“It's a Clive!!!!! A Clive!!!!! ”
“This has been me Clive Anderson, saying goodnight: goodnight.”
“He'll always be a tosser to me”
“That Fat American took my job!”
Clive was created when a German poledancer and a typical British citizen, named Jenkins, made love on a pool table. This never-ending orgasm ended when the baby went down the centre pocket. For six years, he remained there, retaining his energy, until one day, the local tramp / hobo (whichever side of the Atlantic you live on)searched for food down there. Mistaking him for a hard boiled egg, Clive was freed from his "sleep" and was released to the world. His mindset went all zany, even Hitler-like. His evil nature was, unfortunately, outperformed by his kind, yet witty attitude. BOO!
What a guy
Oh Clive! How many teenage girls the world over have sighed that aloud to themselves as they gaze adoringly up at a poster of their favourite ex-barrister and television presenter extraordinaire? Literally millions. Indeed it is very rare to discover a teenage girl's bedroom that doesn't have at least one image of the smooth headed raconteur tacked to the wall. Once upon a time they may well have plastered pictures of their favourite popular music combos such as the Bay City Rollers, Right Said Fred and Kraftwerk but once they caught a glimpse of Clive they were smitten. And who can blame them?
Life as a bannister
After completing school, university and a two week stint at Butlins Clive was ready to enter the big, bad world. The more pertinent question however is was the big, bad world ready for Clive? The answer is no. Facing prejudice and stigma at every turn, the only opportunity open to him was that of a bannister. For eight years he stood by flights of stairs, acting as a aide to those who needed him. Every so often a kindly old man would come by and polish his head.
Hurray for Hollywood!
Clive knew he had a tremendous talent. A talent that he couldn't display as a bannister. So he did what every young man does when his head is full of ideas, a song is in his heart and a shiny silver sixpence is in his pocket. He goes to Hollywood! Clive had radical ideas for the film industry, so radical that whenever he told anybody them their heads blew up. They totally blew up with bits of eyeball and cheek spraying across the pavement. Unbelievable I know but this was the power of Clive's ideas. Finding himself horribly out of touch with the modern world, he returned to Great Britain and summed up his feelings of desperation and malcontent through the medium of song.
Nobody could anticipate the success this created. What Clive could do with an acoustic guitar made the hardest of men weep. I'm talking World's Strongest Man style hard here. People who had never even realised they had emotions let alone talk about them found the locks on their souls were opened by Clive's majestic key. His first concert was entitled 'Clive Live'. Such was the demand for tickets that all the phones in the world combusted. It seemed everybody on the planet wanted a ticket to see Clive in the flesh, tapping on his Moog and crooning his beautiful little heart out. However this concert was not to be.
A horrible accident occurred when a dictionary fell on Clive. What he was doing sitting underneath that crooked bookshelf that had obviously been ready to break for years is anyone's guess. As of now, Clive lies in a comatosed state. Outside his hospital room lies a sea of flowers laid by distraught fans. They wait silently, hoping and praying that Clive will pull through and bless their lives with one of his infamous bon mots once again however if you listen ever so carefully, so, so carefully you may well hear another tear drop from the inconsolable eye of one of his many acolytes and fall to the cold, unforgiving concrete. 'Clive Live' they mutter, 'Clive Live'.
What Clive does in his private life
- Worships his gods, Right Said Fred.
- Shaves. Even the tiniest speck of hair WILL be removed.
- Slates all modern day riff-raff, like electricity and computers.
- Challenges himself to an arm wrestle, hoping that one day, he will possess a single ounce of brute strength.
- Reveals that he was wearing a bald wig during the entire production of Whose Line Is It Anyway?.
- Has threesomes with a nun and a Canadian.
- Tries to hide his gigantic penis.
- Has sex with homosexual midgets, particularly ones named Moe.
- Forefronts the Woodland Trust, along with his brother Jon.