Church of Scatology
“The biggest pile of shite I have ever had the misfortune to come across”
The Church of Scatology is the one true church. It was founded on most holy of days, Remalat the 20th in the 51st Glorious Year of Narconon. The Most Holy of Churches was founded when The Prophet Remalat first read from The Holy Scriptures in the main auditorium of the University of Lancelot the Redeemer.
Beliefs and practices
The main belief of the Church of Scatology is that scat is the mouthpiece of Narconon. Scatologiests attempt to find hidden messages in their scat. These messages are normally found through investigation of the shape, smell, and consistency of the scat, as tracked over time. The easiest way for Scatologiests to track patterns in their scat over time is through preserving the scat. This is where the Church of Scatology helps out its patrons.
In the basement of every Church is a large vault, with a compartment for each patron of that Church. Scatologiests carry their scat to these underground scat vaults on a weekly basis. The high priest of each church spends everyday of the week except for Friday, which is the day of prayers, in the vault making detailed notes on the scat of his patron Scatologiests.
Due to the differences in the beliefs of Scatologiests from the rest of the human population, the Church of Scatology has designed its own calendar. This calendar makes things much easier for Scatologiests, as well as other members of society. For instance the Scatological Calendar has no need for leap years. Instead of including an extra day at the end of Febraury, the Scatologiest have added a thirteenth month to their calendar. This new month comes after Samu (the twelfth month), and is named Heike. The thing that makes Heike so unique though is that it only has one quarter of day in it. The thirteen months of the Scatological calendar are as follows: Remalat, Boudewijn, Nebojsa, Estebe, Pétur, Sroel, Bittor, Lior, Djordje, Milan, Mateja, Samu, Heike. The months are named after the thirteen major saints of Scatology. Years are measured by the Scatologists as having begun on the day that St. Ramalat was born, and instead of years, they are measured in "Glorious Years of Narconon".
There are three ways to become a saint of The Church of Scatology. The first way is to have sex with St. Remalat, but seeing as St. Remalat is 300 years old, very few people have acquired sainthood in this manner. The second way is to speak to Narconon. Since Narconon is a lonely god, he will talk to anyone who wishes to speak with him, and thus this is the most common method of ataining sainthood. The third and last method of attaining sainthood is to die for The Church of Scatology. Currently the only saint to attain sainthood in this manner is St. Estebe, who drowned during a earthquake that caused a rupture in his scat vault.
The Church of Scatology provides its members with a handy "Table of Saints" card:
|St. Remalat||Is the founder of Scatology.|
|St. Boudewijn||Has written 154 sonnets about scat.|
|St. Nebojsa||Is the only German saint.|
|St. Estebe||Died for The Church.|
|St. Pétur||Reads "Where The Wild Things Are" too his scat.|
|St. Sroel||Is sexually attracted to Narconon.|
|St. Bittor||Once killed a man with scat alone.|
|St. Lior||Is African.|
|St. Djordje||Hates mustard.|
|St. Milan||Has never visited Milan.|
|St. Mateja||Loves naked rhinos.|
|St. Samu||Is a chess grand master.|
|St. Heike||Is a jedi master.|