From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
(Redirected from Classic Cylons)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Classic Cylons with red eye syndrome.

“We invented the evil robot thing, and the Cylons ripped us off, dammit.”

~ Cybermen on The Cylons

“I'm tired of these motherfrakkin cylons on this motherfrakkin battlestar!”

~ Samuel L. Jackson on Cylons

“The only good thing they did was kill Boxey. And then they killed his dog-thing, dammit!”

~ Commander Adama on Cylons

Cylons appear humanoid and range from the dimwitted and slow moving type with the one red eye covered in a lot of heavy metal to one that can pass for human and pass its soul on to a new body after death. Really old Cylons used to be toasters.

Originally obsessed with chasing the Battlestar Galactica, they found their way to Earth, thanks a lot, Commander Adama. They have an awful aim, and have about as much IQ as a rock. Their terrible aim is because the red thingy flashing across their 'eye' is in fact, an eye. It (the red thingy) is constantly moving across their faces, and as a result, they can't hit a spaceship at point-blank range. That, added to their double digit IQs, causes problems for them.

Cylon Evolution[edit]

God used Evolution to recreate the Cylons

On the planet Cylonia, there evolved from the the world a species that where minerals, which where called Nantos. Then a new species evolved from Nantos, called toasters, a machanical Non-sentiant species, who gradually changed and evolved into humanoid Sentiant species called Centurions. Eventually a great gas & oil famine engulfed their homeworld, since they had completlly consumed both into oblivion, there for they began to loose signifigent weight and evolved into Cylon Centurions, while feeding on the lesser fossle fuels. Desprate for survival, the Cylons changed their diet from fossle fuels, to bio fuels. They consumed flora & fauna so much, that their very D.N.A changed from machanical, to biological, thus they evolved into Humanoid Cylons. God decided to favour one race over another, so he/she ordered the Cylons to extermanate all Humans. The Sci Fi Channel remade the Battlestar Galactica and the Cylons which created the New Battlestar Galactica universe with some minor changes like Starbuck is a woman, Captain Apollo is a momma's boy, Colonel Tigh is white and suffers from alcoholism, and the Twelve Colonies took up Kitten Huffing which lead them to use Microsoft Windows for their starships and the Cylons uploaded spyware to disable them and kill off most of the humans. Currently the Cylons stay one step behind the Battlestar Galactica to guide them back to Earth and wipe out the human race again so history can repeat itself, because God is cool like that. First God remade the Cylons in the image of the Terminators mixed with bits from the Classic Cylons, and that worked for a bit. Yet God decided that it was too much like New Coke, and why should humans have all the fun, so God Evolved the Cylons to look and act like humans, yet be faster, taller, stronger, smarter, and sexier than humans are. Apparently God is cool like that, as God loves the Cylons. Too bad he hates us.

The name 'Cylon' comes from Billy Ray Cyrus and Celine Dion, as God is a big fan of both.

Cylons are Hawt now![edit]

That's what the Cylons look like now? Damn!

Anyway, unknown to all on the Battlestar Galactica, God secretly placed some human looking Cylons in the colony. God even wiped their memories so they would forget that they were Cylons, until the time came for them to make their moves.

Some say that Cylons have already made it to Earth using their advanced technology, and are working for low salaries to take over the jobs of humans on Earth. That they founded Scientology, and put a lot of Cylons as robot actors in movies and TV shows. Rumor has it that Tom Cruise is a Cylon. Cylons were briefly mentioned in the Space Opera in Scientology. Cylons have been replacing Sheeple since God got into one of his creative moods.

Cylon invasion of the Holy Roman Empire[edit]

Several Cylons jumped over the intergalactic fence and landed in the Holy Roman Empire. Cylons thought they would defeat the Holy Roman menace this way. They ended up having low salary jobs.

See also[edit]