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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Cingular.

Cingular is a cell-phone company that uses the revolutionary power of the singularity of a black hole. They have been widely noted for this fact.


The history of Cingular, from birth to death, was filled with strife, conflict, sex, drugs, spaceships, black holes, and tesla coils. Please take a moment of silence to remember their glory before continuing this article. Thank you.

Humble Beginnings[edit]

Cingular was founded in 1862 by John D. Rockefeller. It is important to note this fact as it was his first important business venture, eventually setting himself up to form the Standard Oil Company. In 1915, on the brink of the United States entry into World War I, Rockefeller left the company to take on the more lucrative oil business full time. This left Cingular at a crisis; without an owner, what would they do?

The Gates Era[edit]

Well, the simple fact is they did absolutely nothing. That's right, I shit you not. The board of executives meditated for weeks until, on the brink of starvation, they received help. Once Gates had taken over Cingular, he revolutionized the company. He increased the company dividend by 500% through thrifty savings, layoffs, and cutthroat business practices. For the next 60 years, the company was generating enormous profit. This prosperity did not last long, however. In the 1980's, Bill Gates left the company, like his predecessor, to take over the more lucrative Microsoft company.

Conflict and Takeover[edit]

Once again faced with a crisis, the company elected a new CEO, named Anon. Anon was a curious person by many means; he would often seem to be an entirely different person whenever he would open his mouth. However, he revolutionized the company by enacting a policy of creating space stations around black holes. This caused the company to skyrocket in stocks. The company then invested this profit into financing Coke's faction in the Cola Wars. Once Coke won, the Cingular company was in trouble. The company had lost Over 90% of its profit. In the early 2000's, AT&T took over the company, ruining it.

Cingular Today[edit]

Cingular as a company does not exist today. After the takeover, AT&T runs the company. However, there are some remnants of their monuments, like that of the Egyptian pyramids. If you log onto various video-hosting websites, you can still find their commercials, advertising 10 cent per minute rates. Some people even have phones from the company, although they do not connect to the network of space stations containing black holes. The space stations are not longer there, either; they were taken down by AT&T to create a huge network of telephone wire and cell phone towers. The money also financed their takeover of many companies.

Power Systems[edit]

Cingular functioned rather revolutionarily. There were plans in the grand ol' days of following through with Nikola Tesla's idea of installing Tesla Coils around the earth for wireless electricity. Alas, this was not to be. Then, like a shot of lightening, an idea hit them! Harness the immense power of black holes!


The major achievement that Cingular is known for is the harnessing of the energy emitted from a Black Hole. The way they did this was by encasing the general area in stainless steel and shining a small lightbulb into an opening. Solar panels modified to collect hawking radiation would be lining the area. Basically, the light would reflect all around the stainless steel, and as it was absorbed into the hole, a small amount of hawking radiation would be emitted. This radiation would then be reflected back, and it would come out again. This went on exponentially. When the radiation reached critical mass and threatened to destroy the sphere, the stainless steel would be removed so that the solar panels could collect the radiation. This radiation would then be condensed into battery form and shipped to Earth.

Involvement in Cola Wars[edit]

Cingular was heavily critisized for financing Coca-Cola's success in the cola wars. This has been a greatly debated subject. Some people think that Cingular was given enough stainless steel from recycled cans by the comapny. The key event in the wars, the Pepsi Challenge ultimatum, is said to have been the result of a bribe by the Cingular executives. While the involvement is not clear, the important thing to note is that Cingular did not possess the technology or the resources to created massive spheres until the Cola Wars began, and that Coke did not possess radios until an alleged deal with Cingular. Decide for yourself. The truth is out there.

Did you know?[edit]

  • A freighter carrying batteries was responsible for Roswell?
  • The energy collected in one second was worth more money than all of your organs?
  • An average battery cost 50 cents at the time of Cingular's golden age?
  • Cingular employed 15,000 people in 1988?
  • AT&T Sold every sphere for scrap metal?
  • There were a total of 42 spheres in place one month prior to AT&T's buyout of Cingular?
  • AT&T doesn't want you to know the contents of this article?
  • AT&T employs assasins to keep from spreading this inf\xokfjrtfrtg Disregard that.

See also[edit]

Related Link:

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