Climp

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Were you looking for chimp or pimp or perhaps even clit?

β€œI pity the foo' who messes up my climps, yo?”

~ Mr. T on Climps

β€œIn the morning I will be sober, but you will still be climped.”

~ Winston Churchill on redress

A Climp is a device halfway between a clip and a clamp. It is also the trademark for the original line of climps, which were created when a bumbling mechgineer substituted ' for " in a schematic diagram of a clothesline pin. The marketing department subsequently came up with the name to reassure customers that the load posed by these clothespegs was not too large for the line. Today, climps have found sway in any condition where an old school vice is too clunky to get the job done, but a clip is too wimpy. This category is both ill-defined and empty.

Huffman line[edit]

After inventing the JPEG algorithm, avid cathuffer Albert Curlesque Huffman III created the modern design for the climp. Essentially it employed the usual design for clamps at a time: cogs rotated to move two opposing plates into place. The worm gear or screw had not been invented, so the cogs tended to derotate and it was finger lacerating to twist them. A further monkey wrench in the design was the fact that the ratchets needed to combat the problem would ratch the fingers horribly. Huffo compensated by attaching an assistor spring to supply a certain amount of stasis energy to the system.

The final design blueprints' similarity in taste and texture, because of the spring ingredient, THE SPRING, to the common yard-variety clothespeg led the Opus Dei to triumphantly admit the model into the Climp line. Unfortunately, the weakness of the spring led Huffman to include a specification for a Climp to be attached to add the remaining strength and power.

Climps ad infinitum[edit]

Were his specifications satisfied, the likenings of the Climp's practical usage would require Climps out the window and over the hill which is exactly why all modern downtown construction projects fail: an infinite number of things makes God mad.

Sexual usage[edit]

Will not be discussed here.

Prank usage[edit]

For pinching pranks, the Climp is ideal. Simply use the clip part to provide the initial hold, then use the clamp bit to squeeze.