No, I'm not kidding.
In 2001 The Baptists were in a slump. The Catholic Church's newly drafted squadron of clinjas had killed or joy buzzered several baptist leaders. A recent rash of sexual abuse allegations proved Catholicism's superiority in emotionally crippling children. Terrorism and the election of George W. Bush had desensitized the nation to terror and stupidity, robbing the Baptists of their greatest weapons.
After several important scientific advances in horror and complete fucking insanity the clown ministry was developed. While fewer in number less trained than the clinjas Clown Ministries could be supplied on the cheap and could operate in covert splinter cells.
Clown ministers strike swiftly and without warning with their trademark battle cry of "Jesus is your only savior... from us! Mwaaahaaahaaahaaa! Mwaaaahaaahaaahaaaaah!" Children who pass out in terror or accept Jesus are baptized with seltzer.
Clown ministers are known to practice snake handling, but only balloon snakes.
Clown Ministry is also the name of the 90's supergroup composed of members of Ministry and Insane Clown Posse. The group dissolved after they found out the recording studio they rented was too small to contain them all. Their only recorded single was City of Fury (Ow! you hit me in the eye with your guitar again). Aside from their name they have little to do with the clown ministries mentioned above.
|This article hates America, just like everyone else does. See more about Unamerica.
Consequently, this article lacks much or any redeeming intellectual value. However, even though no one smarter than a doorknob has contributed significantly to this article, it still contains more truth than you may be able to handle.