Cobra Commander

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Cobra Commander.
Cobra Commander doing his usually activity.

Cobra Commander is possibly the coolest dressed mastermind in history. He is well known as the leader of an international group called Cobra (course you would not know this unless you caught the hint in his name). Many people believe that Cobra Commander is an ego maniac, but this is clearly a false rumor as Cobra Commander is not an ego maniac. He does however like to stand up and gloat how great he is, and is always worried about the right light and is at times concerned about how he looks (ya, know what... guess he is in fact an ego maniac). Although Cobra Commander is often times believed to be evil, there is a story behind him. It is a sad and tragic story that explains the truth behind all his actions.

Early Life[edit]

Cobra Commander before he wore a mask.

Cobra Commander began his life when he was born. He was born into the Commander family that lived in a poor neighborhood and could barely pay for their house each month. He lived with his brother, Python Commander, his mother named Rattlesnake Commander and drunk father Alchohol Commander (the family forgot his true first name since they almost never saw him). As he grew up, Cobra grew to be an extremely handsome man and gained an even more incredible voice. One day he was dared to sing by his brother, and so he sung so beautifully that half the people in his neighborhood fell to their knees and begged Cobra to execute them as he had taken away their meaning of life. A nearby talent agent begged Cobra Commander to come and work for his studio or he would climb back into his limo and hang himself with his own tie. Because Cobra didn't want a death on his resume, he agreed to do it.

After fitting himself with a fancy outfit, Cobra started to sing, causing everyone in the studio to fall over from pure shock. Cobra's first album sold thousands of albums on the first day, in fact the prices were so high that it caused a temporary crash in the music market. Cobra eventually did another album, which caused an even bigger crash in the music market. Before long, Cobra was known far and wide by all. Unfortunately, Cobra also attracted haters from some rival record company called G.I. Joe. Angered that their records weren't selling because of Cobra Commander's brilliant success, the group decided to put the king of music down. They ambushed Cobra one night and slashed up his face and vocals. This as a result, left the once famous singer with a hideously scarred up face and a raspy voice. As a result, his brilliant music career crumbled to the ground.

Later Life[edit]

Cobra felt like all was lost in his life. With his horrible raspy voice, he could no longer sing the way he used to and his scarred face also destroyed his chances of a modeling career. Forced to now where a mask for the rest of his life, Cobra wondered around trying to figure out what to do. He soon discovered that G.I. Joe was now selling big records now that he Cobra could no longer sing. Cobra felt angry and wanted revenge. He broke into the house of the G.I. Joe manager Hawk and prepared to kill him. But Cobra could not go through with it and backed down out of pure guilt. However while trying to escape he tripped some alarms and was soon arrested for attempted murder. Cobra was then locked in jail for twenty months, where he desperately fought to survive the angry prisoners. It was here in prison, that he met Destro, a fellow prisoner who like him had lost his precious modeling career after a freak accident burned his face. Now he was forced to wear a steel mask for the rest of his life. The two became best friends and were both released from prison.

Shortly after they were released from prison, the two of them started up an organization called Cobra (named after it's founder). Cobra was a peaceful organization that was dedicated to creating new things for the world (such as monuments and other types of buildings) and helping people who had lost everything in their life and give them a new job. Within a month, over a thousand people joined this new Cobra organization and together. They created the Washington Monument, the Statue of Liberty, the Leaning Tower of Pisa and many other historic landmarks. All who were in the organization were happy, and Cobra Commander had finally found his true purpose in life.

Today the Cobra Organization has about 70 thousand stations on about 75% percent of the planet. But it wants to do more and it needs support from everyone it can. You too can join this Organization or make a donation by calling 1-800-9010-Cobra Rules

It's all a Lie!!!![edit]


At this point, you probably feel happy for Cobra Commander. But the truth is... everything you just read was a lie. This whole story was actually written by Cobra Comander himself. The real truth is that Cobra Commander is criminal mastermind who has a special talent for influencing people to his will (which is why he wrote this article in the first place). The Cobra organization is really a terrorist organization that destroys famous landmarks in an attempt to rule the world. G.I. Joe is not a rival record company, it's really a special task force trained specifically to defeat Cobra.


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