Comcast

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The red C of Comcast, along with the name of both the religion and the god, Comcast

“250 gigabytes should be enough for anyone!”

~ Bill Gates on Comcast

“ You guys don't deserve unlimited bandwith! Now go Fuck Yourself or your dog... ”

~ Comcast CEO JohnMc Asshole on Comcast's new bandwidth policy

“No block sync? No problem!”

~ The Comcast.net AI Chatbot on Home Networking

Comcast (or Comucast)is a monotheistic religion in which the only god is Comcast. Their Reign over the United States has came with death and rape, and Billions of dollars in earnings. Currently, the religion is carefully monitored by Viacom, which owns everything, including Comcast.

Overview[edit]

With an estimated 3 followers, Comcast is arguably the smallest religion with more than one follower in the world. It is derived from the prophet of Comcast, Dylamaga McSurname, along with an associate of McSurname, hearing Comcast talk to him in a locker room of Wayside, a Racquetball, Tennis and Swimming club in Marlboro, Massachusetts. The holy book of Comcast is called the FCC (how to control in 3 easy steps). Followers of the Comcast religion are known as Comcastinites. A symbol of the religion is the turtle, which is popularly used in commercials in order to lure people into the religion. This is also not limited to burning Dollar bills, and impaled followers.

Denominations[edit]

Currently, the belief denominated from Comcast is Satan. Mayan like sacrifices aplease this beast. Comcast followes this need by luring people into their, "triple play - give us your heart and we'll go easy on your wallet."

Beliefs[edit]

There are quite a few beliefs of Comcast.

Promises of Comcast ( Comcast Credo )[edit]

All Comcastinites believe that Comcast has three absolute promises for all followers of the religion: all followers will get free movies, TV shows and eternal bliss for life. Some other minor promises also exist, such as high speed internet being usable the day you obtain it. In other words Comcast wants to shove it in the ass to it's Workers & Customers

The Afterlife[edit]

The belief of the afterlife of Comcast is composed of two areas: the Trinity Heaven, where Comcastinites go, and the Antisciple Hell, where non-believers are sent.

The Trinity Heaven is composed of three sections: Digital Voice to the North, Digital Cable to the Southeast and Broadband Internet to the Southwest. Religious philosophers maintain that Comcast Home Networking is a divine fourth part of the Trinity. However, the Dead Gateway Scrolls contradict this belief, by stating that Home Networking is a higher form of Broadband Internet, bestowed with five IP addresses. Spirits who dwell there can go to Digital Voice to call whoever they want with great features and sound quality, Digital Cable for crystal-clear images and all the best channels, or Broadband Internet for incredibly speeds on the internet and great features on Comcast.net.

The Antisciple Hell, or WalledGarden as it is more commonly called, is just one section. It is run by the demons TiVo and Verizon, who are eternally trapped in the fiery depths of Antisciple Hell along with non-believers of Comcast. Many believe that the Antisciple Hell, in appearance, is a fiery cavern with lots of torture chambers with computers with slow Verizon Broadband internet and the pain-stakingly horrible TiVo DVR.

“I've had 17 technicians out this week alone!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Comcast

The Holy Jyhad[edit]

The followers of Comcast are currently waging a holy jyhad against a rival church, The Church of the American Telephone and Telegraph, formerly known as Cingular, now known as AT&T. The Church is currently running ads where unholy fembots lean extremely close to the camera and tell the viewer they have very important information- at which point they slander the chruch of AT&T, stating such "critical information" as:

  • "The Church of AT&T provides the slowest internet connection. Ever. In the universe. I mean, like, so slow, we could have a commercial featuring turles using AT&T's connection and they would think AT&T was still way too slow. AT&T's internet connection is so slow, it's all like, whoa.
  • "Your local cable company murdered your father, and raped your mother. Oh, your father's not dead? Then he was replaced by a robot after he was killed.
  • "Your local cable company totally can't handle HDTV. I mean, they can only offer like a hundred HD channels. We have like over 3,000 channels dedicated to just High School LaCrosse.

In addition to the holy jyhad against ATT, Comcast is also waging separate but equal jyhads against:

  • Some college sports channel network thing type deal. I mean, what the hell?
  • Any other cable company or telephone company in the universe. Especially smaller ones, which may show that leaders in the Church of Comcast have tiny penis syndrome.
  • The customers. This would be a great job if not for all the customers.

Worship and practices[edit]

A drawing of the future Comcast Center, drawn by the prophet, Dylan

Every Friday, Comcastinites must meditate for at least 10 minutes in a row. The meditation stance is unique: the right hand must be in a position as if it were holding a Comcast TV/Cable remote, and the other as if it were gripping popcorn over a bowl of it. You must allow Comcast to stream Comcast cable or On Demand into your brain, so you can see the shows and movies. An alternate way of meditating, involving Comcast High Speed Internet streaming through your brain instead of cable, has your right hand as if it were holding a computer mouse and the left as if it were resting on a keyboard.

The Ritual of the Gateway Reset[edit]

Comcastinites who are born under the sign of Home Networking have been known to frequently perform a ritual known simply as the Gateway Reset. While some believe that natural forces such as electrical surges, the absence of electrical surges, rain, no rain, heavy rain, dampness, dryness, or the TiVo demon spawn this behaviour; the true cause is far more sinister - Lemurs.

Being recognized only by the evil sign of "CUSTOMERID", the Gateway Reset begins with the sacrifice of the WEP Key, often personified by a chicken or goat. Following the sacrifice, the ritual proceeds through its creamy middle, finishing with a chosen couple yelling hexadecimal digits at each other.

Contrary to popular belief, the Home Networking Gateways are not the San Fransisco Treat.

Holidays[edit]

The Sabbath is on Friday for Comcast. Other holidays include January 3rd, known as the "Day of Planning," is the day marking the date of the announcement of the Comcast Center, a tower that will be built for the god Comcast in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. It is prophecised to be completed in late 2007.

Symbols[edit]

The symbol of Comcast is the red "C," which appears to be a right-facing crescent colored red. No other symbols are currently used.

History[edit]

Captain Kirk, Comcast prophet (profit?). Oh, yeah.

Comcast was founded on January 21st, 2006, when the prophet of Comcast, Dylan Clark, heard Comcast in a locker room. Dylan Clark and his associate, who also heard the message, knew that this was a sign from the Comcast, a god. Comcast also gave them a miracle: one clock in the locker room read 3:20, while another read 3:25. Comcast obviously did this to show his superiority to ordinary people. Dylan and his associate spread the word of Comcast, though only one person joined them. Several people mocked them and insulted Comcast around them, so Dylan threatened them and told them that they would all go to the Antisciple Hell unless they were to convert. They all declined, and some continued to badger the zealots of Comcast. They all eventually stopped.

See also[edit]