Chris Hannah

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Chris Hannah is a flamboyant homosexual. He has been known to take an ultra-liberal stance on anything, from faggots to blacks civil rights. He is also the guitarist to Propagandhi (renowned for their insightful socialist ideas and shameless amounts of cursing), and owns the record label G7 Welcoming Committee, which does not realize the G7 has been renamed. His residence in Winnipeg, Canada bolsters his left-wing commie pinko wingnut image. He is such a vegan that he doesn't eat anything AT ALL!

Biography[edit]

Childhood[edit]

Chris Hannah was born to fags. However, his parents rose him up very strictly. They wouldn’t let him take the Ferrari to the Anarchist Festival in Winnipeg, he was forced to raise his own money to buy a signed copy of ‘’Das Kapital’’ by Karl Marx, and was forced to fly COACH to Mother Russia when he was 15. Said his father: “I really hated the kid. All he ever talked about was social welfare, pacifism, and killing all fascists, capitalists, and bourgeoisie. I made sure his life was a living hell. I mean, I made him clean his room every once in a while. Doesn’t get much worse, if you ask me.” Hannah started the band Propagandhi to stick it to the man, man. This time the man was his parents. He enlisted a steampunk named Jord to play drums, and some guy nobody remembers on bass.

Propagandhi-People Actually Live In Winnipeg?!?[edit]

Chris Hannah wrote about ten songs when the band formed in 1986. He littered every single song with swears in order to bolster his punk credibility. He would never write another song in his life, just rearrange the words and chords to make a new commie socialist song. This strategy worked most of the time, but he ended up getting some fairly odd songs, such as, “Let’s All Make Fun Of Fat Mike For Selling Out,” “Donald Rumsfeld is a Fucking Dick, eh?” “(I’m A) Fuck Machine,” and “Shell Oil Really Sucks, Defiantly Go With Exxon.” They replaced their old bassist with some other guy nobody’s ever heard of in the late ‘80’s, possibly even the same guy. Then they replaced that guy with John K. Samson, the reincarnation of Shakespeare. Everybody figured he was just on crack, though (He is from Canada, after all.) Fat Mike signed them to Fat Wreck Chords in the late ‘90s, provided they all go on 10000-calorie diets. They released “How to Clean Everything, Provided Capitalist Swine Will Give Us the Cleaning Supplies Us Workers Deserve.” It includes such classics as “Religion: Fuck It (But Without Passion),” and “Animal’s Don’t Like Being Eaten, I Don’t Think.” In ’96 they released “We Could Rock More On This Album, But I’d Much Rather Just Talk.” There were some subtle hints Chris Hannah was a vegan, gay-friendly, feminist commie, but now that I think about it, songs like “Stop Raping Animals and Pouring It On Your Breakfast Cereal” and “Kill All the People Who Want To Selectively Kill All The People” don’t even warrant that comment. After recording, Samson got pissed Hannah would not let him sing songs about exploring the Antarctic or faulty strings of blue Christmas lights, so he quit the band to shout poetry at passing strangers.

Propagandhi Again: They Only Released 4 Albums in 20 Years? WTF! LOL! QFJ! FOH! AAAAAAAAA![edit]

To replace Samson, Chris got Todd The Rod Kowalski, who enjoyed screaming left-wing commie pinko remarks mixed with an incredulous amount of swears at like-minded individuals almost as much as Hannah. In 2000, they released “Today’s Empires, Tomorrow’s Ashes. That Means You, United States of America” It is considered to be the crowning moment of Hannah’s career. Too bad it came at a time when Americans weren’t doing anything wrong at all. Todd the Rod was found to be very good at screaming “Fuck!” at the top of his lungs on this album, and thus was welcomed into the punk community very handily. In 2005, the band released “Potemkin City Limits, Because Capitalist Pigs Have Forced Us Out of the Land of Milk and Honey by Stealing your Money.” Although the album was considered to be one of the best of 2005, Hannah was starting to show his rust, as he wrote about the America’s Army video game and the Super Bowl… Jesus fucking Christ, the Super Bowl?!!? How many goddamn topics must you go through before you write a song about the Super Bowl!!?? I mean, with the War, the lies our government is spreading, and he writes about the Super Bowl! Come on, Chris Hannah [author shoots self in head].

See that place way left? No, after the “left as humanly possible” sign. Keep going left. Almost there. Okay… Stop! That’s how liberal Chris Hannah Is.[edit]

Chris Hannah is so far left, Dennis Kucinich and Russ Feingold look in awe. Frederick Engels just hangs his head in disappointment. He’s so far left, he boycotts the Vans Warped Tour because it’s too capitalistic. He’s so far left, he wants Rumsfield on trial for the deaths of all the Iraqi people, even Muhammad bin al-I’madamnterrorist. He's so far left, he hates Santa Claus because he's too capatilist. He's so left, he doesn't even go to other countries that let white men outside.

Quoting Chris Hannah[edit]

Quoting Chris Hannah is like quoting Oscar Wilde, only with much more anger. It is the national pastime of Canada. Some decent Chris Hannah Quotes are:

“Milk is good if you like drinking rape with your meal”

~ Chris Hannah on Milk

“How come that goddamn fascist gets to vote, but I don't? Don't give me that 'You're not an American citizen' shit”

~ Chris Hannah on elections

“Bad Religion? So they're saying there is actually a good religion?”

~ Chris Hannah on Bad Religion

“We need to kill the fascists, because they feel the need to kill people”

~ Chris Hannah on fascism

“Leafblowers infringe on a leaf's unalienable right to be in your gutters”

~ Chris Hannah on leafblowers

“Am I the only person who doesn't think it's liberal enough up here?”

~ Chris Hannah on Canada

“He's black, right? So his rights must be being surpressed. Oh, he's white now? That damn Michael Jackson, suppressing minority rights!”

~ Chris Hannah on Michael Jackson

“Isn't he unconstitutional?”

~ Chris Hannah on Grim Reaper

“[explicative deleated]”

~ Chris Hannah on George W. Bush

“Have you ever thought we might be exploiting plants? Just because they don't scream doesn't mean they don't feel pain.”

~ Chris Hannah on Veganism