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Two cittens playing with each other, keeping the eye beams and destruction to a lower level.

Cittens, not to be confused with kittens, are typically deadly animals ready to kill at a moment's notice, or by appointment. Their similar size and cuteness level to the typical kitten has made numerous victims of unsuspecting cat lovers. Petting and ingesting are not recommended. Keep out of reach of bite-size children, and do not leave near an open flame.

It is interesting to note[citation needed] that although the citten population has doubled in size twice since 1990, the number of sightings remains around zero. Some theorists argue that the citten's amazing ability to blend in with its surroundings is at work here, while others insist the reason has much more to do with the high fatality rate of those coming in contact with cittens.

Essential Information[edit]

Cittens can expand up to 15 feet high, breathe fire and read minds when provoked, and the adults typically sport a good set of eye beams. Typically they run on size D batteries, but this is not necessarily true; some reports say that smaller cittens make use of AA batteries and a rare breed runs purely on pwnage.

Should one come into contact with a citten, one may be considered already finished. Contact is not recommended, even for a brief pet, no matter how much it may try to convince you. If one needs to defend oneself against a citten, it is highly recommended one use an ordinary spray bottle.

Be aware that a citten is not likely to eat you if no utensils are available, and almost certainly not if there is no napkin. Cittens typically like to be neat about their devouring.

Citten without a napkin.

Citten Fighting[edit]

Citten fighting is a highly illegal sport worldwide, which makes it one of the most popular games to play. Using various safety precautions (oven mitts, fire extinguishers, first aid kits, lawyers), two people set cittens down into a completely enclosed dome and let them battle over a target, usually a bag of catnip. Often people take bets on which citten is going to win, and what method of attack will fell its opponent. Usually consumption is the safest route, particularly if packs of ketchup are provided.

Discovery and Background[edit]

Only recently has the discovery of cittens been looked into. At first, nothing was found, and the people doing the research were encouraged to look harder, with a pair of glasses if necessary.

Eventually the story boiled down to this: A single scientist, working late one night, huffed a kitten he had snuck into the lab. It was a very odd sort of kitten — mostly, kittens do not gnaw through limbs nearly as quickly as the scientist soon discovered — but the unlucky man gave it a huff anyway. He was found dead the next morning. The autopsy revealed the cause of death to be extreme levels of poison in his bloodstream, and suggested that the lack of a right leg may also have had something to do with it. The citten cleaned up well after itself, even washing its dishes in the nearest sink.

With that single attack, the entire world of science focused on the mysterious realm of cittens, for about 48 hours until it decided to get back to curing cancer and disproving God and the whole bit that proper science is supposed to do.

Citten Techniques[edit]

Citten have many techniqes for killing humans, and any other unfortunate creature that comes into contact with a citten. A technique often favoured is draining the victim of blood until they shrivel up like a prune. Other techniques used are:

  • Dismemberment
  • Burning
  • Staring until the victim dies of terror/fright and turns into a statue


Much like bees, if one does not provoke a citten, the citten will not kill. Still, avoiding cittens at all costs (usually in American dollars or Mexican tacos) is essential to survival. Scientists predict that within the next decade the population of cittens will begin to decrease, and within the next two decades, Anti kitten huffing activeists will start demanding laws protecting them.