Clinton H. Giles
“Our job is to improve, not just to maintain”
“Now I have been exactly the same for the past 20 years.”
“You need go church! OOOoooAAhhhOOooo!!!”
“Don't make me get my husband!”
“Do not stick yo hands in da snow; it is cold, wet and frozen.”
“A student was arrested, detained, taken into custody, gaoled, incarcerated.”
“I have run into several ob-stackles in my life.”
“The only cute things in the world are babies and monkeys.”
“Statistics show that people of colour tend to do worse on standardised tests.”
“Mr. Giles said black people are dumb!”
“Now don't y'all leave outta here and go 'round sayin' 'Mr. Giles said black people are dumb!' 'cause that is NOT what I said!”
“This lunch table is absolute filth! F-I-L-F!”
“It will not be entertained in regards to a cell phone. It will not be entertained in regards to a cell phone. It will not be entertained in regards to a cell phone.”
“Mr. Giles, Jiggety-Giles! He got the dictionary, with the repeat things 3 times, 3 times, 3 times!”
“In Soviet Russia, 3 times repeats YOU!! YOU!! YOU!!”
“You will be suspended from the Capital High School Prom. You will be suspended from the Capital High School Prom. You will be suspended from the Capital High School Prom, which is THE Prom of Capital High School.”
“YOU NEED A PUDDIN' POP, MOTHERFUCKER!!!”
“This man put Jews on the map.”
“You can bank on that.”
“George Bush doesn't care about Clinton H. Giles”
“Clinton H. Giles is brilliant and a true eccentric in American history”
“I enjoy them.”
“If I had to choose one ice cream flavour, it would be Vanilla because it's delicious. Some people may choose Chocolate or some people may choose Neapolitan, the best of both worlds. And some people prefer Tutti Frutti, which is alright too. And then you got the one guy who walks in the ice cream parlour and asks for Rum Raisin and you're not really sure why. But there's something about him that just says "I bet his favourite movie is 'The Big Lebowski'".”
“We gonna kick y'all's ass next year!”
“That's right, I said it, we gonna kick y'all's ass next year!”
- 1 Humble Beginnings
- 2 The Farming Lifestyle and an Incident That Changed Him For Life
- 3 His Time in the Military
- 4 Life After the War
- 5 Success, My Name is Giles!!!
- 6 A Time of Darkness
- 7 How He Met Jermichael
- 8 His Degree, and His Future
- 9 Ostentatious D and the Shovel of Destiny
- 10 Discography
- 11 The 'H'
- 12 Gilesisms
- 13 Facts About Clinton H. Giles
Clinton H. Giles was born in 1913 in Minnesota to loving parents Ashton Kutcher and Hilary Clinton (where his first name derived from). He learnt to walk and talk at a very young age, despite being mentally retarded, and read many books, mainly the dictionary, but sometimes the thesaurus. Early Giles researchers say this is where he acquired his extremely large vocabulary. When young Clinton was only five years old, his parents filed for divorce, forcing him to live with his Aunt Jemimah on a farm in Brooklyn, New York.
The Farming Lifestyle and an Incident That Changed Him For Life
Clinton learnt the farming lifestyle. Every day he would milk the horses and push his plow through the great Brooklyn rye fields. He learned about cow tipping and putting shit on people's doorsteps and lighting it on fire. During these shenanigans, a piece of shit inadvertently landed on Clinton's head. Not realising the shit was on his head (and being high on acid), he lit it, causing his whole afro to go up in flames. He was 9 months shy of his 15th birthday. The doctors told him that he would never be able to grow hair on his head again. To make matters worse, while walking through the hospital parking lot, a car's headlights reflected off his bald spot, causing a huge flash of light. This impaired his vision for life. Basically pissed off, he joined the army to kick some ass, abandoning his dream of going to Evil Medical School to become an evil dentist.
His Time in the Military
He officially joined the army in 1933 at the age of twenty. Despite his poor eyesight, they made him the official Token Black Guy. When World War II finally came around, he was in almost every picture with every general. His greatest accomplishment in the army is when he got his picture on the plane that dropped the atomic bomb on Mongolia. The mission would have been a success if it weren't for Bono and U2 dismantling all of the United States atomic bombs. He was eventually promoted from Token Black Guy to Random Black Guy, then finally to a general. "Bald Thunder Giles", as they called him, rose to fame during WW2. His battle cry "Kill, Kill, Kill the White Man" was a rallying cry all over the South American front. When the war was finally over in 1965, Clinton was a modern-day hero.
