dogs.
Children as a source of income - WARNING
BE AWARE!! Some Children are born for the sole purpose of obtaining financial security from the male parental figure by the female child bearer for eternity. The US Government not only condones this, they require it in most states. It is also popular to believe that children are easy to look after, this is not the case, as a domestic child now costs around $400,000 a year to maintain...
Children are the future. In fact, they are condensed future tablets. It is believed that one child can conceal up to 80 years of life, take 0.02 children to lose four days of your life, take one complete child to wake up one day 18 years from now with a bald spot and a kidney infection in prison because taking children is illegal in most so called civilized places, although if they don't take children they clearly cannot be that civilized (the parents don't like it much, apparently)
This is only relative. If you are an old person awaiting certain death at the next moment, children are the future. If you are a child, children are the present. It makes sense. If you are a child, how can children be the future. If you are a young adult, children are the past.
Children are a Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD)
Early scientists considered children to be some sort of parasitic creature that feeds on the female species' substance. It was dubbed "pregnancy" from the Latin word, impregnius, meaning "to impregnate a foreign body with another body (preferably while drunk and/or unconscious)".
This disease endangers the future of the human race as it creates fat, stressy females which make the males of the species regret their actions i.e. "getting the stressy, fat bitch banged up".
The disease will spend its first nine months inside the female's womb. During the beginning of this initial stage, it is possible to cure the disease with a treatment known as abortion. One problem with carrying through the cure after detection is an early symptom of the disease which causes the female to become emotionally 'attached' to the disease. This has been compared to Stockholm Syndrome.
After the first nine month development period, the disease will have enough of a foothold to crawl outside of the female's body in an event occasionally dubbed "the miracle of life", which, although defined as a miracle, actually occurs countless times in a single day.
The organism aka "a baby" destroys the lives of the male and female by killing off their social and sex lives as well as their overall understanding of fun. They are now shells, and ugly ones at that, of their former being and like all STDs, the one known as "children" takes and destroys countless lives everyday.
Uncle Roger's Child-Slapping Service
Some people, especially hippies and liberals, believe that hitting children is wrong. Uncle Roger's Child-Slapping Service provides an answer for parents who fall into one these categories for those occasions when your child really, really needs a good slap. For just £5 ($10), one of his trained Child Slappers will come round to your home and deliver the deserved punishment. If your child still doesn't follow your directions we will bring our own hammer for just an extra $5!
Why Babies aren't a good renewable resource.
We cannot have such a dangerous force as a natural resource. Babies are some of the most violent organisms on this planet. They're small, they're mobile, they're tactful, and very well equipped. If they so much as suspect that we are destroying their kind, especially for our own gain, there will be hell to pay. Chernobyl, in fact, was not a nuclear meltdown but actually a Baby strike force in all its glory. The babies were allegedly radioactive monsters which is deduced by the reasoning that there was so much radiation throughout the area afterwards.
A battalion of babies is still hiding somewhere in the frozen Tundra of Russia. Some people theorize that they are harvesting snow to create a new type of missile which runs on cold. A missile made of snow could be devastating to Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, or God forbid - California. Not to mention if it strikes Alaska a lot of people will go on with their lives completely unaware of the attack. On the other hand, if the good old pot-smoking Equidorians get nailed, they'll get wet from the melted snow. DO YOU WANT TO BE WET FROM MELTED SNOW?! I THINK NOT!
You never want to keep a group of babies close to mankind. Especially when we are dependent on them and they are in large numbers. The downfall of mankind would be imminent. We cannot trust our power in the hands of babies. The little buggers would annihilate.
One theory of how children came to exist is Einstein's theory of relativity. E = MC Squared (earache = midget children squared). This led Einstein to produce a vast quantity of irritating and, quite frankly, irksome children. Marie Curie was his first born and therefore best, then came Rontgen and finally his most irritating Rutherford. These children, it was discovered at the hospital in which they were produced, were radioactive. One of Rontgen's children was dropped on Hiroshima in 1945. Eversince that date, all children across the world are now radioactive.
Children, the Root of All Evil
It is commonly believed that children are the cause of all evil in the world, and of course the fact that they eat werthers. In fact every criminal, politician, or lawyer (and even you) was once a child. In a desperate attempt to stem the tide of rising evil, China has developed methods to limit the spawning of new children, such as enforcing laws on the peasantry, forbidding them to have more than zero children. Also, the Chinese government actively stimulates the spawning of boys by splicing Y chromosomes in all domestically-produced rice products, so that in time all Chinese become homosexual and stop having children. Conclusive results have yet to be proven, but the preliminary results are promising. For more on evil children see Lord of the Flies.
Possible Killer Cyborgs
“There was this one time me and my friend Jake were walking down the sidewalk and all the sudden, the sidewalk cracked and I was like, "Holy shit, what just happened?" And then I was attacked by small children and I fought them off with a nearby sword made out of custard juice.”
