Chris Carrabba

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Chris Carrabba, was shat into the world from his mother's self-inflicted razor cut vagina sometime in 1867. Born with a mangina, Chris unfortunately did not suffer from Shaken Baby Syndrome as a result of his excessive and obnoxious crying. There are rumours of a secret cult, whose members call themselves uniformly by the name Chris Carrabba.

The effects of molten gay on Christopher Carrabba, the common emo.

Spawning, birth, and early childhood[edit]

Spawning[edit]

One relatively significant member of the alleged Carrabba Cult, Chris Carrabba, was conceived after a human-sized vagina and a midget both, unknowingly fully knowingly to see what results it would produce, hired the same prostitute on the same night and, defying the laws of physics (and all that is holy), managed to both impregnate her with the same worthless and unfortunate child. This child would grow up into the whiny emo known today as Chris Carrabba, who has so far commited suicide several times only to be revived by the smell of cash provided by the artistically meaningless network MTV, who wanted to exploit whining idiots and 12 year old girls.

Early Childhood[edit]

As a small child, Chris developed an unnatural interest for many sharp objects razorblades, knives and sharp sticks. On many occasions, he also tried to steal his father's half-drank cans of Milwaukee's Best, only to be picked up and put outside by his mother. As a three-year-old sitting outside in the rain while the other, worthwhile kids pointed and laughed, it was then that Carrabba wrote his first song, entitled, "I'm a whiny piece of shit who looks like a walking crinkled penis with tattoos". It was possibly this song that gave other emo followers Fall Out Boy and Panic! At the Disco the idea to make angeringly long titles for their contradictorily short and worthlesssongs.

Carrabba: The Teenage Years[edit]

When Chris was sixteen, his family dragged his pussy ass to Boca Raton, Florida. Although Chris missed the quiet, cold environment of Connectthedots (perfect for cultivating the emo personality), he immediately began to take notice of all the greased up twenty-year old men in multicolored speedos, and therefore spent all his time between writing songs that would later become the shit that led the emo revolution and performing (sex) tricks for money and tight jeans for the greased-up men who would not reveal their age and wore multicolored speedos. These men included Gerard Way, Conor Oberst, and Pete Wentz, all of whom later became active members of The Church Of Emo, except Pete Wentz, who started the Church Of Fangirls/boys and has endless sexcapades and anal-bead conventions because of it, making it a much better investment than that other thing.
But I'm getting off topic.

Chris much rather would've had the twenty-year-olds. Nonetheless, Chris finally made enough money turning tricks to buy a pair of jeans so tight that they actually squeezed random song lyrics up and out of his mouth. This is how many of his early songs were written.
By this point in time, his lyrics were becoming dark and more violent, and three times, he actually attempted shooting various convenience stores and nursing homes, but his aim was terrible and his stray bullets happened to just bounce off of Patrick Stump (who just happened to be there all three times) and his shield of Invincibility and Anti-Emo (though he is emo himself, so the shield sometimes malfunctions and beats him over the head).
After graduating from highschool, Chris finally decided to learn the guitar that his uncle had given him (when asked about this, his uncle said "That goddamn kid called it a stupid gift and look where he is now! Have I seen a penny?! HELL, NO!" and then proceeded into a rage that landed him in Azkaban for three months, during which time he was mistaken for a Death Eater, escaped, and is now Lord Voldemort's favorite servant) and played in about a hundred local bands, the names of which are unimportant because no one's probably ever heard of them.

Adult life, current music career, and The Church Of Emo[edit]

Adult life/Current music career[edit]

By the age of 157, Chris had been in over 13,000 bands to date and had single-handedly brought down all of them by accidentally drowning them in his own tears. He finally joined a band called Further Seems Forever, but, never being able to just be satisfied with one success, started a small solo project on the side. This solo project grew larger and larger until so many people were in the audiences at the shows that the security guards requested that true fans cut their own wrists so that they would not have to do much work at all.
Once this happened, Chris said sayonara to Further Seems Forever and went to work solely on Dashboard Confessional (making Further Seems Forever the first band that did not die by drowning in Chris's tears).


The Church Of Emo[edit]

Once Chris was almost crucified on a flagpole while walking along drunkenly after an emo party one night, he started comparing himself to Jesus Christ (or Jebus, depending on the sort of culture you live in), and about a million other idiots bought into it, therefore beginning The Church Of Emo. For more information, please see the article entitled The Church Of Emo. (I've given you about a thousand links, it's obvious that you have to go somewhere else to read about it.)


Trivia[edit]

  • Chris commonly eye-rapes audience members during live shows. He attributes this to "seeing them be moved by the music" or something. One fan stated, "It was the best moment of my life and I eye-raped him right back... but his cornea might press charges."
  • He does not know whether he is married or not, but is currently possibly in a sexual relationship with Conor Oberst.
  • He thinks that he is wrong and right all at once.
  • Chris suffers from an acute form of vaginitis.
  • He prefers screaming infidelities to silent infidelities (pun intended) so he knows what is going on, at least, and may participate if he so chooses.
  • His hair's got a mind of its own.
  • He is a god among men.