Life After the War
After the war, Clinton was a tired and bitter man. His nerves were shot, thus ending his dream of becoming an evil dentist for good. He needed something new in his life. He decided to open a general store. "White people need their own place to shop for inexpensive merchandise. Why not build them a center just for that?" This was the beginning of the first Wal Mart. A few brief moments after the creation of Wal Mart, Clinton sold it for a so-called "really, really, really shiny nickel". At Wal Mart he lost his virginity to Danzig. "It was incredible, spectacular, astonishing and beautiful," raved Clinton. For the next few years, his days consisted of masturbation and watching the movie Full Metal Jacket over and over again.
Success, My Name is Giles!!!
After years of absolute boredom, Clinton finally got his nerves back! In 1972, he enrolled at Evil Wheeling Jesuit University to learn how to become an evil dentist. Since Wheeling is located in West Virginia, the people were amazed by the level of skill Clinton had in Mortal Kombat. They thought his power may be far greater than that of Robert Byrd, West Virginia's evil leader. Robert Byrd, was the greatest Mortal Kombat player in all the land. "The Byrdman", as they called him, rolled up to Clinton during lunch and was all like "All right bizzatch. You think you got skillz??? We gon see 'bout dat. Yo check dis out. My crib, one-on-one in Mortal Kombat. Be there, or be a busta." It was believed that Clinton's initial response was "What the fuck was that white boy talking about?", but accepted his challenge anyway. Byrdman selected Chuck Norris as his character, and Clinton went with Holden Caulfield. And the battle was on. Byrdman roundhouse kicked and roundhouse kicked with Chuck, while Clinton had Holden keep ranting and ranting on random things until finally, Chuck Norris's head exploded. The Holden on the game didn't do a finishing move because they are apparently "really goddam phony, and corny as hell". The Byrdman was sent home crying (even though he was already home), and Clinton won back the pride of his hood, his girl (whom he dumped five minutes later) and himself. This didn't last very long because Robert Byrd kicked everyone out of his house so he could listen to The Cure whilst he played with himself and read the Constitution.
A Time of Darkness
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How He Met Jermichael
On a cold November day in October, Clinton was coaching his midget-league football team when he noticed a strange man pushing a shopping cart down the road. Clinton loved to make new friends so he immediately left practice to go meet him. The man was very tall and had a CD player on the front of the cart. Nobody knows what the true conversation was, but Gilestologists infer that it went something like this:
Clinton: "Hello young man! My name is Clinton! How are you?"
Jermichael: "OOOooAAahhhOOOoo You need Jesus! Go Church."
Clinton: "Why yes, I do happen to attend church. Do you like to play the game of football?"
Jermichael: "Mama say football the devil so you need go church OOoooAAahhOOoo!!!
Clinton: "Splendid! What is your name young man?"
Jermichael: "My name Jermichael and I like go church OOooAAaahhhOOooo!!!"
Clinton: "How quaint. I will see you around Jermichael. Goodbye!"
This was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Jermichael and Clinton were the best of pals. They lived together, ate together, they didn't bathe together, but they did sleep in the same Jeff Gordon race car bed. It was at the height of their friendship, disaster struck. While Jermichael and Clinton were walking home from a Clay Aiken concert, they bumped into the band Slayer. Jermichael was scared, supposedly saying that Slayer "REALLY needed go church". Instead of fighting, Clinton challenged the band's leader, Ronald McDonald, to a game of Mortal Kombat, as usual. But Ronald had an ace up his sleeve. Clinton was used to playing Mortal Kombat on Gamecube, but Ronald had an N64, making it impossible for Clinton to play. Clinton tried all his might with his Holden Caulfield character, but Ronald overwhelmed him with attacks from the Dave Grohl character. Having seen his best friend defeated and humiliated, Jermichael could only say "You need go church!!! OOOooAAahhOOOoo!!!". They would not see each other for over a decade, when Clinton asked Jermichael to join his future band, Ostentatious D.
