Germany pronounced Gëërmääḧnÿ
Bureaucracy of Germany or Türkätürkästän
|Motto: '"Crapulam terribiliem habeo" (Latin: "The hangover is terrible.")|
|Anthem: "Kartoffeln über alles" by Rammstein|
|Capital||Dschinghiskhanitsan (formerly Windischeschenscheschenscheschenbach)|
|Official language(s)||German, Turkish, Klingon|
|Government||Dictatorship ruled by Dschinghiskhan|
|General||General Von Dschinghiskhan|
|National Hero(es)||David Hasselhoff, Moses, Heidi Klum|
|unsuccessful struggles for Independence and "living space" in 1914 and 1939|
|Currency||beer, Pretzels, Reichsmark|
|Religion||Nihilism, fetishism, beer|
|Major exports||ümläüẗ, jews, salt water, spare automobile parts, porn, beer, sausagesgear|
|Major imports||Turks, Alka-seltzer, and other hangover remedies, tic-tacs|
“Ve vere having a very nice time an ze beaches trying to enchoy oor French holiday un denn dose British und American schweinhunds came und chased us avay!!”
Germäny, älsö knöwn äs the Büreäücräcy öf Germäny, Türkätürkästän ör Öktöberfest, is ä “Federälschenkenäbörg’’ cönsisting öf 16 Läündries ("Länder") änd is rüled by the ännüälly self-elected Generäl Vön Dschinghiskhän.
Germany is located in the middle of Europe and borders many countries, including Poland, Cheque Republished, Australia, Neutralland, Luxemboring, Bell-jam, Neverland, The Great Bacon Republic and People's Republic of France. The fact that Germans try to put the blame of their crashing economy on anyone but themselves has been the source of much conflict, and by conflict this includes many, many beatings of the French Army (who hasn't?) and World Wars.
The Capital of Germany is Dschinghiskhanistan, it was formerly called Windischeschenscheschenscheschenbach, but since General Von Dschinghiskhan is dyslexic he changed it to something much more easier to spell.
People & Culture
The entire population is composed of blue-eyed blonde women who like to lie around in parks with their tops off and act in German Scheisse films, and humorless, athletic, tall, blue-eyed blonde men that feed on beer, Sauerkraut, bitterness, an inferiority complex and smaller nations.
Although Germans are known as "Krauts" all over the world, the inhabitants call themselves "Deutsche", which is German for "Not Funny". They are known to be a super organised and efficient race with second-to-none engineering skills. They also like to take holidays in other countries, especially during the periods they call "Blitzkrieg".
A typical German activity is starting - and losing - a war. It's how they celebrate their self-proclaimed superiority.
Beer, getting nude in city parks, getting nude on ‘’reserved’’ sun-loungers, eating sausages, making prestigious cars, basically.
The Germans also love to go on holiday. In the past, the preferred method of travel was in large tours of maybe 10,000 by tank, although a select group of ‘’extreme sport’’ lovers choose to travel by aircraft, which they jumped out of at their desired location. Popular German vacation destinations have included Holland, Poland, Croatia, France, Belgium, Denmark, Norway, Yugoslavia, Coruscant, Hell, Greece, Russia and literally most of the countries in Europe except Britain as Germans easily get sea-sick and don’t care much for the home-style cooking anyway.
Today, a German holiday invasion can be spotted by large quantities of unattended towels around the pool. A popular destination for the holidaying German is Spain, as is Mother-Turkey. In fact, so many Germans go there that most people wanting to visit Germany will find it more beneficial to just visit Spain or Turkey instead. That way you won't have to deal with the poor weather or the totalitarian recycling laws.
The German History
The Holy Mormon Empire stood for nearly one thousand years. During this period, the Germans practised what would become their Foreign Policy; "AnnexDeShitOutOfEveryvon." The Empire was founded by Vanilla Ice who constituted the Church of Vanilla Ice. However, many Germans became frustrated with it’s preachings of monogamy and spoon-bending.
Napoleon Dynamite invaded and banned Vanilla Ice’s preachings. Fork-bending and cheese-rolling were now practised throughout the land and the people rejoiced. Part of Germany however was not impressed with the spikiness of the fork and instead set up their own colony, what is now Austria where they could fill their days with spoon filled activities to their heart’s content. Vanilla Ice admitted defeat and said he never liked spoons anyway.
World War I
Also known as the Great Music Wars. Franz Ferdinand of Austria and the Kaiser Chiefs of Germany had an ongoing battle for world chart supremacy, decades of violence had gone on between the two rivals, so Franz Ferdinand released a single called “Take me out” which was an offer of peace, asking the Kaiser Chiefs to go out for a nice Bratwurst and a pint of beer with them and talk things over. Unfortunately the Kaiser Chiefs saw this single as a taunt on their military capability and athletic prowess and this ended in the unfortunate assassination of Franz Ferdinand. This resulted in the Great Music Wars of 1914 – 1918 and the defeat of the Kaiser Chiefs. Germany was so taken with grief at the death of their leaders they called for Franz Ferdinand to have to sit in a small isolated room listening to non-stop playback of Kaiser Chief songs, after 3 days and 4 hours later Franz Ferdinand was found dead with his hands over his ears.
