“They're round and shit.”
“When all else fails, draw a circle.”
Circles are overrated shapes that appear too frequently in high school geometry textbooks. They were put in there as a part of the Civil Rights Movement, in addition to how chocolate ice cream sales skyrocketed in the mid 70's and how textbooks must include names like "Quaxime," "Mikhail," and "Shashni."
The first circle was invented by God on the ninth day of creation (after the First Sabbath and circumcision of the world). It is the most pointless shape that exists, which is including the shapes we as humans have not yet discovered. For example, the flang and the oop (alternately ühp) and all the shapes in the 2nd and 5th dimensions.
A circle is circular. No doubt about it. It's perfectly round (except for flangs, oops, and those of the Brandt set (below)). The second edition of the circle was made in 1841 by Japanese architect Michael Jackson, who wanted to make a cornerless room. The third edition of the circle came out in 1939, when it got rounder because France Version 4.1 said so. The copyright for the circle was later stolen by Spanish artist Pablo Picasso for use in his modern art. He sold it to the MoMA in New York for $50 million in 1967, as he realized the art movement he created needed more than straight lines, primary colors, and blank canvas.
Sometimes called "circles gone wild," there is no end to the list. Here are a few:
The Brandt Set
Variations on the circle include the Brandt Circle, invented by an art teacher at Hoople University of Northern South Dakota. This shape consists of an oval, with squiggly parts on the X axis. He invented the Brandt Sphere two years later, which the New York Times described as "a rotten tomato gone...rotten." In 1994, Brandt Planet entered the Oxford English dictionary as: a planet that was meant to be spherical, but later evolved
- a cancerous tumor
- a sag
- a wormhole from the north pole to the south pole for use of penguins, Coca Cola bears, Nazi war criminals en route to Argentina, American tourists, et cetera
Four-sided (metasyntactic variable needed)
This type of a circle is a circle with straight edges. Four of them. In fact, these are so common they have special formulas. Some even call them squares. But people in the early ages that called them squares were burned as witches.
On Drawing a Circle
Drawing a circle is really hard. So hard its almost impossible. In fact, nobody can perfectly draw one of these things. That's why we invented drinking glasses and curling stones. So when you see a perfectly drawn circle, be sure to thank any round object in sight. Because nobody likes a screwed-up circle. Not even its own mother.
Misshapen circles are mass produced daily and are often treated like crap. Every week the United States alone disposes of 16 million badly drawn circles. That's a heck of a lot! But because misery loves company circles aren't alone. Other abused and abandoned shapes include the diangle, the heart, the squiggle, and the zigzag. The reason there are so many abused shapes in the world is because it is so #%@!& difficult to make a perfect shape. According to United States law, a circle must be drawn perfectly to be formally recognized. I'd like to make it clear that there is nothing wrong about abandoned shapes, other than that they look ugly and are useless.
How to Help an Abandoned Circle
There are many ways to help an abandoned circle. One can donate to numerous charities, mostly math departments at universities and religious organizations. Check out your local church or synagogue, or visit a university to see how you can help. Remember, it is never too early to help out an abandoned circle. Organizations include:
- The Hoople University of Northern South Dakota Circle Charity
- The Hoople University of Southern North Dakota's "Most Likely to Succeed Fund"
- The Mother Theresa Home for Abused Shapes
- Pope Benedict XVI's Imperfect Circle Fund
- The Mandelbrot Broken Circle (and/or nose) Society
- The Abandoned Circle Home of Conservative Judaism
- BASE Jumping for Underprivileged Circles, Shapes, Janitors, Abortions, Discarded Embryos and/or Fetuses, and Washed up Gumby Impersonators LLC. (BASEJFUPCSJADEAOFAWUGI LLC.)
- The Antarctic Refuge for Underprivileged Circles, Shapes, Janitors, Abortions, Discarded Embryos and/or Fetuses, and Washed up Gumby Impersonators LLC. (TARFNNFUPCSJADEAOFAWUGI LLC.)
- The "Oh, we can raise more money for Underprivileged Circles, Shapes, Janitors, Abortions, Discarded Embryos and/or Fetuses, and Washed up Gumby Impersonators than the Gates' can for people, Underprivileged Circles, Shapes, Janitors, Abortions, Discarded Embryos and/or Fetuses, and Washed up Gumby Impersonators" LLC. (TOWCRMMFUPCSJADEAOFAWUGITTGCFPUPCSJADEAOFAWUGI LLC.)
- The Semi-Human Group: BASE Jumping Division
- The United States of America Internal Affairs Department
- The NEW Iraq
- The "Everybody's Spare Change is Charity Fund"
- The Home for Underprivileged Circles, Shapes, Janitors, Abortions, Discarded Embryos and/or Fetuses, and Washed up Gumby Impersonators LLC. (THFUPCSJADEAOFAWUGI LLC.)