Chuck Norris doll
Chuck Norris Action Figure
Warning: NOT A TOY. FOR USE BY MILITARY PERSONNEL ONLY AND BOB THE BUILDER!
Originally released by Hasbro as an educational children's toy, the Chuck Norris doll was found to have remarkable self-defense capabilities upon its release Christmas Season 1995. That Christmas Morning alone 5,000 deaths were reported by unruly parents who had thrown away their reciepts. Hasbro then attempted to recall the toy (which USA gov't had declared as a class five WMD weapon of mass destruction). Unfortuntely for the world the seeds of war were planted in the homes of suburban America. Upon removal from packaging the Chuck Norris Doll would come to life and commence the intial defense system built into it. This defense system consisted of several roundhouse kicks and 4 action phrases in 3,000 languages including Huttsie and Elvish. This rapid torrent assault frightened the consumers and those in the 5 mile vicinity.
It is said that several well-known persons such as the Queen of England and Ronald McDonald purchased this doll without reading the Surgeon General warning. They were forced to send multiple armies after the wayward doll when it took over Parlaiment and Congress without mercy.
Defense against the Norris
The manufacturers were unaware of the fact that the toy they invented was in-fact mistakenely imbued with secret military technology. This came as a big surprise to the military when their missles only repeated Chuck Norris phrases and didn't actually do anything else. Because of this accidental swap of technology, both the US Army and Mitsubishi were forced to combine forces, (thus ending their 5,000 year feud), to create the Anti-Norris which consisted of several thousand laser guided nuclear missles all aimed at Russia, fueled by the Death Star tractor beams. It became quite clear in 2020 that after the Chuck Norris dolls took over one-third of the world, that only one surviving creature could stop this most evil action figure. That was none other than the Chinese Tiger. This tiger is known to be able to take several rockets to the face without crying. This comes from the internal skeletal structure of the tigers which has been found to be made out of some form of noodle-based taters, (which many of you may recall from the epic motion picture, LOTR, not to be confused with LORT?).
After the human race defeated the Chuch Norris doll, the US Government seized all remaining Chuck Norris units and programmed them to assassinate political targets such as the Hamburgler and that stupid rabbit that's always trying to steal Trix from those poor children in Africa. Known as "Operation Chuck Norris dolls kill stuff because we can't think of a better name at the time but if you have any input please send it to the President, but only between the hours of 8 A.M. and 8:01 A.M. because he's too busy trying to figure where Waldo is". This incredibly long title was shortend to "Operation Pickle factory" because it sounded cooler and Tom who was the supervisor left the room to get some Fritos and Tod overruled his decision. Anyway, this Chuck Norris doll was used in the Cold War to heat things up in Russia. This is where the name "Cold" came from in the name "Cold War". After the Soviets were warmed up, the Norris dolls were recommissioned to land on the moon thus establishing the MOrmON religion. Notice how the word Moon is secretly located within the word Mormon spelled MOON just as it is found in Japanese.
The following warnings were published on packages following the initial release of the deadly doll.
1. Do not consume as death may occur multiple times due to roundhouse kicks.
2. Do not throw at on-coming traffic as doll may cause several accidents with its awesome tight pussy.
3. Do not stare at doll as it will see this as a personal challenge to d-d-d-d-duel! Pronouced d-d-d-d-duel!
4. Do not smoke as doll may cause cancer.
5. Do not comsume and then drive as doll may impair vision and driving abilities.
6. Do not put in mail-box as all mail will be destroyed with ease by Chuck's muscle-flex.
7. Reinforce house with bullet-proof butter. This will cause Chuck to slip and laugh at his own failure.
8. Do not get mad at doll and return to store, as the store will then be taken over by the doll and the next day you come back, all of the service associates and employees will be replaced with creepy dolls of Chuck Norris asking every five seconds if they can roundhouse kick something for you, preferably your children.
10. Always feed the doll at least 12 times a day as roundhouse kicking tends to burn a lot of fat and that fat must be replenished with nutrient enriched soy products, Chuck's favorite.
11. Always make sure a parent or legal guardian is in the room with the doll as doll will wander away and step infront of traffic.
12. Always tuck in tight at night so as to make doll feel that it is apart of the family. Rejection by family may result in sudden death.
13. Kiss doll daily to let it feel affection.
14. Stop reading these instructions. The doll is trained to kill and is probably behind you right now with a grenade or a train and is going to kill you so you better stop reading right now. Really right this second. Stop. He's coming. I mean it. Oh, crap here he comes. Hope you don't like to live because here he comes. Seriously, stop reading. Okay, whatever, I'll just pray for you because he's right behind you right now. Maybe if you start crying he'll have compassion. Too bad for you he has never felt compassion except for that time when he dropped a taco and thought, "That poor taco. All it ever wanted to do was to fill my stomach with Mexican goodness. Oh, I know how that poor taco feels. Oh, no. A Chuck Norris doll. He's coming to kill me, his creator!"
16. Warning: Kryptonite does not effect him. Maybe mayo or super glue or the yellow stuff that you put on hotdogs because that would be more effective.
15. Don't put in washing machine as doll will stain other clothes.
17. Don't put in dryer as heat will make him grow bigger.
18. Dont' vacuum doll as it is a doll and not meant to be sucked up in a vacuum.
19. These warnings are all a figment of your imagination or the upper left compartment of your brain.
20. Don't abuse the atomic kung fu action grip.
21. Well, that's it. We just wanted an odd number of warnings so we put in 21.
Doll has been sold on E-Bay for the amount of "more than your life" to "peanut".