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What is classical? Classical is classical music. Anyway……

“I broke a G-string while I was fingering A-flat minor.”

~ Johannes Brahms on the Romantic era

“Uh, like, classical music is classical. The hardest thing in the oh! so big world. like, wrote and stuff, in like E minor.”

~ Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart on classical music

“All of the gay composers came from this latter period?¿?”

~ Captain Oblivious on good classical music

“My music is music about music.”

~ Bach on classical music
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Classical.

Classical music is music that conforms to the classical unities of action, place, and time. It is a common stereotype that only old people, villains in action movies, grandparents, the living dead, zombies, flaming idiots and flaming homosexuals listen to classical music.

Classical music is often called "gay" because of the large number of effeminate, long-haired male composers. They have been reported to be know as shemales. As young boys, they were castrated before the age of 5.

Women boxers fighting for their compser rights after defeating shemales.


The beginnings of classical music were called the Medieval, Renaissance, Romantic, and Baroque eras. Most of the music back then was performed for an audience of small audiences, such as God, Jesus, creepy guys in trenchcoats, grandparents, the living dead, zombies, orgy participants, and Super Mario. This type of music that has survived is now usually loved by progressive rockers and Gothic pseudo-intellectuals.

The next important period was the Classical era, which is where classical music gets its name from. This ran from 1400 to 1898, during which time all European music imitated classical Greek culture, in mathematically rich pure poor sounds. Then came the Romantic era, from 1898. Although it began to peter out in about 1910, some composers still drool out occasional Romantic music. This era produced music for candlelit dinners for two, suitable for expressing your innermost soul whether your partner wants you to do it or not.

This guy does classical music.

Some notable Classical Music tunes in rhythm[edit]

The development of all classical music has been evolutionary, constantly building on the technical triumphs of the past. It has improved consistently through the work of such major figures as…

  • Johann Sebastian Bach, Mozart, and Beethoven (da-da-da dum), each work being an improvement over previous compositions, until the final apotheosis demonstrated by film music such as that written for Star Wars (daaaaa da, da-da-da-daaaaa da, da-da-da-daaaaaa da, da-da-da-dum).

During the 20th century classical music saw many new innovations. Atonal music was invented, which is usually some popular classical piece played slowly, upside-down, and in roughly reverse-alphabetical order like this…

  • (wnp ɐp-ɐp-ɐp), and then they invented aleatory random classical music (mum-ad ad-mu madum add-u).

Then there was Kirby classical music in 1992. It still goes on today. For example, like this…

  • (d-d-d-d-d-d, d-d-d-d-d-d, dedede, dedede, dedede,).

The most famous piece of music to be presented in installments was Richard Wagner's unicycle The Ring of the Nibelung, and this is now considered to be the greatest composition incorporating Leitmotivs (a Leitmotiv is a piece of music primarily intended to be a cell phone ring-tone).

There are a few pieces of modern music that break this unity (for example Stockhausen's helicopter quartet), but the only legitimate reason for placing an orchestra on a train has been to demonstrate the Doppler effect, or to locate them in the conductor's natural environment.

Target Audience[edit]

The target audience of classical music, especially the old stuff, is masochists who strive to higher and higher pedestals of self-flagellation. Sadists who give spankings, shemales, and grandparents.

It is said that these Japanese ladies that retain names from Japan cities are classical composers.

How do you know if the composers were are faking their love of classical music?[edit]

You can tell they're bluffing when they say they love Bach, Beethoven, and The Beatles. Tell them you are into AC/DC, Winger, and Brahms, and ask them what made them give up folk music. Tell them rock music is better.

In reality, they just enjoy Pig Latin and Old High German lyrics. Just mention choirboys, and hint at closet homosexuality.

They're bluffing when they say they love Tchaikovsky, Wagner, and Winger. They don't really like classical music, they just enjoy the dark images associated with esoteric underground films. Tell them you are into Scriabin, Messiaen, and Shostakovitch, and ask them why they switched from industrial music to classical.

Did you know that?[edit]

See also[edit]