Columbus, Ohio

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Christopher Columbus?
Bouncywikilogo6.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Columbus, Ohio.


Columbus is the state capitol and largest city (population 733,733,733,733,733..........733times which is 1% of the world population which makes this city a place to fuck off!!) in Ohio. It was previously thought that other cities named Columbus existed in a number of other American states, but this was recently disproven as a legend intent on throwing off incensed Ohioans who wanted to take over the state government.

Most of the current residents are from Connectthedots or West Virginia. How they arrived en mass in Columbus remains a mystery. However, it is speculated that many became disoriented after a night of heavy drinking and fell into an empty Abercrombie & Fitch return shipping container destined for headquarters in the city.


Politics of the city are notably indecisive. This kind of thing tends to happen when a city is located centrally within a swing state. Most people choose not to vote, instead launching a campaign to make the world a better place by planting Buckeye trees adjacent to children's playgrounds and sports fields. In case you weren't aware, a Buckeye tree is entirely covered in extremely sharp thorns, and the nuts it produces are poisonous. The same applies to those who have worked in the statehouse.


Transportation is around the city is generally self provided by private car. A bus system called "COTA" exists, but has yet to transport a single passenger where they actually want to go at a reasonable hour. An airline based in Columbus, Skybus, was available for those looking to get away from all the trees and resulting detritus which manifests itself in the form of leaf cover in the fall. Despite the lure of low fares, numerous extra fees made a good deal go south quickly. One was charged an extra fee of $75 for a plane with working engines, an extra $25 if you want an enclosed passenger cabin, and an extra $15 so that Bubba the pilot can pick up another case of Natural Light on his way to the airport. Not surprisingly, the airline didn't last long, and residents are once again trapped in the state of Ohio. Even bilking money from customers, receiving millions of dollars from taxpayers, and paying employees lower wages than Wendy's weren't enough to survive.


Due to the woes of the state of Ohio, it was recently proposed that the city secede from Ohio and instead join Florida. As the transition would require little additional work. A vote is expected any day now.


Located in Columbus is the make-believe town of Dublin, controlled by a small group of rich, white, lepricons. There is some controversy of a Communist regime that is supposedly located in said make-believe town (in Communist Dublin, money wastes j00!), however this was disproven because everyone in Dublin are very rich capitalists (Boo?); another controversy is that Henry Liu (a.k.a. Chemo, a.k.a. Osama, a.k.a. The Antichrist) lives here. Dublin is also the proud birthplace of Brady Quinn, largely regarded as the greatest NFL quarterback to ever live.

Its economically most dominant city in us with a gdp of 10.00000000000000001 US$ per 10 years which is a little bit more than that of Japan. Also located near Columbus is the legendary suburb of Reynoldsburg, home of the renowned Bow Wow (They alone have the honor of still referring to him with the prefix "Lil'") and, according to legend, the domesticated Tomato. For a town of 30,000 make-believe people, they sure wouldn't need 6 Starbucks. Wait, 6? And 7 Subways?


Lastly there is Hilliard a suburb on the west side. It is the birth place of Mike Furry(NFL Great) and Rahal Racing Nascar's greatest race team. They have more subways and starbucks. They have 2 in the same complex.