Clara Bow

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Template:Sexy Article

Call Her Savage was a film in which Clara Bow actually talks. It would be her last film.

“She very much reminded me of a young Groucho Marx, with his 'tashe painted in the wrong place. That led to a few funny moments, I can tell you!”

~ Noel Coward on Clara Bow

“She may be more dead than I am, but she's not nearly as sexy as I was! Can you see me, Melinda Gordon? ”

~ Marilyn Monroe on Clara Bow

Clara Bow is the dead "IT girl". She was such a sexy person, and the sexiest Hollywood star whose movies you have never seen. Much like Marilyn Monroe, only more animated and then more dead.

Clara Bow was a flapper (whatever that means, was she a bird?) and Hollywood's original and cutest female sex symbol. Actually its second, but you never hear of Lillian Gish anymore, who was portrayed as a little girl you'd like to cuddle.

Clara's movies are hardly ever shown today, so you might want to share-file them or ask your great-grandparents if you want to know more about her. She was your great-grandpa's dream girl. In fact, if he's still alive he still loves her, certainly more than he loved your old hook-nosed great granny, and still masturbates to her films. If he can.

Bottom-line, of the opening section: Like all the old-timey people know, Clara Bow is very sexy.

Personal Life and Career[edit]

Clara is reputed to only have had three loves in her life, the Army, the Navy and the Marines.
Decades later, the sexy Clara Bow legend lives on.

You don't even want to know. Read the tragic wikipedia entry or watch a creepy David Lynch movie, if you must. Basically, she was born with nothing, not even any clothes on her back. She was a failed abortion to a crazy whore and incestuous father somewhere in New York. From here she began her acting career, and soon her trademark eyebrows and babydoll pout becoming famous worldwide.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] Fap fap fap.

Hit after hit followed in the Golden Era of the Silver Screen, with Clara becoming a global phenomenon. Every girl wanted to be her and ever boy wanted to be in her. When a young USC Football player named Marion Morrison wanted to lose his virginity, he didn't waste it on a $2 hooker! No, he walked six miles in the blinding sun to seek out Clara Bow, and while she welcomed him into her arms, the tryst was interrupted by the police! "Bub," a lawyer told him, "keep quiet about this and remember, you're no John, just tell them your name is Wayne". Thus the "Duke" helped to keep Clara out of the pokey and got a little nookie in return.

Clara went on making dozens of movies. She was the talk of the town and the bee's knees of the film industry. Then, at the height of her career, some do-good technofreak invented The Talkies and the shit hit Hollywood's fan.

John Gilbert, Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd, Vilma Banky, and even Little Mary Miles Minter were all out of work. Yes, the camera loved their faces, but each had a voice that only a dog could hear. Over the crude recording equipment of the early talkie era the men all sounded very fey, and the women all sounded gummy and thick. Before you could blink an eye, lots of stars fell from the sky and were ruined, and from then on only traveled the road to drink and destruction. Variety called it the The Day that the Cat Got Hollywood's Tongue.

And so then there was Clara. Poor petulant Clara. So ripe, so firm, so fully packed and unfortunately, from Brooklyn. Her speaking voice resembled the sound of Chico Marx scratching a weasel down a chalkboard. No director wanted that voice in a movie, let alone coming out of a mouth of a broad like Clara. In six months she went from "The IT Girl" to "The Most Annoying thing in the whole wide world Girl."

“You have the right to remain silent.”

~ The Police on Clara Bow's Speaking Voice

With her career in tatters, and her image surviving only as Betty Boop, a cartoon mock-up of Clara but one with a pleasant speaking voice (fap fap fap), Clara spent the remainder of her life caring for orphaned kittens on her palatial Malibu estate. Then Clara became schizophrenic and was shock-therapied to death.

Dating Status[edit]

Clara is dead. Real dead. Don't even think about digging her up. Even if you're some crazed necrophiliac, she's probably fully decomposed and disappeared by now, or at the very least quite icky. Besides I've heard rumours that Lillian Gish is still hot and up for it.


