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A cocktail is any brightly coloured, overpriced, mixture of liquids designed for entertainment. Some cocktails contain alcohol. Other important ingredients include those tiny cocktail parasols, though the underprepared host may always use a standard umbrella if caught short. Many cocktail users get their kicks by simply stirring or shaking their cocktails. The more adventurous instil them into their various bodily orifices, most commonly the mouth or anus. Some cocktails, called "shooters", are designed for direct injection into a vein. When taking a shooter, please remember to ask at the bar for a clean syringe. Dirty syringes can spread Mad Cow Disease.

Some popular cocktails are listed below:

The Martini[edit]


  • 1 part dry vermouth
  • 1 part extra dry vermouth
  • 1 part extra extra dry vermouth
  • 1 part sweet vermouth
  • 1 part extra sweet vermouth
  • 1 part medium vermoth
  • 1 part extra medium vermouth

When mixing a martini it is important to not use too much vermouth. Experts recommend that one simply "allow the vermouth to smell" the other ingredients.

The Salty Dog[edit]


A favourite with the ladies! Be sure to taste test the urine in advance, as it can vary a great deal in sweetness.

The Pina Colada[edit]


  • 1 part pineapple juice (though kiwifruit will do at a pinch!)
  • 4 parts beer
  • 16 maraschino cherries
  • 1 cocktail parasol

Before you mix your Pina Colada, you must carefully dice the parasol with a sharp knife so that it will dissolve in the beer.

The B-52[edit]


This is one of the more popular shooters. Down it quickly before the bonobo realises what is happening!