Cleethorpes is a homosexual seaside resort 3 miles (or a two day hike) from Grimsby.
Cleethorpes was discovered in 672 by a group of pissed-up gay Vikings on a day-trip from Stavanger. Findus Larsson declared the area property of the Norse gays in an attempt to annoy his older brother Henrik who 'sailed the other way' (i.e. was straight). Findus found consolation by mocking his brothers non-homosexual sexual escapades though the invention of the fish finger.
The Victorian gays were those who helped Cleethorpes grow, mainly by dumping hunks and twinks dragged from Grimsby Docks on land that would eventually become the beach. A businessman by the name of Crescent Butterworth discovered that by advertising the beauty of the men in Cleethorpes to thousands of bum impoverished Yorkshire-gays he could make a fortune and get some good good man-love on the side. To this day Cleethorpes Beach is known as a Mecca for those who like a bit of man on man action.
Cleethorpes played a significant part during World War Two. A successful invasion led by special forces of the German Army landed at a point just south of what is now the Leisure Centre, the only successful such operation on mainland Britain. Whilst attempting to secure the area the Germans became so disillusioned by the drabness and general shitability of the place that they went back to their boats and sailed home. Reporting back to Hitler the circumstances of their escapades convinced the Fuhrer that England was a craphole not worth fighting for and he switched his attentions to the Russian Front. The course of world history was changed as well as solving that little mystery for historians.
In recent years the area has seen the demolition of everything that could attract visitors and replacing them with flats in the hope that they will be able to host the 2011 "National Flat-Builders Federation Council Annual Meeting" in what used to be the Crescent Butterworth Conference Centre but is scheduled to become Kelly Fuckin' Wells House, a development of 28 luxury flats, by mid-2010.
There are a multitude of things to get up to in Cleethorpes. If you're a fan of alcohol, the local bar Willys are happy to serve a wide range of people of any age and the local brew is actually a pint of willies!. If that wouldn't take your fancy, there are dozens of donut shops who do a famous "10 for £1" deal, popular amongst
all most few!
There is also a boating lake, which is loved by the locals, but only when the lake itself is not covered with posionous algae. Jim Smith, a regular boater said "Normally on April the 3rd every fourteen years, we get a good algae-free gap of about 37 minutes at about 4am. That's when we get a good boating".
There is also the 'Cleethorpes Light Railway', which uses carriages branded 'SMR' (shit mini railway). It runs for 2 miles, but the train will break down when it reaches the other end, effectively stopping all services, as the railway is so pointless that it doesn't have any passing loops, They are reputed as having an extensive loco fleet, but what wasn't mentioned was that they are not theirs and are not allowed to use them. Another service stopper are the local vandals who will gladly stop you from having any kind of fun, as they want to make sure Cleethorpes is
one of the most boring place on Earth.
The good aspects of Cleethorpes
There is a road and a railway out.
Cleethorpes in the Media
Cleethorpes almost won an award for one of the cleanest seaside resorts in England. Well, in north England. North-east England. ...in the Grimsby and Cleethorpes District - Not including Grimsby category.
Cleethorpes has been home to many enigmatic sightings over the past seventeen years. Someone saw a tornado once across the sea. Consequently, it received a lot of press, and the Grimsby Evening Telegraph were more than happy to make it front page news. An insider said:
|It was nice to have a change from reporting murders, rapes, paedophillia, underage-sex, teenage pregnancies and artists impressions of new flats.|
Alan Rickman is often sighted at Cleethorpes, usually on the 2p (too-pee) machines getting his moneys worth. He is also rumoured to have been the one who acquired the high score on House of the Dead.
Mr Bean took a holiday to Cleethorpes, but left an hour after arriving, saying "There were not enough silly things to do, to be honest. And the theme park looked shit"
Bono is rumoured to have visited cleethorpes after visiting Kenya and seeing one of the local White Aid relief events to support cleethorpes residents in harsh times.
Jesus the first sighting of jesus was rumoured to have been in cleethorpes. Sources indicate that he was seen fleeing across the salty green waters under the pier heading for the much more dangerous pastures of Hull! Sophie and Scott couldn't find anything to in Cleethorpes and so sat about doing nothing all day, which is what everybody else does, that and walk so tediously slow... ah the way of the North East...
A special charter train once came into Cleethorpes. Most people thought it had been wrongly routed, and was meant to have gone to somewhere more interesting. The travellers of this train were hoping for an afternoon by the sea, but couldn't get to the sea, as the beach was too full of foreigners and chavs. Plus, the sea was so far out it would take a year to get there (and once there they would almost certainly been struck by one of the many boats that sailed past, the captain thinking 'what a shit hole', and sailing past.)
Someone who wasn't from Cleethorpes once came there for a holiday. It was soon revealed that they were not from the area, so they were mugged, rapes then killed. Then raped again