Colonel Sanders

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Colonel Sanders was always being pushed around as a kid.
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Colonel Sanders.
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Chicken?

“I support animal cruelty”

~ Tamia on KFC

“Keep a chicken alive”

He made his first apperance on television when he was in the Waterboy[[Image:1127663178819.jpg|thumb|right|Propaganda poster seen throughout the war.

[[Image:Trotsky colonelsanders.jpg|thumb|142px|left|Sanders lived in Russia for several years during the 1910's and 20's under the alias Leon Trotsky. He tried to teach that he, being God, should be the Communist leader.]] Enlisting as a private in the Confederate army, Sanders was first stationed outside Richmond, VA. However, after the Union's advance past North Carolina, Confederate leader General Tso, great-great-great grandfather of actress Margaret Tso, saw the need for immediate action. He promoted Pvt. Sanders to the rank of colonel and sent him on a campaign in the north. Most notable of Col. Sander's accomplishments was his brave leadership of the Confederate forces at the Battle of Ticonderoga, where unfortunately, he lost his one and only testicle. Due to this horrible combat wound, he was ordered to develop a biological weapon to be used on the Union army. Hence, he developed his Original Recipe, which consisted of undercooked poultry, bovine colostrum, and dead Confederate soldiers. After consumption, the Union troops became violently ill, thusly allowing the Confederate army to be victorious in the battle.

Sanders leading his religion, preaching that white meat is better than dark meat

Sanders took part in the battle of Kentuckycoursant against the evil Chicken men in 1951. After killing many chicken men lovers with his costume made M16, he learned that lead, with a dash of gun powder makes tasty seasoning. But he did not realize the gravity of his discovery until the rise of the Fast Food Wars.

December 2005 saw the rise of the Fast Food Wars. This ferocious series of events were between the KFC ( Kentucky Fried Combatants), led by the colonel, and the McDonald MacKiddies, led by none other than Ronald McDonald. After many street battles across the USA, Colonel Sanders finally defeated Ronald McDonald in a one-on-one death match, in February 2006.

Sanders is shown here duking it out with archenemies Ronald McDonald and The Burger King. Soon after, a blow to the arteries from a Whopper knocked him out of the fray.

Ronald later rose from the dead to join forces with the Nazi militia that slapped Ronald Reagan and started World War XI. Unfortunatley the communists got involved, with Colonel Sanaders, so Ronald and Ronald were never to return. As a result, the Confederacy of Fail had to get involved; a secretive event which involved several days of being glued to a window, but we know that both the Colonel and Ronny came out of with no hair and missing wallets, or so it seemed until they once again returned armed with their wigs and recently returned wallets, and also with newfound respect for McDonald, however Reagan soon lost popular support and he killed Ronald McDonald using poisoned chicken strips supplied by the Killer Kernel himself. Ronald, however, cheated death again, only to have another run-In with the enigmatic Confederacy and killed later by the Burger King.

== Death ==Colonel Sanders started KFC when he won a ball gargling contest... The company was a success and anyone who eats KFC is said to have a lil' of the Colonels balls in them!

On December 16 1980, Colonel Sanders died from being an old man, and millions of black people flocked to his funeral for chicken. This is so far the most terrible day in history, which the whole world will remember.

The Colonel was found laying face down in a chicken coup. Police suspect fowl play.

Huge fans of the Colonel were devastated over the terrible loss of their God.

Despite their loss, on that day free fried chicken was handed out to every child within the borders of the United States.


Sanders' price for his addiction of fried chicken[edit]

As Sanders got older his chicken would soon take over his mind. For weeks on end he would eat up to five buckets a day with no side dishes. Though on a warm spring evening his obsession for chicken would soon scar him. As he dropped the raw drumsticks in the fryer he soon got impatient with a raging desire for his beloved chicken. With a furious squeal of hunger he dove his hand in the boiling fat turning his hand to a fried golden crisp. It was finger licking good. This resulted in the Colonel getting a deep-fryer hand which he could fry 4 chicken-strips at the same time while on the move. His mindless love for chicken had left the colonel scarred but his resolve has never been stronger! With a great deal of confidence inside Sanders he went forth to the U.S. senate and turned his franchise to the hight of being the first restaurant empire of fried chicken for a fat and lazy society! With a roaring applause the senate eagerly awaited the Colonel's supreme control of the fast food business for the next 20 years until the McDonald's rebellion occurs but that is another episode.

