Claudio Sanchez

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Claudio preparing his dinner.

Lord Claudio Sanchez (Smarch 32, 1337 - ) is the third King of Puerto Rico, as well as the demonic frontman of popular progressive agricultural band Coheed from Cumbria. He also has his own solo project called The Pig Farmer in Fresno. While his parents were mortals, Claudio is invincible. Some call Claudio by his demon name, Chupacabra, although they are usually dead within a week.

Claudio's Rise to Fame[edit]

Upon being created by the Devil's hair from his My Little Pony hairbrush, Claudio ascended from Hell to an old and empty farm where he practiced his skills in witchcraft and rockery. Around this time, he wanted to start a band to spread the joys of farming. Gathering up some local farmers from around the area, Claudio's hair carressed their faces and so, they all developed musical properties that would allow Claudio to carry on with his plan.

Having created / formed a band, Sanchez got around writing a creative and funky story about like, space farming or something, that would distract his fans as their music played backwards messaging about important farming issues. Hey, the story and band was popular and Claudio could continue to weave his evils into teens and thus raising the next generation of farmers.

House Raid[edit]

One fateful night in August of 2007, the police raided Claudio's apartment after receiving word that he had held cows captive there and was demanding some mayo for his sandwich. There was a struggle, and Claudio, being a monster and all, threw one officer out the 13th floor window. The poor officer was killed instantly when he hit the concrete. The other officers were never seen again, and experts assume that Claudio "went all Chupacabra on they asses." A S.W.A.T. team was sent in, and finally Claudio was subdued with elephant tranquilizers. The search of the apartment revealed some things almost too disturbing to list: among the things were live fetuses, human remains, and Josh Eppard, his former band mate, chained in a dungeon. He survived for three months on one bottle of water and four saltine crackers. Claudio was imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay, but escaped only four days later, after brutally raping the guards...with his voice. Cuban President Fidel Castro proclaimed the day an international holiday, and anyone who did not celebrate it would be destroyed by Claudio's half-brother, the almighty Carmine, Destroyer of Worlds. Castro would also reportedly castrate you. Nobody was ever told the date of the holiday, so everybody has to guess what day to celebrate, as is the custom in Cuba. This helps keep the population under the maximum amount of fear and terror possible, much to Castro's enjoyment. Then Hitler was resurrected, and competed against Claudio in a guitar battle, only to lose and have Claudio cum all over his dirty german face. Yea boiiiii.

Present Whereabouts[edit]

No one is really sure of Claudio's present whereabouts, as he disappeared in a half-drunken, acid-reflux-induced rage after a recent show, screaming about what he did to deserve all of you. It has been suggested by several so-called experts that he may be spending time in Australia with the likes of Geddy Lee and Neil Peart. These theories were formed because of Steve Irwin's untimely death, which, let's face it, was totally skewed by the media. I mean, Irwin could not be taken down by a wimpy stingray, right? The only logical conclusion is that Claudio challenged him to an epic fight to the death as was tradition in his native land of Puerto Rico. Evidence suggests that the fight lasted for several days, and that while Claudio won, it was a close battle, and he was lucky to escape with his life, let alone his hair. Since the showdown, Claudio has disappeared into obscurity, possibly never to rise again. In 2007, three tourists in New Zealand claimed they saw Claudio digging a large hole on a mountaintop, but it turned out it was merely a dying shrub. They reportedly said that "It looked just like his hair!"

The Story[edit]

Part One (oh wait, it's actually part two): Second Level Combine Harvester Blade[edit]

Coheed starts out as your average farmer from Cumbria County. One fateful morning, Coheed discovers that all of his Keyworkers quit working on the farm. After learning this, Coheed flies into a bipolar rage, getting righteously drunk and taking it out on two of his children, twins named Maria and Matthew. He slams their heads in the door and then uses a crowbar or something to annaly violate them. However the evilness does not end there. Coheed then kills his daughter Josephine who just came home from Jersey City with her boyfriend after being raped by a gang, just for the hell of it. Coheed hears police sirens and flees, not having time to brutally murder his last child, Claudio (who just happens to have no relation to Mr. Claudio Sanchez). On his way out Coheed grabs a bottle of whiskey and a sandwich, And proceeds to shove them up his ass. As soon as he hits the highway, Coheed guzzles whiskey. After drinking all his booze, Coheed bites into his sandwich. This brings rise to a drunken bipolar fit of road rage, since the sandwich is too dry. Coheed screams "Give me Mayo, or you'll all be fucked for sure!" and kills 33 people by vehicular homicide. When he sobers up, Coheed take his gun, and falls asleep in a ditch on the side of the road.

