College Dorm History
The theory of the college dorm was first developed in 1337 by the love-filled and generous Genghis Khan to revolutionize the higher education of cattle... er, students in Asia during the 100 years war. This holiest of institutions arose from the dream to provide bright young lads with a quality college education in convenient servings of 4, 6 or 8 years. This model failed, in part because Genghis did not take into account that most lads spend far to much time drinking, gambling and failing.
In The Beginning...
A working model was finally christened by Prime Minister Jean Chretien in Pompeii, Canada. It stored geographers and seismologists while they were not being taught stuff like grammar and math. Boy, it was big. The building stretched 4 degrees of latitude, and was so tall the first-year physics curriculum included an experiment where a marshmallow is dropped from the top of the dorm's clock tower, which becomes toasted in the process of reentry through our atmosphere.
Ingenious Structures Improved
The Japanese quickly learned from the Canadians, and improved upon the design. Much of the entire University of Tokyo was taken up by spreading dorms. In fact, many of the high-density low-budget housing units for financially deprived students were made entirely out of human-sized stackable tupperware containers. This single idea lit many light bulbs as well as increased the density of students living on campus to nearly 20,000,031 residents/square foot.
As soon as affordable student housing became widely available, the world's universities began lowering tuition costs drastically. Cheap education encouraged a rapid influx of students from cold barbarian nether worlds. Soon, one of the dormitories in East Pompeii Technical Institute reached critical mass and tore open the void of space itself. A complicated series of events involving green play-doh and a Rita McNeil CD caused the rip in space to belch squarks and gluons all over Canada, destroying much of its pristine wilderness in the process. The Squark/Gluon Event (SGE) caused catastrophic changes in Canada's rain forest-like climate to degrade the country to an expanse of igloos and beavers.
Widespread drunken rioting immediately ensued, and the great demonstrations could only be dispersed after a brilliant plan by the Prime Minister suggested that police hand each rioter a blank piece of paper. It is truly a historic irony that, despite the fact that there were more than enough data to predict this disaster an untrained monkey could have prevented it, every student, instructor and cafeteria-slop-distribution-technician was far too wasted at That Guy's dorm party to even breathe, let alone predict the doom of Pompeii.
The Truth about Dorms
Most of the general public knows not what really happens in a modern dormitory, especially if they have never seen "Oz". Here is a breakdown of THE most factual facts, available only to those who believe things they read in supermarket tabloids:
- By graduation, all dorm residents discover that either they're immune to death by hamster bites and gonorrabies, or they're not.
- College dorms are one of the few places on earth where a bottle of water costs more than a Faberge egg, most likely due to the costs involved in extracting water from Faberge eggs.
- University students spend far too much money on liquor and whores. As the level of educational abuse increases year to year, students are encouraged to switch to less dangerous alternatives like GHB, dexedrine and kitten huffing.
- Dormitories are the 3rd best place in the universe to meet single women, right after a singles bar, and the dark alley behind 7-11.
- You can fertilize your lawn with used motor oil