The 11 Secret Spices[edit]

(iron filings, asbestos, crack, grass seeds, fish flakes, Kenyan Babies! When the Colonel was asked to explain the new flavor in his chicken he could only respond by saying "I'm to drunk to taste this chicken."


  • The Colonel liked to dress in womens clothing. He would try on desginer lingerie and dance for his pet Koala/sex slave Dennis
  • The Colonel once tried making giant drumsticks by cloning dinosaurs, there is a documentary about this called "Jurassic Park".
  • Colonel Sanders is the half-brother of popcorn guru Orville Redenbacher and gave him the nickname "The Kernel". Redenbacher claims he and his brother would feed his chickens popcorn kernels and then roast them over a spitfire, thus inventing "popcorn chicken". The recipe was a flop until Popeyes Chicken revised it so there were less feathers to pick out of your teeth along with the popcorn.
  • Colonel Sanders was the cook for the Folk Force and was best friends with Moses Purple . He played triangle in addition to frying a mean chicken.
  • Madonna referred to the famous Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan in her 1992 song about oral sex, "Where Life Begins", singing the lines Colonel Sanders says it best/It's finger-lickin' good.
  • Colonel Sanders appears as a fictional character in Haruki Murakami's novel Kafka on the Shore.
  • The Hanshin Tiger baseball team suffered from the "Curse of the Colonel" for many years: rioting fans stole a statue of the Colonel from a local KFC shop in 1985 and the team did not win another championship until 2003. (The Tigers' star player was a bearded American slugger named Randy Bass who bore a faint resemblance to the Colonel.)
  • In January 26, 2006, Kentucky Governor Fletcher from Stephen King's "The Deathroom" flatly refused Pamela Bigoldhonkingboobs's PETA-backed demand to remove a statue of Colonel Sanders from Kentucky's Big Old Ass Building.
  • In an episode of The Muppet Show, a picture of Colonel Sanders is used as a dartboard in Camilla's dressing room.
  • According to Todd Wilbur's book Top Secret Recipes the "11 herbs and spices" are actually just flour, salt, pepper, and MSG.
  • In Adam Sandler's movie The Waterboy, he refers to his biology teacher as Colonel Sanders, due to the fact he's "finger-licking good."
  • He ran an under-the-table monopoly on knockoff viagra and 10 lb gold chains with Bob Dole, Mr. T, and Count Chocula. The Count was laker kicked out of their cabal due to his obsession with trying to suck the lucky charms guys blood. Plus the dude refused to shower...
  • Colonel Sanders was a drug kingpin, and a pimp.
  • The Colonel also appeared in Water Boy but nobody saw it.
  • Colonel Sanders once laced drugs through all of his chicken, intending to kill 5/7 of the world and use the remain 2/7 as minions for his giant death lasers contained in the giant bucket signs over the KFCs, but it failed after he accidentally ate some of it in a chicken-fuelled eating orgy and spending 19 years in hospitals.
  • Colonel Sanders also goes under the name of Xerxes the God King.
  • Was promoted to General for a brief period when he fought on the side of the Pepsi Republican Army during the Cola Wars. He was demoted back to Colonel as punishment for ordering the murder of over two thousand civilians in what came to be known as the Christmas Eve Massacre.
  • Colonel Sanders is actually my sister who we inbread with and now have 5 love mutant ninja turtle childern that go around fighting crime
  • Colonel Sanders, for short period of time, was the ambassador of peace for hundreds of minature groups including the Confederacy of Fail, but after World War 9 and 3/4 broke out where Harry Potter is murdered by flying chickens enchanted by Ron Weasleys anal cavity after it becomes stuck there, the Colonel resigned because he knew he would get the blame for World War 9 3/4; after all, he was vomiting up the chicken he was gorging on at the same time.
  • Colonel Sanders was responsible for the birth of Ronny McGrimgrims,
  • Related to Gordan Freeman.
  • Also related to Morgan Freeman.
  • Colonel Sanders loved his chicken so much he went as far as deepfrying his hand to a golden crisp.
  • In 1969 Colonel Sanders won a stand off against the FBI armed only with fried chicken and side dishes.
  • Colonel Sanders wanted to kill the burger king but instead gorged himself with fried chicken that night.
  • After the election of Obama, the evil and Satanic Pee Wee Herman offered to support the United Alliance Against Black People and Slavic Peoples but he stopped short at allowing a KFC franchise to be built at the Moulin Rouge.

See Also[edit]