Christian Metal

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Christian metal.

“Everything I know about religion and devil's music is a lie!!”

~ Sheen Estevez on Christian metal

“I've had it with these motherfucking wannabes trying to make motherfucking heavy metal!!”

~ Samuel L. Jackson on Christian metal

“Blasphemy!!”

~ Peter Griffin on the idea of Christian metal

“What gives? What part of "Christ like" don't ya get?? Ya think I'm listening to that crap?!”

~ Jesus on Christian metal

“Heyy! you stole my music!!”

~ Satan on Metal

“Yeeeeeeaaaaaeeeaaaeah!!!!!Jesus rules!”

~ Typical Christian Metal Fag/Fan on Christian Metal


Christian metal has been around for years, even though Christians has been around since dinosaurs, and according to them, men, have been around. Christian metal is famous for it's music that makes your ears bleed, and it's lyrics that talk about the fictional "God" which you find in little kiddie's cartoons.

Contradictions and Hypocrisy[edit]

While you will not find a verse in the Christian Bible that condemns metal, you obviously know (and if you don't, <insert name here>, you're just a fucking idiot who's 40 and lives in his mom) that Christianity and heavy metal have long hated each other. In fact, Christians have made the false accusation of Led Zeppelin having subliminal messages in their music that worshiped the devil. So many Christians hate the heavy metal it's stupid. but, of course, there are, and have always been, those Christians who don't act their religion. In fact, the dumbass who is writing all this is Christian. Go figure, right?

Rules and Requirements[edit]

In order to become a Christian metal band member, you must do the following:

  • be willing to have your family hate you for the rest of your life.
  • be able to scream like a cat getting raped in the ass by an elephant.
  • bestow awkwardness upon your non-Christian listeners by screaming such phrases as "I love You, God" and "I pray to Thee" during a breakdown.
  • have a gay name, such as "<insert name here>.
  • hate gays (this is a biggie. You must LOATHE gay people. ESPECIALLY lesbians, because they're always showing off their fucking on the internet. The more you hate gays, the better Christian metal member you are. (extra cookies for calling gay people faggots, and if you falsely accuse someone of being gay, hell, you've already won!!)
  • think the world is flat.
  • quote Bible passages during an instrumental, acoustic or hidden track.
  • Make fucked-up interesting lyrics about things that no non-Christian could ever to relate to or like, even though they're who you're trying to reach.
  • hate Satanists and SECULAR heavy metal (yeah, there's a difference. We don't know what, but there is...)
  • dress emo even when you're not going for emo.
  • believe that dinosaurs and humans lived together, slept together, and ate together.
  • believe that dinosaurs never existed (Fundametalist bands only)
  • hate tofu (remember, gays and lesbians eat tofu, so back off!)
  • watch the popular TV show "Touched by An Angel" (yeah, we've never heard of it either)
  • invade a musical genre and attempt to destroy it's credibility and cry over bands saying "Fuck You"

in their songs. (Seriously, why the fuck would anyone's God care what kind of music you listen to, you won't be transported to the Ninth Level of Hell for listening to Metallica, or Meshuggah).

  • hate yourself

Notable Christian metal bands[edit]

Some extremely (un)poplular bands are:

  • The Hypocrites
  • Die, Satan, Die (most noted for their hit single, "I wanna kill for Christ!")
  • The Straights (most noted for their hit single "Kill the gays!!")
  • Deicide (They're actually Satanist, but, hey they sing about their religion, don't they?)
  • Jesus Bolt
  • My God Can Kill Your God

See also[edit]