His Degree, and His Future
He finally earned his degree in Education in 1989, after changing his major a record 42 times. He immediately got a job as a janitor at Capital High School, where he has been ever since. He now also has taken up the sport of underwater basket weaving, and enjoys defecating on the homeless and stealing old people's medicine. Clinton was not quiet for long, though. He quit his job and started the band Ostentatious D with close friend, Benjamin Franklin. After starting the band Ostentatious D, they went on road tours across the country playing for all that came to see them. They even toured through the greatest state of all, Canada. That's where they got their big break and were noticed by none other than President George W. Bush himself. After meeting the president, Bush told them of his proposal to sell Canada, and if he could sell Canada, it would make America the largest country in the nation. After hearing the president's proposal, Ostentatious D decided to write what would be their greatest hit song of the decade - the Bill Cosby Gangsta Rap. The Bill Cosby Gangsta Rap was number 1 on the top ten lists for years to come, but tragedy struck when Jermichael pulled a muscle in his arm after conducting the Capital High Cougar Marching Band from the stands and could no longer play the AT&T cell phone service. This tragedy caused the band to break up and brought an end to Giles's hopes and dreams to become a superstar for all white people of Canada.
Ostentatious D and the Shovel of Destiny
In early 2001, Giles finally had all of the components ready for the greatest band ever:
- Clinton H. Giles on bass guitar and lead vocals
- Benjamin Franklin on trumpet
- Jermichael on the CD Player and the AT&T cell phone service
- Gumby on the kettle drum
- Saddam Hussein on the bag pipes
- and The Retarded Guy From Sling Blade on the lawnmower blade
- La Clintoncisto: Giles Music Volume One, February 2002
- Led Zeppelin, July 2002
- Led Zeppelin II, Fall 2003
- Led Zeppelin IV, August 1992
- Led Zepplin XXX, August 2304
- Led Zeppelin III, March 2006
- Screaming For Giles, September 2002
- Astro Giles 2000: Songs of Clinton, Giles, and Other Disillusions of the Giles Head, December 2008
- I'm Clinton H. Giles Bitch, Fall 1993
- Kill The White Man, Summer 2042
- The Giles In The Rye, June 2006
- Your Mom, April 1989
- Foreplay/Long Time, October 2007
- Whitey Needs Improved, January 2009
- Bill Cosby Gangsta Rap, March 2005: Single hit
- Iowa and Subliminal Verses, April 2666
To this day, nobody knows what the 'H' stands for. Some speculate it stands for Hector or Hitler or something to that effect. Others say it stands for Higgety, which is pronounced 'Jiggety' (this is due to Hilary Clinton's inability to spell). The most widely accepted theory, however, holds that some bizarre alien device switched Giles's middle name with that of Milton J. Pleasant, the J being for Jiggety and the H for Honky.
- "This lunch table is absolute filth! F-I-L-F!"
- "Someone really smart once said something but I forgot what he or she said."
- "I'm rich bitch!"
- "Fifteen bucks little man, put that shit in my hand."
- "Wassup vanillaface?"
- "Let's split up. Shaggy, you and Scooby check the attic, Velma and Fred can check the basement, and Daphne and I will head back to the mystery machine to enjoy an alcoholic beverage and possibly have sex...I mean have sex."
- "There's some shit in my 'fro dog. Let's light it on fire!"
- "I grow bored. Is anybody up for a game of basketball?"
- "Somebody here has to do Mrs. Kline, and it is NOT going to be me"
- "Shoot the J...SHOOT IT!!"
- "King in the castle! King in the castle!"
- "Sick 'em Jermichael"
- "Women are people?"
- "Even white people are people?"
- "I plead the fif. One, two, green, floor, FIF!!!"
- "KILL WHITEY!!!!!!!!!!!!"
- "Mr. McCoy you are wanted in Mr. Giles' office. Mr. Giles is ver angry with you."
- "There is no racial bigotry here. Now get out my office you damn cracker."
- "But it was just a little crack."
- "We are not here to maintain, we are here to improve...and by improve I mean add a strip pole at the end of the bar. "
- "What was that about your momma."
Facts About Clinton H. Giles
- His favourite flavour of ice cream is Vanilla.
- He likes to watch cheerleaders.
- Was once a member of The Time Haters, a group consisting of Bill McCoy, Dr. James "Doc Jimmy" Hall, John Hawley and himself.
- His favorite sport is curling.
- He totally pwned a kid by slamming him onto a cement surface.
- He owns your soul.
- He is an avid supporter of George W. Bush, The Republican Party, and white people in general.