Church of the Holy and Ancient Yellowing Turnip

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The Church is centered around a turnip, discovered 453 years ago at the bottom of the Dead Sea. It was found in an ornate and mysterious box, which also contained writings, detailing the route to peace and tranquility in one's soul through the steadfast pursuit of Turnips.


The Teachings Of The Church[edit]

Only through the pursuit of root vegetables, and the pursuit of perfect growing conditions for all root vegetables, can we find salvation and a perfect world. The root vegetable is the most important item on the planet, and should be treated with respect, gratitude and gravy. But only the finest stock gravy. The church's most valuable possession is The Holy And Ancient Yellowing Turnip. When the turnip was discovered, it was a lush, rewarding purple colour. Now, time has changed it to a yellow, cracked heap. The Church fears this represents the decline of root vegetables in our society, and if the turnip were ever to perish, that would be the end of healthy eating. And the world.

The Rules Of The Church[edit]

  • DO: Listen to the music of the great and holy Alicia Keys.
  • DO: Treat others as you would treat the root vegetables on which you rely for sustenance.
  • DO: Assume that others, like the root vegetable, remain hidden, until pulled into the light of the Church and its teachings.
  • DO: Be wary of potato rot.
  • DO NOT: Listen to the evil Tamia music.
  • DO NOT: Allow the root vegetables to witness you in an unclothed or indecent state, as this shall corrupt the earthy goodness you derive from them. Remember, all potatos have eyes.
  • DO NOT: Neglect your root vegetables, for the tender care of them shall result in the thriving of those around you, be they person or vegetable.
  • DO NOT: Negelect other vegetables as you engender to gain the favour the the Holy and Ancient Yellowing Turnip, for the Turnip sees all, and will be displeased.
  • DO NOT: Neglect the voices of your root vegetables, for though they be distant and underground, they speak only the truth.
  • DO NOT: Neglect the benefits of chemical assistance in enjoying your root vegetables.


Gaining Access To The Church[edit]

When one has accepted one must devote one's life to the root vegetable, then access to the church can be gained at any of the Five Centres Of Root Vegetable Excellence, located throughout the UK and Europe.

1.Democratic Republic Of Sunshine Mediocrity - The home of the Holy and Ancient Yellowing Turnip, and Richard Blackwood. Here you can learn from the best about the most important aspects of the Church, and help to tend the giant Turnip Fields, as this vegetable is prized above all.
2. Doncaster - Here the potato specialists perfect their art. Among cutting edge technology, you will learn the fine art of Potato Verification.
3. Aachen - Aachen operates a rigorous policy of Radish Accustomisation before moving on to the more difficult root vegetables. This is a gentle monastery, for monks interested in tending the fields of the less challenging root vegetables, and a life of quiet contemplation.
4. The Isle Of Arran - Here live the secretive Carrot Monks. Little is known about their obscure sect, apart from their taste for carrots. Here a monk can learn the extrodinary secrets of the Carrot.
5. Sicily - Otherwise known as "Isle O' The Parsnips", here a strict parsnip-only policy is in force, excluding all other root vegetables.

By going into any of these centres, you may join up as a novice monk. Some, preferring the quiet monks life, stay on as Novice Masters, others work their way up the church, to positions such as Cardinal Of The Golden Carrot Of Ishkar or the Archbishop of Parsnip-Related Matters, or even to Grand Master Of The Holy Turnip Procession, a ceremony conducted only twice a year, in the dark of night, beneath The Holy Owl Of Kazlor Who Eats Only Potatos Grown In The Secret Garden Of Goltan, or "Hooty" for short.