In this world, one out of every seventeen people suffers from total color blindness. When I say total, I mean total. They see the world in black and white, sometimes gray, and not much else. While the causes of this disease are quite obvious (and listed below), researchers have failed to reveal the facts in a way that normal people can use to make the world a better place. The famous scientists, The Village People, once said, "These are people who miss the black and white television". People who suffer from total color blindness really want to go back to the un-colored world period, with television being at the top of the list. They cannot adjust their eyes to the current world, which is full of colors. If you yourself have total color blindness we pity you. And if we can not cure you, you must die.
It is important to remember that all the causes, cures, and tests for color blindness listed in this article are absolutely indisputable scientific fact. Anyone attempting to spread disinformation to the contrary will be treated as a terrorist and summarily executed. Thank you in advance for your complete support.
<How to Tell if You are Color Blind
If you're staring at this page like a complete dolt and your friends are laughing there asses off at you, you may just want to off yourself now. It means you are one of the morally despicable people who have chosen color blindness over sanity. May God have mercy on your pathetic soul. If you can read this page, but can't decipher the image below, you may just want to go live with Justin Bieber for a while and then kill yourself. Either way, you're fucked.
This is the "Dot Test" for the dreaded "South-African Monkey Bite Color Blindness". If you can't see the picture of a monkey inside the dots, there is a 98.995% chance that your flesh will rot off of your bones by the time you are 45 years old.
Unfortunately, this rotting tends to start in the genitalia first, and doesn't reach the brain for almost 5 years. Thank God you can see the monkey, Right!? This is also the horrible disorder which has forced Michael Jackson to require so much plastic surgery over the years. While the doctors have managed to keep "most" of his flesh from rotting off (sans genitalia, of course), the effects on his brain are becoming more evident every day. We should just be happy that we aren't the kind of shmucks who can't see the monkey. I mean egads, end up like Michael Jackson!? No thank you!
Causes of Color Blindness
It is important to note that while there are several different theories for why people become color blind, it is absolutely unanimous in the scientific world that all causes of color blindness come from gross defects of personal character. Those who try to say that the condition is inevitable and caused by uncontrollable circumstances are known as terrorists. Listed below are the five leading causes of color blindness as of the writing of this article.
1. The Moron Factor - The first person of note to come up with a working theory of what causes color blindness was none other than St. Thomas Aquinas. His postulate states that color blindness is caused by the same environmental factor as cancer; namely, stupidity. His "proof" of this theory was written as follows:
A. It requires intelligence to understand what colors are.
B. Some people can't seem to understand what colors are.
C. Obviously, these people are complete morons.
2. Effects of Masturbation - It has long been held as a fully validated scientific fact that masturbation causes blindness. Anyone who disagrees with this must be labeled, at the very least, a physiologically sick and twisted individual. Recently some scientists have argued that so called "Weekend Masturbators" may not go fully blind, but might instead simply loose the ability to differentiate colors. This theory has been bolstered by a surprising study that reported, against all expectations, that some color blind people actually have an I.Q. above 27.
3. Being Homosexual - Gay people have long been known to spend an unhealthy amount of time staring at rainbows. As we know, rainbow light is simply reflected sunlight. Staring at sunlight, obviously, causes blindness. It was therefore theorized by several prominent scientists of the 1960's that gay people who stared mostly at certain parts of a rainbow would become color blind to that part of the rainbow. For example, a gay person who stared too long at the red part of a rainbow would lose the ability to see red. One who stared too long at the green part would lose the ability to see green. Supporters of this theory are quick to mention that red-green color blindness is the most common form of the disease, and (not coincidentally), red and green are two of the most favorite colors for normal people. Gay people who have already become red-green color blind are known to gravitate to orange and purple after they break the habit of "rainbow staring".
4. Not Being Racist - In the last few decades a new and insidious form of the disease has cropped up among inner-city youth and communists. This stems from the fact that for no good reason, some of the aforementioned demographics appear to "not be racist". This is, of course, a very hard concept for sane people to grasp. How, after all, can someone who isn't racist look at themselves in the mirror day after day and not shoot themselves in the eye? The answer, it appears, is to mentally block out the existence of color in all it's forms. This is, to say the least, immoral and disgusting. Most of the blame for this travesty can be placed solely on the shoulders of one "Dr." Martin Luther King Jr. Thankfully for the legions of healthy racists in the world, King was "forcibly euthanized" in the late 1960's, although the damage had already been done.
