Colgate

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“I bought your Colgate toothpaste, the one with tartar control, and it made me feel like a piece of SHIT!”

~ Tourettes Guy on Colgate Toothpaste

“Hello there! I am Dr. Rabbit, the world's only rabbit nazi. I am about to let children all around the world have a look at my fanferd. Come along if you'de like, this will be my last adventure.”

~ Dr. Rabbit, Colgate's mascot

Confusion[edit]

Colgate is both a university in Hamilton NY and a toothpaste. It is common belief that the Colgate toothpaste comes from Hamilton, but it is not true. Actually, the University itself draws its roots from a tube of Colgate toothpaste. The mentioned tube was used personally by Napoleon Bonaparte. One day he squeezed out a whole university. Later, Eiffel took both the Statue of Liberty and the university with himself to New York.


Colgate University[edit]

Colgate University provides a relatively inexpensive, public school education. Its main curriculum focuses on SUV's and J-Crew. Gym class has been replaced by hands-on sex education. Teaching the various fundamentals such as giving oral, ass to mouth, and double penetration.

Recently, Colgate has initiated a program to phase out overweight students by 2012. The main proponent of this program, Dean of Admissions Gary "G" Ross, has implemented a regimen including 40 hill climbs per day.

The Word[edit]

Many believe that the word Colgate comes from gate called Col and that therefore we have Colgate. That is not true. In Italy during the 14th century, a man called Col Gate lived and worked. The toothpaste and the university are sharing his name. The name in spanish actually means "go hang yourself"

History[edit]

The first ever tube of Colgate was made in 16th century in Mexico. The inventor stays unknown to this day because he was very soon burned on the stake for witch rafting. Beside the fact that he was practicing hygiene (which was forbidden in that time), he has been seen more than once putting a wooden stick into his mouth and producing a big amount of something like bart from it. Also, his teeth were to white for the standards of that time. But the name and the recipe have continued to live until they were rediscovered by Australians in 17th century.

Present Day[edit]

Today, the most important user of Colgate is a guy who lives in New Zealand. There are rumors that he has to do something with the mentioned Australians. He today enjoys in full experience of freshness in his mouth. Colgate has an evil mascot called Dr. Rabbit who is a pedophile, racist, and on crack.

Bankruptcy[edit]

Recently Colgate have gone completely bankrupt due to the effects of some of their life's work being stolen by the creator of the Green Lightbulb. A spokesperson claimed the following:

“We are bankrupt. But I've still got a job suckers! Ai ai ai!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Colgate Bankruptcy

Use[edit]

The tube of Colgate can be used in many ways. There are reports that it's tube used to be sold as a sex toy. This is why many people today think that you have to put the whole tube into the mouth. Thou it has some advantages, that is not the path that many should follow - only those that know what they are doing. For precisely this reason, many think that the toothpaste itself is a kind of a sex lubricant. Again, only few actually know what they are doing. For those who still live in the dark: Colgate servers for chewing - you should chew a pack 4 times per day.