  • Beyond the Rainbow (1922) - So, The Wizard of Oz song is a rip-off!
  • Down to the Sea in Ships (1922) - And down to her sea in slips.
  • Enemies of Women (1923) - Men. Duh. And yeast.
  • The Daring Years (1923) - From the time she was 12 until she died.
  • Maytime (1923) - Next February's babytime.
  • Black Oxen (1923) - Politically incorrect film starring Clara and a team of black guys.
  • Grit (1924) - Clara Bow's first western, the film that inspired True Grit.
  • Poisoned Paradise (1924) - A documentary about date-rape drugs.
  • Daughters of Pleasure (1924) - Clara's first porno film, co-starring her dad.
  • Wine (1924) - Clara drinks on screen, and works in a tasting room.
  • Empty Hearts (1924) - And heads.
  • Helen's Babies (1924) - Stephen King's Rosemary's Baby was the highly anticipated sequel to this horror film.
  • This Woman (1924) - Does that guy.
  • Black Lightning (1924) - Co-starring Mr. Bojangles as Clara's love thunder.
  • Capital Punishment (1925) - The highly controversial courtroom documentary, which has forever changed our society.
  • The Adventurous Sex (1925) - Women. And who represents women? Clara!
  • Eve's Lover (1925) - And Adam's three-way.
  • The Lawful Cheater (1925) - Still gets your hands broken in Vegas.
  • The Scarlet West (1925) - Clara Bow and Mae West star in the film based on the classic book The Scarlet Letter.
  • My Lady's Lips (1925) - Clara Bow kisses a girl. And likes it!
  • Parisian Love (1925) - Clara's French exploitation film.
  • Kiss Me Again (1925) - Clara Bow kisses her lover... again.
  • The Keeper of the Bees (1925) - Clara Bow as a beekeeper gets stung by love's arrow.
  • The Primrose Path (1925) - Clara leads men down it. Some women follow.
  • Free to Love (1925) - Everybody in the day masturbated to this film. Most still do!
  • The Best Bad Man (1925) - They take turns to see who Bow chooses as the winner.
  • The Plastic Age (1925) - Clara Bow has plastic surgery. Then dildos make their appearance.
  • The Ancient Mariner (1925) - Bow gets her grandpa fetish freak on.
  • My Lady of Whims (1925) - Sexy title for this documentary about steel production in Iowa.
  • Dance Madness (1926) - This film is considered to be the predecessor of disco.
  • Shadow of the Law (1926) - Shadowpuppets of the lawbreakers.
  • Two Can Play (1926) - One can watch.
  • Dancing Mothers (1926) - About the dangers of dancing while pregnant.
  • Fascinating Youth (1926) - Child porn at its finest.
  • The Runaway (1926) - Clara Bow goes emo and runs away from home.
  • Mantrap (1926) - Clara Bow and her flapper girlfriends build a device to trap men.
  • Kid Boots (1926) - Clara Bow has small feet.
  • It (1927) - The people's favorite!!!
  • Children of Divorce (1927) - Another highly controversial courtroom documentary, which has forever changed our society.
  • Rough House Rosie (1927) - This film is considered to have inspired modern female wrestling.
  • Wings (1927) - Clara Bow the flapper. Near the end she dresses like a goose.
  • Hula (1927) - Bow, playing Gidget, goes Hawaiian. The first surfing movie.
  • A Trip Through the Paramount Studio (1927) - a short subject in which Bow continually trips on rakes. Funny as hell.
  • Get Your Man (1927) - And she does, believe me.
Red Hair (1928)
  • Red Hair (1928) - Does the carpet match the drapes?
  • Ladies of the Mob (1928) - Clara Bow becomes a gangsta'.
  • The Fleet's In (1928) - Clara stars in another porno showcasing her multiple penetration skills.
  • Three Weekends (1928) - This porno actually has a storyline.
  • Hollywood Snapshots #11 (1929) - A short subject about a photo album.
  • The Wild Party (1929) - Clara Bow has a wild orgy and drinks lots of booze.
  • Dangerous Curves (1929) - Clara's body is endlessly explored.
  • The Saturday Night Kid (1929) - Another breakthru child porn fantasy.
  • Paramount on Parade (1930) - Just a long parade of elephants and clowns and Clara.
  • True to the Navy (1930) - Yep, the entire Navy.
  • Love Among the Millionaires (1930) - A prostitute's goldmine. Filmed in Vegas.
  • Her Wedding Night (1930) - Clara Bow marries a lemur. Her first beastiality pic.
  • No Limit (1931) - And no waiting.
  • Kick In (1931) - She was petering out about here.
  • Call Her Savage (1932) - Clara Bow becomes a mass murderer, based on her real-life story.
  • Hoop-La (1933) - Clara jumps thru hoops as men watch.

See Also[edit]

The It Girl playing Cousin It

External Links[edit]

The Clara Bow Page