A recent documentary made by Bill Gates and Winona Ryder has surfaced but was quickly taken down by authorities who quite blatantly dismisses all evidence against children Cyborgs. Bill Gates had some trouble, but dug into his ear and pulled out 35 000 000 000 000 000$ to compensate for the havoc that ensued after the doucumentary was published. Winona shoplifted her way out of the crisis.
A picture from the documentary is the only thing that's left.
Kids seem to have a mutal fear of animals. Little is known about this fear but kids have been known to shrink back in fear at the sight of a large beast.
Nutrition and children
From the dawn of time, man has eaten children. Many tales of this are very well known, but to distract the children from reality, these are often disguised as fairy tales, such as the beloved tale of Hansel and Gretel. Since children are just humans in a more compact form, they are an excellent source of nutrition, as they are low in fat (sometimes) and high in protein. They even fit into a vegetarian diet because they lack the basic physiology of animals [i.e. a properly functioning brain, kneecaps, etcetera]. Many robots choose children as their meal of choice, much like we humans eat lamb as opposed to sheep.
One serving of child is part of a carefully balanced breakfast. The nutritional information of the average child is only 0.1 grams of fat for every 10 kilograms. This translates to approximately 3.14 lbs for every 569 ounces. Therefore, meat of the child (or "viande du monstre") is very popular amongst restaurateurs, especially among the fast food community. Solid child portions are not suitable ingredients in a liquid lunch, but I guess you figured that.
The first recorded case of child meat being considered a delicacy was in ancient footage of a film only known as "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me". This footage, dated "1145 BC", clearly shows one man saying in the dead language called leetspeak "I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back ribs". There is only speculation upon why this man repeats it; scientific speculation suggests that he has either suffered a mild stroke or is singing a song.
In a pamphlet written by Jonathan Swift in 1729 called A Modest Proposal, the author explains the use of children as a gourmet food commodity. The numerous economic, social, and political advantages of this idea are under consideration by the leaders of many world powers, including California, The American Empire, and Canadia.
If you ever happen to come across a child in the wild (or the more common Wilde in the Childe), simply begin dancing and making sounds similar to a joyful crow and they should leave you in peace. If this fails, wear glasses and talk about mathematics. If this fails, however, you are screwed. So totally screwed. You know that guy in Anaconda who shot himself because he knew he was about to be eaten by the anaconda? Yeah, you're him. Yeah. That can really suck...
A quote from a viewer of the movie Anaconda, "A snake like that, he keel your brother!" was noting as being an effective way of incapacitating a child. Upon stating said statement, the stated viewer stated, "The child simply curled up into a ball on the floor and began spasming. It took a full hour before the child finally uncurled and began snarling and biting again. After that we fed it cheese puffs and coffee and occasionally poked it with a stick." Researchers in Newgoober Ohio are currently working on a way to employ this phrase as a non-lethal weapon for use against unprovoked child attacks.
Note of Caution: Please remember never to feed wild children as it can often cause them to become more aggressive and attack other mortals for food. According to made up statistics, children attacks are at least 300% higher in locations where they are fed. If you see a wild child in your neighborhood please contact the local child control to capture it and transport it back to its natural habitat at Chucky Cheese.
Children and Cats
Few people are aware of the fact that children and cats can sometimes be mistaken for each other. Children are the things that meow and create excrement in your house, right? Exactly. There is really no way to tell the difference between a child and a cat unless you unzip the child's pants and check his genitalia. If the genitalia is shaped like your own, it is a child. If it resembles a pop tart, it is a cat. Unfortunately, children have adapted to this process by placing pop tarts over their gonads. And much like cats, children should all be put down, although cats usually go when they get old. Children are just plain annoying and should be either shot or left to rot. KILL THEM BY STABBING! KILL THEM ALL!
And please remember to spay or neuter your children. The last thing you need is more of them.
The Average Child
The average child makes a delicious stew when cooked and a damn nuisance when alive. Lollies are a popular way to get them to leave you alone. Child phychologists commonly frown upon this technique, arguing that many studies on child avoidance have proven that the common child will 70% of the time come back for more lollies and so the cycle of anoyance continues. However a child that receives a single tazer will most likely leave you alone. However many pro tazer child phychologists usually say that the child should be administered at least 7 jolts from a tazer. Just to be on the safe side, as 99% success rate from a single tazer jolt just doesn't seem high enough.
The Saving Thereof
The tiny brain of a child is vulnerable to Cow-like images or depictions. Politicians like Joe Lieberman, Freddy Krueger, and Hillary Clinton have made their careers rescuing children from erotic children's games like Metroid and XXX-Men.
Children often lack understanding of issues which make adults tick. Do not discuss sex in front of them (especially in lurid detail) if a parent or policeman is present. Do not let them imbibe alcohol unless you think you can deal with a three-foot-high hyperactive hangover.
Children, by adult standards, are insane, but then so are most adults anyway. This is because most adults never really grew up as children. This is known as Peter Pan syndrome
- HowTo:Make a Four Year Old Laugh
- Sexually Transmitted Diseases
- Michael Jackson
- 12 year old girl theory
- Child Supremacy
- Evil things
- HowTo:Cook Children
- Common Household Pests