Commentarii de Bello Gallico

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De Bello Gallico is a famous play by the hands of Julius Caesar, written in 1792 to console his family for the loss of their favourite soccer team. The story is still relevant today, as it deals with such subjects as hope, love, and owning France.


Many people believe it to have been written during the Cold War of 1436 between Thailand and Indonesia, but carbon-dating has shown that the play was actually written in 1792. This fits with what ancient Roman history-writers have written down. These writings have been translated and since these days it is a known fact that Caesar wrote this play during the Great Time Travel War of 1871, and not around 60BC. When Caesar was standing side-by-side with Napoleon, he received the news that his family were grieving over a soccer match that in which their favourite team were crushed with 11-0. Upon hearing this, Caesar decided to set out and conquer France, and a large part of Belgium for that matter too because he figured he was already in the neighbourhood anyway. Whilst conquering, he wrote a magnificent story on his findings along the way north.

The Translation[edit]

Translating the script proved to be quite a difficult task, for the play was written in a secret ink. It wasn't until the spring of 1995 when Some Guy, who suffered from hay fever, accidentally sneezed over the book and discovered that the words became visible when sneezed upon. He immediately positioned himself under a blossoming tree, and sneezed all the letters to visibility. His assistant wrote the whole thing down, and that was the starting point of the second and final task to uncovering the secrets of the play. This second problem was the language it was written in. No scientist recognized it, so they created a list of all languages, alive or dead, and started working it down to see if any one of these would make sense. In 2003 the right language was found, and the play was immediately published and reached great popularity.

Short Summary[edit]

De Bello Gallico is the story of a young Roman Soldier who has been in the army for just two years. He serves under his father, a well-respected general, but is displeased with the treatment he gets. However, when a mutiny starts, he protects his father out of love and does so succesfully. He and those who fought beside him are hailed as heroes and all seems settled. A year after, he is placed in an army headed to battle the North Sea, and whilst marching through France, his father, one of the generals, gets shot by an arrow that went astray in a clash between two tribes in the region. Upon seeing this, the young hero is filled with hate against the entire population of the lands they march in, and embarks on a horrid rampage in which he fights his way to the King of the French and murderes him. The consuls heard this, and proclaim the young soldier the leader of the new province of the Roman Empire.

The Play in Modern Times[edit]

Today, the play is still shown in major theatres such as Broadway. The message it sends out is relevant to this day, as mutiny is more common than ever these days (in the case of Captain Jack Sparrow for example). The story is highly populair in England due to its anti-French content. In fact, in France the play has only been shown once, directed by Mel Gibson who just wanted to shock the French. He was quickly kicked to Germany where he commenced his work on what would later be the greatest shock to ever hit modern times: 'Lethal Weapon'.


Numerous adaptations have been made, the most infamous one was the real life re-enactment of the play by Hitler who took things a bit too far and did not quite focus on solely the French. This adaptation is best known under its code-name 'World War 2'. Other (in)famous adaptations include the beforementioned one of Mel Gibson, the Shakespeare version (by the name of 'For the love of Jupiter, kill the French!') which was badly reviewed. The one we have probably all seen is the Elton John version, starring Justin Timberlake as the hero of the story.

See Also[edit]