5. Sex With Monkeys - The last, and most rare, form of color blindness is caused by being bitten by monkeys while having sex with them. This is, of course, the reason Michael Jackson came down with the dreaded "South-African Monkey Bite Color Blindness". As most people would agree, having sex with monkeys is almost as disgusting as not being racist. Luckily, however, people with this form of the disease tend to die young, horrible deaths. This keeps us from having to care for there sick asses for longer than is necessary for there skin to fully rot off.
It should be noted that no matter the cause, it is most definitely morally and intellectually deficient people who we are talking about here. It is best never to associate with those of the color blind persuasion, as it will certainly reflect badly upon your own character. If, however, someone you already know becomes afflicted, you may wish to try to cure them using the steps listed below. ATTEMPT AT YOUR OWN RISK, AS SOME FORMS (ESPECIALLY GAYNESS) MAY BE CONTAGIOUS!!!
The cures for color blindness, not surprisingly, are closely related to the causes. For the purposes for clarity we have outlined the 5 most successful cures along side the cause for which the cure was designed to remedy. Those who are faint of heart may wish to skip to the section entitled "How to Kill Color Blind People" as this is almost always the easiest way to deal with them.
1. For Stupid People - The only cure for stupidity is "Sense Beating Into-ism". This is the act of physically beating intelligence into the cranial cavity using blunt force trauma. Sadly, most people do not show improvement even with this approach. Those with stupidity related color blindness who do not respond to beating should be huffed without mercy. The good news, of course, is that killing people with an I.Q. of less than 80 is not illegal. In Texas you can even get a $20 bounty for brining their tail into the local sheriffs office, and California offers a cash redemption value on recycled gray-matter.
2. For Masturbators - The easiest way to cure masturbation related color blindness is to cut off the hands of the afflicted person and boil their stumps in rancid oil. While they might find this somewhat bothersome at first, they will certainly thank you in the end when they realize that giving up on-demand orgasms and the ability to manipulate objects is a small price to pay for the chance to see newspaper Christmas adds in the full glory of printed color.
3. For Gay People - The best way to reverse gay related color blindness seems to the total removal of human genitalia . Gayness has proved to be a disease which can not be cured by head shrinking alone. Make sure, however, that if you do go this route you leave the afflicted person with a pee-hole. Failure to do this may lead to a slight grudge between the sexless neophyte and yourself, despite the glories gained for the ability to see High Definition TV the way it was meant to be seen.
4. For Non-Racists - The only known way to cure the vile condition of non-racism is to immerse the individual in question into a very poor neighborhood of racially different people while wearing an EXTREMELY racist t-shirt. Make sure to come back in a couple of days to retrieve the body. In the odd chance that they survive the multiple beatings/rapings/stabbings, it is almost certainly sure that their non-racism will enter remission. As long as their non-racism remains in remission, they should have no problem seeing color VERY clearly, and will undoubtedly thank you profusely for your noble aid in a time of great need.
5. For Monkey Lovers - "South-African Monkey Bite Color Blindness" is, unfortunately, incurable. Best to just leave them to die in excruciating pain and dementia rather than get involved. If for some reason you don't want to see them suffer horribly, however, you may wish to put them out of their misery as described in the next section of this paper.
If all else fails, let it be known that all goodly people should put people of incurable color blindness out of society one way or another. The next section reviews the "final solution" for color blindness, namely death.
Ways to Kill Color Blind People
So, you've exhausted all options and still have a color blind person on your hands. Most likely a horribly beaten, handless, genital free, gang raped color blind person, possibly with advanced stages of skin rot. Best to dispose of the body before lawyers get involved. Remember, nothing is evil if it's done with the sole purpose of avoiding lawyers.
Unfortunately, with the exception of the chronically dumb, murder is illegal. While any common way of killing a color blind person will work, it is suggested that you use the following approach if you want to stay fully inside the bounds of the law.
2. Take a lot of long, horrendously sharp objects an paint them light green.
3. Take your sharp green objects and place them in opportune places around the room, making sure the pointy ends face outwards. (You may wish to ask Martha Stewart for placement advice.)
4. Lock the afflicted person inside and wait for the screaming to die down. A significant amount of blood may leak out from under the door. This is to be expected.
This system is known in professional circles as a "Color Blind Forced Suicide Room". The great part of this approach is that you can't be blamed for the death, as a non-color blind person would have not impaled themselves repeatedly. As we all surely know, there's nothing in the world quite as gratifying as getting rid of color blind people with a clean conscience.
George W. Bush Hates Color Blind People