World War 2
After World War I or The Great Music Wars you would think that the Germans would realise that they are not very good at Wars (or dealing with Austrians) and so would give up without further embarrassment. However, under the leadership of a short, dark-haired Austrian, they decided to give it another go for old time's sake. Little did they know that this Austrian, who went under the name of Hitler was actually Franz Ferdinand’s Great Grandson and fuelled with revenge and bitterness he led the country into a hopeless War and watched the country fall apart rubbing his hands with glee.
However, the joke was soon on him as he had forgotten to let his native land of Austria in on the joke and soon he had half the world after his blood. Hitler called on Snow White, Road Runner and Donald Duck to help him out with the war effort. They agreed. Snow White, however, was unfortunately assassinated with a poisoned apple by the Resistance after she went on live TV announcing her support for the Hitler. Hitler was so overcome with grief at the death of his mistress Snow White that he committed suicide.
Third Time is the charm?
Many scientists and philosophers have postulated the theory that Germany might cause a Third World War, as it is commonly understood that the third attempt is lucky. America has agreed a Treaty, that if such a 'third attempt' would be made by the Germans, that they would formally ignore it once again until the last possible second and then claim responsibility for the Victory.
The Berlin Wall
Built in 230 BC by the citizens of Berlingrad, former Capital of Germany prior to Dschinghiskhanistan. The Wall was built to out do Hadrian’s Wall and the Great Wall of China, however they run out of Lego and the result was a wall being that much shorter in length and height than these other walls, this caused mass depression and the wall was finally pulled apart in 1989. Little did they know that Hadian’s Wall and the Great Wall of China both used Mechano covered with Kryptonite.
Still to this day nobody knows why the Germans chose to use the English word "unification" instead of the German word "Schtockenpflockenmachenheitchenhelterkeitschlopfelnofflelnoplefleffelnschnitzel".
The main German cities are:
- Dschinghiskhanistan the Capital city named after General Von Dschinghiskhan
- Berlingrad, the biggest city in Germany and third largest Turkish City in the world
- Hamburg, city where the hamburger was discovered
- Frankfurt, city of hot dogs
- Munich, largest village in the world and former nudist colony, also called "Munich".
- Gelsenkirchen, founded when Dortmund ran out of car parks
Germany also has a huge amount of forests but it’s advisable to avoid them or you might get savaged by a wild boar, a wolf, a Yeti, or worse, a nudist.
You may also see the wild and very rare german chocolate moose. These wild yet very tame animals feast on corn and if approached will not attack yet have been known to smoother the victim untill dead. They normally only appear in winter as in summer they do tend to melt.
Germany's chief export is the umlaut (ä, ö, ü) and the occasional ß. Germany also tops in the export of germs, and as its name suggests, they have many of them.
A great deal of the German economy revolves around being unemployed. These lucky bastards spend their days doing nothing and getting paid for it, while periodically showing up at the Arbeitsamt (Jobcentre) to see if anyone has made up a job for them yet, like sorting trash, reading magazines or beer-tasting. Some Germans pretend to be unhappy with this unemployment situation, but really they're just jealous that approximately 11% of their neighbours get to enjoy it while the rest of them have to slug around in the office all day, not being able to drink beer beverages until at least lunchtime.
Another big export is the Autobahn. The idea of the Autobahn has been successfully used to sell German cars abroad on at least several occasions. A Volkswagen dealer in Durham remarked to a potential customer who was admiring the reliability of a VW polo, "Reliable? Germany got da Autobahn man, ain't got no speed limit, so dat shit got ta be reliable innit!"
Other examples of reliable German cars are Mercedes, Audi, Trabant, Renault and every Plumber’s favourite the Ford Transit van. Contrary to popular belief BMWs are not made in Germany they are actually imported from Greenland. The confusion arises from the national flower, the Rhodochiton Volubilis, which is more commonly known as the Black Man’s Willy or BMW, hence the possible confusion. This flower is used for everything from beer production and the active ingredient in penis enlargement tablets to the thing that makes those sweets crackle on your tongue.
Germany had many different types of Government throughout the ages, some of which include Monarchy, Communism, Fascism, and Calligraphy.
The current Government is a dictatorship ruled by the benevolent General Dschinghiskhan and his Cabinet who rule over the country with an iron fist.
The crime for treason (or putting your plastic in with your cardboard) is punishable by Deportation to France.
Dschinghiskhan's greatest achievement is the German Purity Law (Das Reinheitsgebot), which is still in use nowadays. It was created to prevent people contaminating your pint of beer with vodka or a shot or two or Tequila when you’re in the toilet. That really annoys Dschinghiskhan.
- Berlin Wall
- Umlaut monster
- Checkpoint Charlie