Track list:

  1. Second Level Combine Harvester Blade
  2. Flesh Consumer
  3. Devil Went down To Jersey City
  4. Everything Evil...Dr. Evil
  5. Delirius Nigger
  6. Out of Earshot Kid Dismember
  7. 33.14 (Super Pie)
  8. Jews On Procession
  9. Neverender
  10. Paul Sent For Pizza
  11. Pixie Spire Arizona

Part Three: In Keeping Cows In Silent Barns 3[edit]

Now the saga switches over to Claudio, Coheed's only living child. Claudio, after narrowly escaping the wrath of his drunken father, Claudio flees to his uncle Jesse's dairy farm in Wisconsin. This part of the tale is about his time working there. The story begins with Claudio hearing a ringing telephone. He answers the phone, and it is his girlfriends dog, Apollo...After Claudio wakes up from that acid trip, we get back to whats really happening. The next day, Jesse tells Claudio to soundproof the barn, because them cows can be some noisy motherfuckers. Claudio, not really knowing what the fuck he was doing, uses a jackhammer to senselessly slaughter his uncles cattle. Jesse get really pissed off, throws the Holy Hand Grenade at our young protagonist...Jesse forgot that he throws like a girl, and Claudio easily dodged the explosive. Then knocked Jesse unconscious and drilled his hand to a table. For kicks. After that he snuggled on the couch with a bottle of rum and watched Jeopardy till he fell asleep. He was awoken in the middle of the night by a crowing sound at the front door. It turned out to be a bunch of Jews selling dictionaries. He lured them inside, by acting like he was interested, then threw them all on a bonfire and made some fuck-damn good jew-kebabs. After a feast of Heebs, Claudio got up the next morning, and seriously pondered why he committed such acts of random violence, but that made his head he killed some more. He decided that that was enough carnage for one day, and met up with his girlfriend, Newo Ikken, and hopped on a train called the Velourium Camper. During the ride, the conducter, and crazy ass jiggaboo named Al, started layin' the groove on Newo, and Claudio promptly used the Double Eye Gouge on him, then feasted on his body, still wiggling with life...dont fucking mess with Puerto Ricans. After arriving in Western Pennsylvania, Claudio raided a house and found a sniper rifle. (Please note, that this is a common occurrence in PA) He then went and kill some police officers, and had to flee to Mexico, leaving Newo, and her dog Apollo behind. This part of the story concludes, with Claudio, sitting in a mexican crack house, having a psychadellic vision, in which Apollo need his help! Claudio storms out of the crack house, and begins his search to find Apollo...

TRACK LIST: In Keeping Cows In Silent Barns: 3

  1. Ring Worm In Return
  2. In Keeping Cows In Silent Barns: 3
  3. Cuts Marked In The Wrists Of Emos
  4. Three Evils (Embodied In Gay and Emo)
  5. The Crow
  6. Blood Red Cunt (Her Name Was Summer)
  7. The Trailer Velorium I : Faint Of Farts
  8. The Trailer Velorium II : Black End Of Forever
  9. The Trailer Velorium III: Al The Killer
  10. A Duty Home Pacific
  11. The Light & The Emo
  12. Hidden Track: Not An Homage To Rush

Good Apollo, I'm too Lazy for Reading this Never-Ending Album Title IV: Volume One: From Fear Through The Eyes of Bovines[edit]

Track List:

  1. Keeping The Wesley Snipes
  2. Always and Sometimes
  3. Get the Hell Out of My House
  4. Ten Hits (Of God's Speed & Heroin)
  5. Crossing The Jordan
  6. Apollo 11: "One Small Step For Man"
  7. Once Upon Your Mom
  8. Wake and Bake
  9. The Suffering Fans Who Saw The Music Video And Were like (OMGWTF?!?!)
  10. Oh My God, That Lying, Dirty Bitch Erica Court
  11. Your Mother...May I?
  12. The Will You STFU? I: Fuel For Feeding Your Mom My End
  13. The Will You STFU? II: Fear Through The Eyes Of Bovines
  14. The Will You STFU? III: Apollo 13: "Houston, We Have A Problem"
  15. The Will You STFU? IV: The Final Cut (In My Wrist)

Volume One introduces us to the Starving Artist, a crazy bastard who once attempted to chronicle the life and times of Coheed from Cumbria. Once he finally realized how futile such an attempt was, he secluded himself in his basement, whacking off to furry porn on the internet. One day he finds his Girlfriend Erica Court having sex with a gnome! And the Starving Artist decided that since his life was basically pointless, he may as well attempt to finish the Chronicles of Coheed from Cumbria. As the Starving Artist writes, he does ten hits of God's speed and heroin and realizes that one of the characters in the epic tale was taking on the personality of his old girlfriend, that skank Erica Court. So he decides that he should kill her, because God's speed and heroin told him to. The Artist returns to writing and chronicles the day when Claudio busted through his girlfriend's windowframe and fucked that bitch up. The Artist goes insane again and can't write anymore, as he is too consumed with being pissed off about that skanky slut Erica. As he descends further into madness, the Chronicles of Coheed from Cumbria begin turning really crazy n' all. A lot of it ends up being about incest, and then there's an explosion. Finally the Artist does ten more hits of God's speed and heroin and cuts himself.

Good Apollo, I'm too Lazy for Reading this Never-Ending Album Title IV: Volume Two No World For the Day After Tomorrow's Yesterday[edit]

The Starving Artist finally gets his shit together enough to continue chronicling the life and times of Coheed from Cumbria County. As he records the histories and past-itudes, he starts thinking about rape, explaining the first title. Anyway, back to the epic tale. Um, yeah. Claudio amasses an army of young brothers and sisters, which is really just a front for incest porn. They raise their hands high, and Claudio gets stoned. While he's stoned, he fantasizes about smelling like blood and rank and decides that god, it's time for the curing...of the steaks he laid out on the counter last weekend and forgot to jerk, although he did remember to jerk his own meat. His fantasies continue to get crazier, involving a housewife in leathers who rapes the milkman in the attic. As Claudio begins to panic, he wakes up and remembers that today is the day of the big spelling bee, so he goes running off and has to spell some big fucking words like...amalgamation. Yeah. On his way home, he sings about going home and running free, but then he bumps into a bigass dude who is known to be the local motherfucker, and they dance atop the graves of a bunch of wedding singers. It turns out that the local motherfucker was just a diversion, and the bastard who made his father's sandwich too dry by depriving it of mayo is cutting through the wires holding Claudio's home above the Pacific up. It falls, and Claudio flies into a rage, becoming the Crowing, for great justice. He destroys the bastard who deprived the mayo and begins hallucinating in languages he doesn't even know, starting with German. Next he starts seeing little Mexican men dancing, and they turn out to be his father's Keyworkers floating on a couch in the middle of the Pacific. At last, all is well, and Claudio runs to the middle of the United States, where he relates the epic tale of Coheed from Cumbria to the farmers, who in turn relate it to the Starving Artist, and later, Claudio Sanchez himself, the demon lord of Puerto Rico.

Track list:

  1. The Raping
  2. No World For the Day After Tomorrow's Yesterday
  3. You Smell (Like Blood And Rank)
  4. Leathers
  5. The Spelling Bee
  6. Superior Motherfucker
  7. Grave Fakers and Wedding Singers
  8. For Great Justice in Murder
  9. The End 96%: I - The Fall Of Home Pacific
  10. The End 97%: II - So Long Radio
  11. The End 98%: III - The End Still Not Complete
  12. The End 99%: IV - The Road and The PWNED
  13. The End ERROR: V - On The Brink Of Homosexuality