Cintas

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Votes for deletion This article is being considered for deletion in accordance with Uncyclopedia's deletion policy.

This page may not fit in Uncyclopedia, or may not be funny with little chance for redemption.
Please share your thoughts on the matter at this article's entry on the Votes for deletion page.

Bouncywikilogo5.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Cintas.

The Priory of Cintas (more casually referred to simply as Cintas) is a a monotheistic religion and philosophy based on The Ways of Cintas as presented in the The Book of Cintas. Followers, or Uniform People, believe that all answers to life lie in the Cintas name and the powerful energy behind it.

History[edit]

Cintas began its front as a company in 1929 as the Acme Industrial Laundry Company by The Great Richard (Doc) Farmer, a circus prizefighter. He collected chemical-soaked rags from factories and washed and returned them for a fee. His grandson, The Revered Richard T. Farmer, joined the family "business" in 1956 after graduating from Miami University in Oxford, Ohio. In the decades to follow, the business bought itself into markets such as First Aid and Safety, Document Management, Fire Protection, and Facility Services.

The religious following remained underground and primarily within a small cult in and around greater Cincinnati until 2008. It was then that two prophets at a Taco Bell parking lot in Florida brought its teachings into mainstream America as more than a company, but a way of life. While initially, the following raised questions such as "What the hell is Cintas?" and "Don't they drive around in trucks that say The Uniform People?", it quickly picked up force. In 2009, many celebrity Scientologists such as Tom Cruise and Pat Robertson converted to the ways of Cintas.

Practice[edit]

Much of the philosophy and ways of Cintas are left to its loyal followers. Its teachings can be found in The Book of Cintas. This sacred text is decoded from quarterly uniform and safety product catalogs from the company.

The Call[edit]

The Call of Cintas (or The CallTas) is possibly the most powerful form of worship. It consists of a verbal recitation of the name Cintas, and can be done in many ways. Lifelong followers can often be found shouting "Cintas!" to crowds at sporting events, malls, etc. However, in certain places, a quiet and somber "Cintas" is appropriate. Many feel they can become closer to The EnergyTas by calling Cintas in groups.

There are also ways to properly write out a Cintas. When writing Cintas alone, the proper spelling is "cintAs" (with a capital A). However, when modifying a Cintas, the T should be capitalized. An example would be when one is on a train, doing a "trainTas"; visiting the dentist, they may have "gengiviTas"; or when vacationing in Georgia, they may pass through "AtlanTas". It is also the sincerest form of kindness to greet someone with a Cintas, as it is believed to wish them good luck in their day.

The Sighting[edit]

Cintas brings its energy and ways to the people in the form of trucks driven by Oracles. These workvans, with large blue stylized "cintAs" letters on their sides posses unknown amounts of positive energy. It is proper for one to deliver a powerful and robust verbal Cintas upon one of these sightings.

Holy Sites[edit]

There are a few holy sites, appropriate for religious worship. There are a number of sanctuaries in the form of Cintas offices and distribution centers around the country. The Farmer School of Business, named for The Great Richard T Farmer, on the campus of Miami University, is a site where scholars aspiring to learn the ways of Cintas study and meditate. The Mecca for followers is located in Mason, Ohio in the form of the corporate headquarters of Cintas.

The Dark Sorcerers[edit]

Sadly, there exists an evil movement against Cintas. The Dark Sorcerers operating as Aramark are an evil uniform and food service company based in Philadelphia. When sighting an Aramark truck, it is most proper to deliver a forceful verbal Cintas, in hopes to ward off evil energy. Aramark employees appear masked and should be avoided at all cost.