Civil war the second
How it all began...
“Mmmm...Beaver Jerky! Nothing better”
“I'll be frank with you...I don't like the idea of being eaten. So yeah, I can get behind why the Montana beavers don't either. Of course, here in Narnia we don't have problems like that. Of course there are the Witches and invading armies. So it all balances out I guess.”
“To be honest, I always assumed beavers were a figment of my imagination. And that makes it okay.”
During the New Twenties, Montana was the first and foremost exporter of beaver based products. However, Congress imposed an embargo on Montana's beaver exportation, resulting in increasing hostility. Finally, in 2037, Montana seceded from the Union, taking with it its massive oil reserves, home-grown hospitality, and of course it's steady stream of beaver jerky. Current President Felcher declared a state of emergency. Where else would those tourist hippies from California go during the summer?
Montana's first move was to annex Canada, the Dakotas, and Alaska. These areas, desensitized by years of boredom, amicably agreed. General elections were held throughout the Montanan territories, and by the end of the week, new president Robert Dwyer was sworn in. In the space of two months, the Montana senate convened and named the new nation Montanida.
Intervention of USSS
Coincidentally, or maybe not, the Soviets invaded almost simultaneously. The Soviet Union had been revamped again with a new format by dicatator Piotr Ofialov, though this time under the new, "hip" moniker Union of Soviet Socialist States, or USSS. (Imagine a snake trying to say "us" : "Ussss...") All the other countries simply called them the Union of Soviet Socialist Stupidity, resulting in a deep Soviet grudge against everything. And I mean everything.
Anyways, Premier Ofialov had married a charming Montana girl, so naturally he intervened on Montanida's behalf. The unsuspecting armies of the Union were nearly overwhelmed by hoardes of Soviet armies. It was a dire situation indeed.
The War Progresses
“Well, it started out as a 'Civil War'. And besides, 'World War' was trademarked by Paramount at the time, and overused anyways. The public wanted something new and fresh, so we gave it to them.”
The Union was in a state of chaos. Few soldiers were registering, so Secretary of Defense Billary Clinton resorted to an old campaign plan and declared slavery legal once again in the southern states, hoping for a surge of new recruits. President Felcher learned of Billary's rash move, and executed him/her on the spot. Alas, it was too late.
Instead the South, feeling high and mighty, also seceded. They called themselves the New Confederate Independent States, or NCIS. CBS sued, and the South had to change their name to the Dixie Chicks. The South declared its interest in simply being addressed as "The South."
“I'll be honest with you...Not only did they have no right to use NCIS as their name, New Confederate Independent States simply was not phonetically pleasing.”
The South's first move was to call upon the Justice League to defend it, until they remembered that the Justice League had been banished to Purgatory for all eternity by the New World Order's leader, Chris Hansen. Ironically, it was the south's majority vote in the matter that condemned the League to banishment. Thier first strategy in shambles, the South quickly went to Plan B.
“Goddamn Justice League and their goddamn n***** Green Lantern!!!”
“Why the f*** am I a superhero anyways? Earth can go to hell, hell, hell for all I f****** care! F****** douchbags.”
“That's what I've been saying all along!”
The south revealed their doomsday device, the Incredible Edible Egg. So terrifying was the egg that even the South was afraid to unleash its full destructive potential. Yet they knew they had to, for if they did not, their way of life would be destroyed.
The day the Egg was unleashed remains infamous to this day, though no one can really remember the exact date. All the same, it remains infamous.
“I was the one who saw it first. It looked harmless, just like a little ol' chicken egg. No chicken ain't ever hurt anyone I ever knew. Anyways, this egg, it starts to glow, and suddenly it burst open, and what do you know, nothing happened.”
Why didn't the Egg work? No one knows. Then again, no one knows why it should have worked in the first place. Some scientists argue that the glowing indicated something was working, but others write this off as the overexcited reactions of bystanders.
The fantastically awful flop of the Egg was the straw that broke the Southern camel's back. The South conceded defeat and rejoined the Union. Historians now believe this a wise decision. Though the South had had reinstated slavery, they had been working so hard that they didn't have the time to form a working slavery system. (See the article on "Irony" for more information.) Not only that, but no willing party was willing to become the new slavery class, which perplexed the south to no end.
President Felcher takes Action
“I have always been a firm believer in the breaking of paradigms. And General Tate, Battlefield Linebacker, though unconventional, is a great addition to Team USA. To be honest, I wish I had ten Terry Tates.”
Desperate to turn the tide of the war, President Felcher promoted Terry Tate from Office Lineback to General Terry Tate, Battlefield Linebacker. It proved to be a wise decision. Tate, half a ton of pure beastliness, possessed the power to vanquish enemies by simply giving them his patented "I will kill you" look, upon which they would die. Using his bare fists, he ripped the turret off of a tank and obliterated an entire enemy column with it.
Like a hurricane he carved a bloody swathe through the ranks of Soviets and Montanidans. Finally, at the Battle of Rocky Butte, General Tate met the Montanidan's champion, Paul P. Bunyan, in single combat. It was sadly a very lopsided battle. Paul after all was sixty feet tall, wielded a six ton axe, and rode about on a blue ox the size of a battleship.
Felcher was desperate. He contacted his allies fro
As Nuclear Armeggedon seemed inevitable, intervention from above came. Not God. Oh no, it was ALIENS! Why they came, no one knew, until it was discovered that President Johnson was one of them!!!!! Suprisingly a conspiracy theory somewhat like that had circulated years earlier about Royal Family, but was passed of as a rumor. (In all actuality, the Royal family is reptilian aliens, mortal enemies of Johnson's more mammalian type). So now it was a 4-way. Johnson's wife, Oprah Winfrey, Ron Burgundy and the Pope. No, actually it was Aliens and America vs Aliens and Europe vs Montana and Russia vs the South.
As the South quickly sank beneath the Atlantic, due to nuclear bombs, the US looked poised for a large push into Montussia. That was until radiation from their own nuclear bombs mutated them in to a zombie horde. This is reenacted in Dawn of the Dead, where the the Montanans who were stuck out of Montussia defend themselves against all comers. The end is changed though, because the President didn't want the nation to see him and his troops fail so badly against such small numbers.
Meanwhile, the aliens were having a tea party in Britain, content to let the puny humans duke it out. The Montanans saw this, got pissed.