Claremont Colleges

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Claremont Coleges
ASU Logo
Motto Booze n' Shmooze!
Established A real long time ago. Look at all our ivy, we're special!.
School type Private school
Head Laura Scandalous Trombley
Location Claremont, California, USA
Campus Smogville, CA
Endowment $31,337
Faculty 88 Republicans, 88 Liberals.
Mascot A lavalamp (PZ), a herd of frigid lesbians (SC), a snake attacking a puma (CMC), a snooty guy having tea time (PO), a calculator with a skin problem (HMC).


The Claremont Colleges is a consortium of seven colleges located in Claremont, California. It is most famous for Claremont McKenna College, the "That college from animal house...Ithaca?" of the West, and equally infamous for its Pomona Community College, the Harvard Junior High School of the West. Pomona is not to be confused with the higher-ranked Cal Poly Pomona nearby. The other Colleges include Scripps, the sandy vagina capital of the academic world; Harvey Mudd, haven to klingon speakers and DDR athletes; Pitzer, 60's hippie-commune turned crack-neighborhood, Claremont Graduate University, the Drucker Fan Club; and the Keck Graduate Institute, the academic arm of the Pharmaceuticals Industry.

The Claremont Colleges were founded in 1301 by Harvey P. Claremont, the sole occupant and tyrant of the infamous Inland Empire. With an enrollment of only one person--himself--beer pong was unexciting for the first six hundred years at the Claremont Colleges.


Notable Alumni of the Claremont Colleges[edit]

  • CMC: Richie Rich.
  • CMC: Tyra Banks.
  • CMC: Oxen, the worst kid ever.
  • CMC: A lot of guys who wish they were at CMC when Tyra Banks was there.
  • CMC: Everyone involved in ruining the World. ever.
  • CMC: That free-spirited lad who crashed a golf cart into Collins Dining Hall, got kicked out, and became a famous Oscar-winning comedian
  • Scripps: US President Mackenzie Allen
  • Scripps: Phyllis Schafley
  • Harvey Mudd: Bill Gates (went here after dropping out of Harvard)
  • Harvey Mudd: Anonymous Linux Developer #31,337
  • Pitzer: This guy who drank, like, a whole bottle of Two Buck Chuck in freaking thirty seconds.
  • Pitzer: Dennis Kucinich
  • Pomona: This guy who drank, like, a whole bottle of Montrachet 1978 from Domaine de la RomanĂ©e-Conti in freaking thirty seconds.
  • Pomona: 47
  • Pomona: That guy who puffed cigar continuously and pontificated on modern application of ancient political theories for twelve weeks straight while sitting atop of a huge mushroom in front of the Big Bridges
  • KGI: The Brain from Pinky and the Brain
  • CGU: Half of Japan
  • CGU: Everyone who lives in the library.


Athletics[edit]

  • USC's Trojans football team are often confused the Claremont Stags, because both share the same team colors. However, the Trojans can never aspire to the athletic achievement of the mighty Stags.
  • There is also a Junior Varsity team called the Sagehens. Not much is known about them, however.
  • Beer pong is now an officially commissioned sport for CMS and Pomona-Pitzer. It is played during homecoming.
  • During the annual 5-K (5-Keg) run that marks the beginning of the school year, each participant must carry 5 kegs from the Lowry Lot all the way to the Mudd Hole followed by a 3-minute keg stand. The losers become the designated beer runner for the school year.
  • Beer runs are becoming a popular exercise for one to train with six-packs to get six-packs on campus.

Fun Facts[edit]

Fun Fact: Pomona students will protest anything.
Meet us down at Smith Campus Center: we're going to hold a march!
  • The 5Cs are Cerveza, Chocolate-covered-strawberries, Cellphone, Capitalism, and Coulter.
  • All Claremont students are required to work 80 hours of hard labor every week.
  • CMC is the Beer Pong capital of the World, but can be easily confused if you ask them the capital of Beirut.
  • Scripps' New Hall (GJW) is #4 on the Conde Nast Traveler list of the world's most luxurious places to stay.
  • The Stag was chosen as the 5-College mascot after a real stag killed a sagehen on Marston Quad on January 1, 2007.
  • It is rumored that Pomona is considering changing its mascot from a blue sagehen to a giant yellow chicken. There have been reports of giant yellow chicken sightings at the Coop.
  • The bones of Ronald Reagan can be found buried under Pitzer Hall at CMC. (The Reagan Library tomb is a decoy.)
  • Jack Pitney is actually a Professor of Public Relations and Communications.
  • Pomona's Dean Quinley's signature red sneakers are from the same company that makes Shaq's shoes.
  • God kills more kittens because of Scrippsies than CMCers.
  • Former CMC President Jack Stark is an expert wheelbarrow racer.
  • Mudders have more warts than most do, according to recent study.
  • More homosexual marriages were performed at the Motley in 2005 than in the entire City of San Francisco.
  • There is a long history of Hollywood filming at the Claremont Colleges. For instance, Legally Blonde 2's scene in the animal testing lab was filmed at Keck Graduate Institute. A Cinemax late night special filmed on CMC campus featured the profile of a renown scholar who showed some skin on screen.
  • Pomona's endowment is larger than Bill Gates' checking account. All of them.
  • The shrubs next to Pitzer dorms are actually a new breed of Cannibis plant disguised as everyday greens.
  • Pitzer College Council's anti-war statement was the driving force behind Donald Rumsfeld resignation
  • California Institute of Techonology requested membership in the Claremont Colleges as a subsidiary of Harvey Mudd, but was refused due to lack of the ability to hang onto their own cannon.