Chimpanzee Grudgematch

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Chimpanzee Grudgematch: The latest craze in home entertainment and affordable gambling.
Chimpanzee Grudgematch: Because it makes us feel better.

What It Is[edit]

It's Chimpanzee Grudgematch, stupid. It's the only grudgematch For Chimps, Of Chimps, and By Humans with too much time, some vodka, and stun guns.

Basically, it's where Chimps with grudges go head to head against other Chimps for fame and fortune and the chance to kill another of their own species. What once was a suburban fad has really begun to resonate with America!

Actual History[edit]

While many theories place the first grudgematches in Bismarck, some historians and sports casters say different. Professor Eddie Van Burger, Detroit, stated in a recent lecture on primitive animals competing in primitive sports, "The only possible place this could have begun was the Motor City, bitches. We've got the time, we've got the savagery, and we've got the monkeys."

No matter where the now-national pastime began, it holds a constant place in most people's hearts. From Topeka to Tampa, from New York City to Houston, from the outhouse to the old oak tree, it has captivated audiences of all backgrounds and mental illnesses.

The Rules[edit]

The referee demonstrates what happens, Larry, if you f*ck a chimp in the ass

Weight classes:[edit]

There are none, because a big chimp can have a grudge against a little chimp, and vice versa. This way every chimp can be free to fight every chimp, like God intended.

Bout duration:[edit]

All non-championship bouts shall be ten rounds. All championship bouts shall be four rounds. Rounds will be five minutes in duration. A 90 second rest period will occur between each round to allow for repairing cuts and picking up body parts off the floor.


Before the sport was organized, anything went, and I mean anything. Once the beaurocrats stepped in, they decided the chimps needed rules, and based those of Grudgematch's loosely on the rules of the Ultimate Fighting Championship.

  • Throwing an opponent out of the ring or fenced area.
  • Throwing feces during a round (Recent amendments to the Rule Book state that a chimp may throw feces during breaks, however)
  • Fish hooking
  • Attacking an opponent who is under the care of the referee
  • Small joint manipulation
  • Putting a finger into any orifice or into any cut on an opponent
  • Attacking an opponent after the bell has sounded the end of the period of unarmed combat (during armed combat, the bell is for distraction only, and can be wholly ignored)
  • Throwing in the towel during competition

Ways to Win:[edit]

A contestant in Chimpanzee Grudgematch XII: Call of the Wild, demonstrating the much despised taunt "Who's Gonna Win?"

Winning by decision is not allowed, unless the referee has had enough, and can't stand any more bloodshed, which has only happened once, and to the sports credit, that chimp was a sissy-girl. Disqualification is only used if a contestant has broken 7 out of the 8 rules. Otherwise, the fight goes on until one of the chimps is dead.

  • Butting with the head
  • Eye gouging of any kind, because that shit is just nasty
  • Biting
  • Hair pulling
  • Groin attacks of any kind
  • Striking downward using the point of the elbow
  • Throat strikes of any kind, including, without limitation, grabbing the trachea
  • Clawing, pinching or twisting the flesh
  • Grabbing the clavicle
  • Kneeing the head of a grounded opponent
  • Stomping a grounded opponent
  • Spitting at an opponent
  • Engaging in an unsportsmanlike conduct that causes an injury to an opponent
  • Using abusive language in the ring or fenced area

Fame of the Game[edit]

The Infamous TonTon, of World Chimpanzee Grudematch Assocation notoriety, seconds before getting cited for small joint manipulation.

Although many proponents of the WCGA would say every match is famous in its own right, historians would say otherwise. Here then, are the big deals.